Soccer players and flashy hairstyles go together like broken legs and Nigel de Jong. Some are fairly successful and even spark worldwide trends, others are deserving of constant mocking and being forever memorialized as follicliular homicide.
A player that has been all over the place when it comes to successful and completely caddywhompus is David Beckham. Say what you want about him, but the guy had no fear when it came to changing up his lettuce.
Brek Shea combining the double ponytail and cornrows is a hair innovation that few were ready for.
Or Ronaldo (the old one) rocking a forehead merkin.
While we're talking about Raheem Sterling's new hair cut.. is this Ronaldo haircut the worst ever in football? pic.twitter.com/l0whnojcGU— Get Football News (@GetFootballNews) July 4, 2013
So far Atlanta United hasn’t had any players do violence against their hair follicles like some of those guys. The team does have a number of players with mad lettuce swag though. Let’s take a look, and maybe hear a thing or two from the guys themselves, about United’s hair game.
Orange visibility ball: Check. Atlanta crushing a bunch of weak chumps: Check. Kenwyne Jones’ glorious dreadlocks hypnotizing defenders: Check.
In addition to having an amazing set of dreadlocks powering his furious headers, Jones also doubles as the in house barber for the team.
Asked who he thought had the best hairstyle on the team, Jones was diplomatic, perhaps not wanting to scare away business by playing favorites saying, “that’s a tough one, I think everyone has their own style more or less. We have a few guys who are pretty mundane more or less, maybe need to spruce it up with a little product maybe, but everyone has their own style.”
Though he’s now on loan with the Sacramento Republic, Heath definitely elevated the level of style on the team. Asked who’s got the best hair game on the team, the midfielder was unabashed in his self-promotion, “definitely myself” he said.
I can’t say that I can argue much with his confidence, but let’s see what other players have to offer.
If there’s an Atlanta United player that lets his work on the field do all the talking, it’s Miguel Almiron. Perhaps he knows that everyone is paying more attention to his amazing footwork, inch perfect passes, and charming smile to notice what’s going on with his hair.
You don’t get the nickname “The Ginger Ninja” without having a magnificent mane of red hair.
Here’s a gif of Tito using his otherworldly speed to style his do:
"But my parents aren't home."— Joe Patrick (@japatrick200) July 5, 2017
Aerodynamic and triumphant.
That fade, those frosted tips, if he dyed it blue he’d look like Sonic the Hedgehog in the best way.
Speaking of dyeing it blue Venezuelan Captain Planet himself is our hero, he’s going to raise the score from zero... eat your heart out Phil Collins.
Ok, yeah Captain Planet is blue and his hair is green, but let me have this.
Any player with a nickname that referrers to what he’s got going on with his hair should be on this list.
He’s one of our own,
he’s one of our own,
he’s Frosted Orange,
he’s one of our own!
Leandro Gonzalez Pirez
High and tight with a line shaved for a side part and a little bleach, LGP doesn’t try to do too much with it but anymore would be too much.
Asked who he thinks has the best style on the team, LGP says, “I don’t know I think Harry’s (Harrison Heath) haircut is great, mine is also great.”
As Brek Shea illustrates above, combining two hairstyles on one head can be filled with pitfalls and the potential to look like... well Brek Shea. Garza pulls off his look with ease though.
Part undercut, part mohawk, but wholly awesome and original.
Gresselmania has taken Atlanta United by storm, whether as a central midfielder or winger, he’s been a pleasant surprise this season. While his game play has been stellar, Gressel’s hairstyle doesn’t stand out.
Asked who he thought has the best hair game on the team Julian Gressel says, “definitely not me. I like Brad (Guzan)’s... Harrison, I don’t really have a favorite.” Go figure, the German player picks the player with the most efficient hairstyle.
I’ve seen Walkes’ hairstyle compared to Sideshow Bob, but the man owns it.
If he keeps shutting teams down as a right back and scoring go ahead goals, he can go full Mugatu, and should!
The Polar Bear is the lone representative of team chrome dome and continues the great tradition of bald USMNT keepers.
Yeah, O.K. I’m not a part of the team, but I did manage to get some advice from Barber Jones about my style.
And sage advice it was, “yeah, you need some help, get rid of the perm,” said Jones. Maybe he has a point.