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Atlanta United vs. New England Revolution, recap: Seven’s Heaven

The Five Stripes humiliate the Revs.

New York Red Bulls v Atlanta United FC Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images

It took 73 seconds for the game to be over.

Josef Martinez took the ball in space thanks to an excellent ball from Miguel Almiron and the Venezuelan pulverized the ball from a seemingly impossible position into the back of the net with 1:13 on the clock. The Five Stripes dominated the rest of the way in a 7-0 mollywhopping of New England Wednesday night in a game that tied for the largest blowout in MLS history.

Seriously. It got ugly.

With New England down to ten men after an Xavier Kouassi red card in the 16th minute, Greg Garza’s 30th minute shot caromed into a New England defender’s hand inside the box, delivering Martinez’s second goal on a platter as the striker converted from the spot in the 31st minute.

Eight minutes later, Atlanta once again won a penalty thanks to a handball from Antonio Mlinar Delamea, who picked up the Revolution’s second red card on the play attempting to stop a shot on target from Atlanta. Josef converted from the spot again for the only first-half hat trick of his career, a feat he said afterward he had only previously accomplished on PlayStation.

Atlanta continued to appear as if they were playing PlayStation against their kid brother the rest of the night.

Thanks to an assist from Greg Garza, Anton Walkes found the net moments before the first half whistle mercifully blew and the Five Stripes entered the locker room with four goals in hand, two men up and 75% of the possession.

Not much changed in the second half.

Atlanta continued to control every facet of the game, but stayed off the scoreboard until the 70th minute, when Kevin Kratz scored his first MLS goal for Atlanta with a stunning 22-yard free kick.

Yamil Asad added the sixth goal of the night three minutes later thanks to an assist from Chris McCann, and Tito Villalba joined the party in the 90th minute with the seventh and final goal of the game.

The final box score looked like this and it is not in any way safe for work.

Along with being beaten by the largest scoreline in MLS history, New England is the first team in MLS history to not record a single shot on goal.

If you want to watch all seven goals in one nice neat place over and over and over again — and you probably do —- the good folks at Atlanta United have them compiled all in one place.

The shellacking became so bad, Tata and co. were almost sheepish about discussing it after the game.

“Today before the second goal we played against a team with ten players and after the third goal, we played against a team with nine players,” Martino said postgame. “I don’t think it’s fair to make an analyses of that.”

Martino even forewarned the team against getting too cocky after a pair of huge wins.

“We’re playing great,” he said. “But we have to remember we’re the same team who lost three times to D.C. United.”

Each of the players who spoke to the media were adamant about staying grounded. Larentowicz, Parkhurst, Josef, and Miggy each pointed out that there is another big game a few days away.

“I'm really happy with the result,” Almiron said. “But I'm more happy that we're improving. Now we need to focus on Orlando."

With the win, Atlanta United moves to fifth in the Eastern Conference standings, one point behind Columbus who has three games in hand. Atlanta is now 2-0 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium where they outscored their opponents 10-0. They have yet to lose in eight straight home games. The Five Stripes return to the Stankonia Dome on Saturday to face Orlando in what is definitely not a rivalry game.