Atlanta United re-signs Jeff Larentowicz

ASHDHFJHJAUEWBBAJJTADFASGJAJGRJEERGONGOSNDFNGSODFNGSNFGOSND!!!!!!

AFTER ALL THE WAITING AND DISCUSSION AND PANICKING AND GRIEF COUNSELING AND DREAM JOURNALING AND BLATANT PANDERING TO SEVERAL DIFFERENT DEITIES, HE’S BACK.

Atlanta united football club announced today that JEFFREY ADAM LARENTOWICZ will return in the 2018 season because DANG IT IF THIS WORLD DIDN’T NEED POSITIVE NEWS IN THE BLEAK HELLSCAPE WE’RE CURRENTLY SURROUNDED BY.

Larentowicz will return to the holding midfield position that made him an Atlanta fan favorite in the Five Stripes’ inaugural season due to the fact he was the best player in MLS, and because a few inspiring thought leaders pushed the collective to recognize his true talent. When fans discovered that Larentowicz’s option had been declined, they collectively agreed he needed a new contract or Atlanta needed an extremely similar player to fill the position. So, we tweeted and blogged and AM I SAYING WE FORCED ATLANTA UNITED TO RESIGN HIM THROUGH SHEER WORD OF MOUTH AND WILL POWER? YES. I AM ABSOLUTELY SAYING THAT.

Larentowicz has made 339 career starts and 357 career appearances, both of which rank ninth all-time in MLS history. He made 31 starts and appeared in all 34 games for the Five Stripes in 2017, scoring one goal and adding an assist. He finished second on the team in tackles per game with 2.2, second in interceptions per game with 1.8, and third in clearances per game with 2.2. His passing completion percentage was 84.5% and OHMIGOD WHO CARES. WE GOT OUR CULT HERO BACK. WE GOT THE #LarentowiczDiffference™ BACK. WE GOT OUR MEMES BACK. WE GOT A PHENOMENAL NUMBER SIX BACK AND HE’S ABOUT TO BE PAIRED WITH DARLINGTON FREAKING NAGBE IN THE MIDFIELD WHILE ANY NUMBER OF GLORIOUSLY FAST AND HANDSOME AND TECHNICALLY GIFTED SOUTH AMERICANS CREATE ABSOLUTE WORLD CLASS ATTACKING MOVES IN FRONT OF THEM AND WE ARE NEVER LOSING A GAME EVER AGAIN. Y’ALL ALMOST HAD ME CONVINCED HE WASN’T COMING BACK AND I STARTED TO BUY INTO IT BUT I’VE LEARNED TODAY TO NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS. NEVER. GIVE. UP. ON. YOUR. DREAMS.

WE’RE ABOUT TO WIN ALL THE TROPHIES Y’ALL AND OH MY GOD IT’S GOING TO BE FUN AND WE’RE GOING TO DO IT WITH A FANTASTIC CORE OF RETURNERS (except carlos carmona who is 100% on his way to Chile) AND NEW FACES AND WE’RE GOING TO SET THE WHOLE LEAGUE ON FIRE AND DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALM DOWN AND GOD BLESS ATLANTA AND OUTKAST AND MIGOS AND JEFF LARENTOWICZ FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.