Welcome to the “Hater’s Guide to F.C. Dallas.”

As always minimal effort has been put into this. There has been little research, next to zero editing and there’s a legitimate chance that you won’t find any of this entertaining in any way. As a commenter once eloquently stated even after reading a disclaimer about how dumb and irrevocably pointless this article would be…

“This is a waste of time. Nothing here folks.”

Prologue

This edition of the Hater’s Guide features Dallas, Texas, A city most famous for being the location a President died and for having a football team that hasn’t won anything since the 90’s. A city so devoid of any real impact on the culture of our country that (and I swear to the good lord this is true) that the last line on the intro to its wikipedia page is:

This was where Sheryl Leach was born and made the U.S. children's series Barney & Friends.

Dallas is a city many of us don’t think about very often, despite the fact that this was where Sheryl Leach was born and made the U.S. children's series Barney & Friends. On its day, it’s the fourth best city in Texas, still well behind a city that recently took the brunt of a massive hurricane.

But yet, we have to think about it this week because they have a soccer team. Well, technically Frisco has a soccer team, but who can blame them for not wanting to be in Dallas.

The City - Fort Worth area

City Symbol: BIG Tex

Each year, Dallas hosts the State Fair of Texas and each year “Big Tex”, the giant cowboy statue from your nightmares contemplates self-immolation as he stands at the fair’s entrance. One year, Tex finally succumbed.

I feel for him though. He has to stand there for a month a year and watch the worst of humanity on display time after time. And just when he finally thought the sweet relief of a deadly inferno from an electrical fire had set him free, those SONS OF GUNS BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE.

I couldn’t stand it if I were him. I would have to set myself on fire again.

Lifeblood of the economy: A freaking fair.

The fair itself reports that it brings in $600 million dollars for the Dallas economy, which is in no way factual. It’s probably closer to $100 million, a number that still eclipses the nominal output of Earth’s entire GDP.

The fair involves waiting in long lines for rides with shockingly high mortality rates and paying for food that’s express purpose is to induce insta-diabetes. It seems like a scam on the surface, but if you examine the latent content, it makes sense that Dallas residents’ favorite attraction would bring them closer and closer to death.

TV show bearing the name of the city: Dallas

“Atlanta” wins this fight by first round K.O.

The TV show “Dallas” ran for 14 seasons, is one of the most watched shows of all-time and is also complete and total garbage. A soap opera-ish thing that everyone was forced to watch by virtue of their being only like, five channels back then, the show’s most notable moments featured someone being shot and an ENTIRE SEASON being revealed to be a dream. Coincidentally, both of these events are things FC Dallas fans have repeatedly wished could happen to them.

Dallas’ top 300 moments combined wouldn’t come close to the excellence of this moment from “Atlanta.”

Another TV show besides Dallas found life here. This was where Sheryl Leach was born and made the U.S. children's series Barney & Friends.

Was Brett Hull in the crease?

Brett Hull was definitely in the crease.

Notable Rappers: Post Malone, Vanilla Ice and that dude who raps in Big & Rich

I’m going to say advantage Atlanta. Tough call though.

Everything else: Boring

Really boring.

The Team

History

The team, one of ten charter members of MLS, began in 1995 as the Dallas Burn. The team’s nickname stemmed from (and again, for the second time this edition, I swear this is true) uncontrollable fires burning in the Texas oilfields and the fact that Texas is hot.

(Honestly, I wish teams had continued the trend of naming themselves after the worst aspects of their location. We could have had teams like the LA Smog, the Cleveland River Fires and The Orlando City Orlando City Fans.)

Despite being associated with fire, the Burn’s logo was Trogdor the Horse-inator... a lightning dragon horse?

The first goal in Dallas Burn history came from the foot of current Orlando City manager Jason Kreis, who carried the standard of mediocrity he learned with Dallas into his coaching career. The Burn went to the playoffs in each of their first seven years but failed to make MLS Cup. Kreis believing the playoffs to rigged against him, refuses to this day to take a team to the playoffs.

In 1999 Kreis won the team’s first MVP award, which says much more about the quality of the league in 1999 than it does the talent of professional footballer Jason Kreis.

In 2003, the team moved its home stadium from the spacious Cotton Bowl to (and seriously, third time today but I’m not making this up) a high school football stadium named Dragon Stadium. The Dallas front office chose to move to the high school stadium having this conversation after an extend stay at Happy Hour of a Fort Worth Applebee’s:

“Hey, you know how we’re the Burn”

“Yeah.”

“Well why doesn’t our stadium have anything to do with burnin? Cotton ain’t ever burned nothin.”

“You’re got dang right.”

“It’s not like Cotton is one of them flyin lizards with the fire comin out of ‘em.”

“Well darn it why aren’t we playin in Flyin Lizard stadium?”

After moving to Dragon Stadium, the team failed to make the playoffs for the first time, and returned to the Cotton Bowl for the 2004 season.

In 2005, the team re-branded to Football Club Dallas as the front office prayed to God someone would mistake them for the Cowboys. That same year they moved into a soccer specific stadium in Frisco.

After losing in the playoffs a few more times, the team finally reached its first MLS Cup in 2010. They lost.

Last season, the team won both the Supporters’ Shield and the US Open Cup. They still lost in the playoffs.

Stadium: Toyota Stadium

FC Dallas plays in a soccer specific stadium in Frisco, Texas; the Roswell to Dallas’ Atlanta.

The stadium originally held the name Pizza Hut Park but Pizza Hut “ended their relationship” with the club in 2012. The stadium then took on the name Toyota Stadium. This is the stadium name equivalent of being broken up with by a dude who lives in his parents’ basement (He is internationally ranked at Call of Duty) and rebounding with his CPA dad.

Club Anthem: H-O-O-P-S Yes!

The only good thing to ever come out of the Hater’s Guide is the discovery that the MLS commissioned local bands to create team anthems for each team in existence in 2007. Dallas symphonic rock group/cult “The Polyphonic Spree” (who are usually fun and good and the reason we have St. Vincent) came up with a fantastic hot mess that invokes imagery of the team’s uniforms which have hoops on them or something.

I’ve listened to nearly all of these anthems. Amazingly, Dallas’ isn’t close to the worst. God help me, I think I’ve even caught myself humming the chorus a couple of times.

Best player: Maximiliano Urruti

A man who has 12 goals and four assists on the season. A man who looks like Sylvester Stallone’s son that just began his 6th year of college because he wanted to spend one more year as a PIKE. A man who should murder his barber and burn the body.

Mascot

Back in the Burn days it was this:

I literally know nothing about this mascot. The internet has nothing. Nothing. It looks like they took paid a Medieval Times actor to dress in red and black and ride his horse around a soccer pitch.

This mystery horse was replaced by Bevo the Longhorn’s coked out little brother…

TEX. HOOPER.

No really. That its name. Tex. Hooper. Tex is named after -- and, again, I swear on everything this is true because it is so ridiculously bizarre it sounds like someone played Mad Libs to come up with it -- a fictional character in a Norm MacDonald bit about a country star who is a closeted gay man named Tex Hooper. Tex. Hooper.

Tex has a bio on the FC Dallas website that is just the worst.

Favorite Movie: O Brother, Where Art Cow?

BOO

Favorite TV Show: Around the Horn

Tex Hooper is the only one left watching Woody Paige. Tex. Hooper.

Favorite Song: Bulls on Parade

A Rage Against the Machine fan working as a corporate shill for Advocare? Poser.

And finally, the most horrifying of them all…

Favorite Vacation Spot: Pamplona, Spain (great place to go for a run)

Oh my God. Did no one on the FC Dallas staff do any research on what happens to the bulls after they run?

Fans

All that matters is that Dallas has a supporters group named the Dallas Beer Guardians. That’s incredible. I couldn’t find a way to hate on it. I just hope they share some of that beer. After all, This was where Sheryl Leach was born and made the U.S. children's series Barney & Friends and sharing was a big part of that show.

Reader opinions

By far the worst experience this week.

Noted.

How to stop a giant cowboy

Burning Cowman

Conclusion

Jason Kreis? Big Tex? H-O-O-P-S Yes!? TEX. FREAKING. HOOPER?

FC Dallas is a good team who may win Sunday. Their city is boring and makes statues want to set themselves on fire. All in all though, they’ve made me laugh just by existing. For that I will be forever grateful.

This was where Sheryl Leach was born and made the U.S. children's series Barney & Friends.