As always minimal effort has been put into this. There has been little research, next to zero editing and there’s a legitimate chance that you won’t find any of this entertaining in any way. As a commenter once eloquently stated even after reading a disclaimer about how dumb and irrevocably pointless this article would be…
“This is a waste of time. Nothing here folks.”
Normally, I’d begin the Hater’s Guide by pointing out some fun facts about the city of the team Atlanta United is playing. However, after a closed door meeting with the DSS staff, we feel like enough has been said about Los Angeles (Nice weather! Smog! Kardashians!).
Instead, we’d like to reveal, for the first time anywhere, a transcript of L.A. Galaxy’s own recent closed door meeting. While no media members were allowed in the meeting that took place immediately following a 4-0 drubbing from a Giovinco and Jozy-less TFC on Saturday, DSS obtained a recording of the proceedings when one of our writers received an anonymous message to travel immediately to Hartsfield-Jackson for a conversation of a “very impotent [sic] nature regarding the Los Angeles Galaxy.” Our writer then received a second message immediately after that said, “[Expletive] autocorrect.”, followed by a third message that was simply an upside down smiley face emoji.
Our writer waited for over an hour in a predetermined location before being approached by two figures wearing sunglasses and trench coats. The first introduced himself as “Zyasi Gardes” while the second introduced himself as “Jermaine Jones” before being told by Mr. Gardes that Gardes had told him on multiple occasions he, “can’t just switch his first two letters around because your name stay--, ugh, you know what, nevermind.”
The two characters then entrusted our writer with a tape recording (Lol, no seriously it’s on an actual tape.) saying simply, “You’ll know what you need to do.” As they walked away discussing the merits of even introducing themselves in the first place, our writer looked at the tape they had been handed. The label read “Gyasi’s Best First Touches”.
After listening in confusion to a tape that appeared to be forty minutes of a soccer player describing in minute detail (and with homemade sound effects!!!) the two times he received a pass and the ball hadn’t immediately caromed off his foot into the stratosphere, the audio switched and our writer realized what they had been given.
This is that recording -- minus the initial forty minutes -- transcribed in its entirety.
Manager Sigi Schmid: Alright. Listen up. This needs to be sorted. Now. How do we do it?
*Four minutes and 47 seconds of silence*
Gyasi Zardes in an obvious attempt to change his voice and make it sound like it was someone else speaking: I think we should pass the ball more to Gyasi.
*Audible laughter around the room*
Sebastian Lletget: Yeah, we all know that’s a bad idea. Because he’s not very good at soccer. Right guys?
Daniel Steres: *surprised* Jesus, you scared me. Have you been here the whole time Sebastian? I literally forgot you were on this team.
Sigi Schmid: Does anyone have any non-Gyasi ideas?
Sebastian Lletget: Because he’s not good, right? Right?
Daniel Steres: No, seriously, the whole time?
Giovani dos Santos: As an MLS All-star, I have to say that if wages were increased we’d increase our level of play.
Jonathan dos Santos: I agree with Giovani.
Jermaine Jones: This isn’t about money! Look we’re playing for our jobs here. We’re all young and hungry players, we should be showing some drive to get better so we can reach our full potential. Young blood like all of us should be giving it our all every game. We have so much to prove! Because we’re so young. Look guys-
*There’s a crack, a thud and pained grunting*
Sigi Schmid: Is he alright???
Emmanuel Boateng: He stood up to deliver the dramatic part of his speech and displaced his hip.
Jermaine Jones: Happens all the time guys. I’ll be back up in no time. Young stallions like me come back in a flash. Close your eyes and I’ll be -- *screaming* No! Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! I am fine! -- back in no time guys. Keep talking.
Ashley Cole: I’m Ashley Cole.
Sigi Schmid: Look when I was with Sounders --
*the room groans*
Gyasi Zardes: Oh really? Were you with Sounders? We hadn’t heard.
Giovanni dos Santos: All we ever hear is Sounders, Sounders, Sounders.
Jonathan dos Santos: I agree with Giovani.
Sebastian Lletget: “Oh how are you doing today Sebastian? You know, when I was with Sounders…” “Hey Sebastian, looking great today. Almost as great as I looked with Sounders.” You left and they won the cup. Get over it.
Ashley Cole: I’m Ashley Cole.
Daniel Steres: I honest to God don’t remember Sebastian being here. Am I the only one concerned by this?
Sigi Schmid: Fine, I get it. No more Sounders talk. But there has to be a solution we’re missing. Jermaine you’re the veteran here, what do you think.
Emmanuel Boateng: He passed out.
Sigi Schmid: I hate this job.
Gyasi Zardes: All I’m saying is you don’t have to necessarily pass me the ball. Just do the thing where you roll it in front of me and I run real fast after it. It works, like, almost every time.
Daniel Steres: You guys are missing the big picture. Sure we’re out of the playoff race, but darn it, we’re playing for pride.
Sebastian Lletget: You tell them Daniel! We need to play for each other!
Daniel Steres: Sebastian is right! And even though I’m not entirely sure he’s not a ghost in its corporeal form back to haunt me for past sins, heck, I’m not sure anyone else can even see, and/or hear him -- Seriously, where have you been? -- His weird, suddenly appearing self speaks the truth. We are a team. We are brothers. This season is not over. Heck, Minnesota is higher than us in the table right now. WE can change that. We can give this city hope. The world is a terrible place right now. Maybe if we can dig ourselves out of the depths of despair we can inspire people to do the same. Maybe if we play better *twenty second dramatic pause* the rest of the world will follow suit.
Gyasi Zardes: How are you standing?
Daniel Steres: Huh?
Gyasi Zardes: You’re standing to add emphasis to your speech.
Daniel Steres: Yes.
Gyasi Zardes: Aren’t you out for the season with a back fracture? Like, you just got done explaining how any movement puts you in considerable pain.
Daniel Steres: Oh. Yeah. Ow.
Sigi Schmid: Oh God, please tell me we play someone easy next.
Emmanuel Boateng: We play Atlanta.
Sigi Schmid: [Expletive!]
Jermaine Jones: Alright guys. I am good. I am conscious. My hip is back in. Time for me to give a nice, dramatic speech to solve all our problems and bring everything together. Socrates once sai--
Giovani dos Santos: Dan, already gave one.
Jermaine Jones: Dan already…
Jonathan dos Santos: Dan, already gave one.
Jermaine Jones: Oh. Oh well that’s cool. Yeah, didn’t want to do that anyway. I’m young, I’ll have plenty of time to give more dramatic speeches in my career. Plenty...of...time…
So like...are we all good now or...
Emmanuel Boateng: Nah, he kind of screwed it.
Sigi Schmid: Enough of this. Let me grab the whiteboard behind the table. We are going to talk tactics immediately. We are going to reevaluate everything.
*Schmid presumably bends behind the table to grab the whiteboard*
Ashley Cole: *Frantically* I’m Ashley Cole! I’m Ashley Cole! I’m Ashley Cole!
Giovani Dos Santos: Come back up Sigi! You can’t just go behind things like that! Ashley is still working on object permanence!
*Schmid presumably comes back up*
Giovani dos Santos: See, Ashley, he’s still there. Shhh. Shhh.
Ashley Cole: *Calmer* I’m Ashley Cole?
Giovani Dos Santos: Mhmm. You sure are buddy.
Romain Alessandrini: *French AF* You’re all imbeciles.
Daniel Steres: Ooh. Look who wants to speak up now. Mr. “I have more goals and assists than everyone combined.” Ooh, I’m so good at soccer, and so French and I’m so cool. Haha freaking got ‘em, right Sebastian?
Emmanuel Boateng: Who are you talking to?
Daniel Steres: ………...no one.
Romain Alessandrini: You will listen to me now. I am tired of losing. I did not come to America to be become old and loser like Jermaine.
Jermaine Jones: No idea what you’re talking about.
Romain Alessandrini: Against Atlanta we will take on similar tactics to Orlando. We will not bunker and sit back. Their field is too wide and they are too fast. We will press forward. We will create chances. We will attack the left side of the pitch where they have substitute full back. We will try to win in a game with many goals. It is the only way. If you do not listen to me, you will fail.
Emmanuel Boateng: What if we passed to Gyasi more?
*players murmuring in agreement*
Boateng: Hey Sigi, where you going?
Sigi Schmid: Seattle.
Ashley Cole: I’m —