clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Friday Free Kick: MLS as Game of Thrones houses

New, 4 comments
Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports

With MLS back in full swing and season 6 of Game of Thrones right around the corner, I thought it would be a good bit of fun to do a little mash-up. Soccer + Game of Thrones. What could be better than that? So without further ado, I present to you all 20 MLS Clubs and their Game of Thrones equivalent.

House Lannister - L.A Galaxy
The First and most obvious pairing. All the power, all the riches,  and all the trophies.

House Targaryen - D.C. United
The long forgotten power that dominated the early years of MLS, but vanished after 2007. Will they ever return? Will D.C. cross the the narrow sea of the Potomac, to reclaim past Glory?

House Martell - FC Dallas
Agility and finesse, with a Latin flair. Just like the Viper, the speed of Dallas' attack kills, and just like the Martells Dallas enters this season with a chip on its shoulder. Out to avenge a 2015 campaign that ended in the Western Conference Final.

House Tyrell - Toronto FC
"Growing Strong"
Since the implementation of the Designated Player Rule, Toronto is doing just that, bringing in a slew of big name players. Players like Bradley, Altidore, and Giovinco, a wealth of talent that has made Toronto one of the most powerful clubs in all the land.

House Arryn - Colorado Rapids
"As High as Honor"
Could be a reference to the altitude, could be a reference to some of the red-eyed Rapids supporters in Denver. Whatever the case, the Rapids should definitely install a Moon Door midfield at Dick's Sporting Goods Park. I mean who doesn't want to hear Stan Kroenke yell "Make the bad man fly!", as Jermaine Jones Spartan kicks opponents to their doom?

House Tully - San Jose Earthquakes
Don't score many goals, bad away from home, but have a solid defense. Famed for stabbing their NASL kin in the back.

House Frey - Seattle Sounders
The climate is dreary, grey, and at times very depressing. There is a formidable fortress, no one passes through CenturyLink Field without paying a toll. And not unlike House Frey, you never know what is going to happen. One moment you're enjoying your dinner the next you're being stabbed in the stomach.

Poor Marco...

Poor Marco...

House Greyjoy - Real Salt Lake
A history of Iron like strength born on the shores of the Great Salt Lake. RSL's streak of 7 straight playoff appearances came to an end last season. Now they seek to restore the honor of their name. Led by the great Kyle "Ironborn" Beckerman, whose dreadlocks hang like the tentacles of the Kraken. RSL will look to raid and plunder the Western Conference on their way back to the playoffs.

House Bolton - Columbus Crew
Crew Stadium is Columbus' Dreadfort. A place that inspires nightmares among MLS foes, nightmares filled with defenders flayed by the cold-blooded work of Kei Kamara.

House Baratheon - The City of New York
Much like House Baratheon, the seat of ruler of New York soccer is a contested one. After the demise of Cosmos (Robert), the New York Red Bulls (Stannis) rightfully stepped up to claim the throne. But then, out of nowhere, the Red Bull's little brother, NYCFC (Renly), showed up to steal the thunder. Despite powerful investors and flashy marketing, NYCFC's inaugural season met a similar fate as Renly Baratheon, much to the amusement of the Red Bulls. Meanwhile rumors of Blood Magic and human sacrifice have swirled, as smoke has been seen periodically rising through the air above Red Bull Arena.

House Stark - New England Revolution
Do you remember Taylor Twellman? Steve Ralston? All those titles that slipped through the Revs' fingers. New England remembers, and December is coming...

House Redwyne - Houston Dynamo
The largest producer of spirits in all of Westeros. Fitting, If you're a die hard Dynamo supporter chances are you've probably developed a bit of a drinking habit the past few seasons.

The Smallfolk - Chicago Fire
Nothing good ever happens to the Smallfolk.

House Tarly - Philadelphia Union
More specifically Sam Tarly. Young, scared, and sometimes pathetic. But just like Sam they've got no shortage of heart. It will be fun to watch them come of age.

The Brothers Without Banners - Vancouver Whitecaps
A group of underrated players, a roster of names that may be unfamiliar to the casual fan, but a team that surprised quite a few people last season. Don't be shocked if they upset the power structure when all is said and done.

The Unsullied - Sporting Kansas City
Some of the greatest warriors in all of MLS. Highly skilled, technically gifted, and when at full strength, unstoppable on the battlefield. Side note: I'm pretty sure Dom Dwyer would look like a total badass in Unsullied armour.

The Wildlings - Portland Timbers
Far to the Northwest, in the wild of Portlandia, there lives a strange breed of men. Men clothed in faded plaid, faces masked by thick-framed glasses and ironic facial hair. Men whose sole source of nutrition is cans of PBR and whatever they can scavenge from the vast fields of food trucks. They bow to no one, because kings and houses are way too mainstream.

The Leader of the Timber's hipster army Tormund Gians... I mean Nat Borchers.

The Leader of the Timber's hipster army Tormund Gians... I mean Nat Borchers.

The Dothraki - Orlando City
Led by Khal Kaká a warrior once feared by many. He now spends his days staring off emptily, wondering how he ended up playing in a city whose greatest attractions include, It's a Small World and the World's Largest "Entertainment" McDonald's. Their supporters are as savage as they are fanatical, infamous for invading opponent's lands and pillaging tailgates.

The White Walkers - Montreal Impact
Deep in the frozen North of Quebec, an ancient power has awakened. A terrifying force with the ability to resurrect the long thought to be dead careers of 38-year-old soccer stars. Now a menacing army of glowing blue jerseys is marching South, led by the Night's King, Didier Drogba.

Bonus:

House Castamere - Chivas U.S.A
All but a memory, erased from existence by the Lannisters.

The Night's Watch - NASL/Independent USL Clubs
Doomed to spend the rest of their existence in the lower divisions. Some bare the names of the long forgotten clubs of the 70's. Banished to spend eternity staring at the wall that is U.S soccer's lack of promotion and relegation.