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Atlanta United is The First Order of MLS

The team is set to dominate the universe in 2018

A-League Rd 10 - Western Sydney v Sydney FC Photo by Brett Hemmings/Getty Images

There’s some spoilery stuff here, but nothing like finding out Luke and Han are brothers (that’s a joke it isn’t in the movie - and yes, I know it’s also a low key incest joke about Leia, thanks).

Episode 2018

The Second Season


Having decimated MLS, Supreme Leader Eales now deploys his merciless legions to seize soccer control of the league.

Only D.C. United’s band of BUS PARKERS stand against the uniting and conquering, certain that goalkeeper Steve Clark will be the best player on the team in all of their wins next year as a replacement for Bill Hamid (he won’t be).

But Atlanta United will not be denied. As the Five Stripes speed toward signing Barco, the cowardly D.C United mount a lame bus parking....

It’s clear by now that Atlanta United is playing on a different level from the rest of MLS. Whatever silly takes there are about the team playing simple or somehow being the same as the LA Galaxy when Ruud Gullit was manager, the Five Stripes have basically broken the league. I’m sure somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, there’s some blogger writing some take about the historically good First Order being so good that they’re bad because they didn’t beat any playoff teams blowup any Republics after an arbitrary point in the season space war (the one after they beat all the playoff teams they beat), but that’s a tangent and now I’m being passive aggressive and off topic.

It hasn’t quite happened yet, but the team seems ready to fulfill its destiny of being the most fearsome non-Mexican CONCACAF club. But when it does the black, red, and gold of Atlanta United will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies like an AT-AT stomping through some desolate landscape on the way to making rebel scum flea to whatever space hideout they can find.

Don’t believe me? Well here’s 10 ways Atlanta United is the First Order of MLS:

10. “There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Luke Tata, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy MLS.” Is probably what Darren Eales said to Tata Martino to get him to join Atlanta United.

9. OK, not First Order related, but it’s obvious that Miguel Almiron was the inspiration for Porgs:

MLS: Atlanta United FC at Columbus Crew SC Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

8. Simple, austere, intimidating: Brad Guzan embodies the Storm Trooper, if there’s one in the next one wearing neon body armor, it’s clearly inspired by the Polar Bear.

Premiere Of Disney Pictures And Lucasfilm's 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' - Arrivals Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

7. MBS is basically Starkiller Base, it’s undeniable:

lbelcher via Reddit

6. Losing on penalties in the playoffs is basically the same as making a weak point in all of your planet killing weapons three times, you know it’s coming but there really isn’t anything you can do to stop it.

MLS: Eastern Conference Knockout Round-Columbus Crew at Atlanta United FC Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

5. Josef Martinez goes full Kylo Ren when he doesn’t score:

MLS: U.S. Open Cup-Charleston Battery at Atlanta United FC Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

Like, I bet he buys his hair dye from Hot Topic and listens to Fall Out Boy all night if he doesn’t get a hat trick.

4. Jeff Larentowicz kinda looks like General Hux and if I had to guess, he’d be the one on the team most susceptible to falling for a crank call ( maybe he doesn’t really look like him, though if you squint and take off your glasses...). Plus, I’m fairly sure that if he ever goes away the entire First Order will just fall apart:

'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' European Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals Photo by Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images

3. This is basically how Anaken Skywalker came to need that mobile life support suit that turned him into Darth Vader:

2. Atlanta United could walk out to the tune of the Imperial March and it would be completely fitting for the team.

MLS: Toronto FC at Atlanta United FC John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

1. Finally, there’s the Galactic Emperor, Darth Sidious, Atlanta’s very own Emperor Palpatine - Darren Eales. While other teams are busy piecing together a hodgepodge of washed up European league hasbeens, making player decisions based on marketing plans, taking in USMNT fringe players, and signing Gonzalo Veron and Mix Diskerud - Darren formed Atlanta United into a record breaking expansion team. TAM, GAM, Designated Players, International Slots, Darlington Nagbes, Eales has leveraged all of these assets to their greatest extent to form the Death Star of MLS. Now only if they can figure out a way to not lose on PKs in the playoffs again and beat D.C. United, the team will be unstoppable.