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An Abridged Hater’s Guide to Philadelphia Union

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Short but still sweet.

MLS: Philadelphia Union at Minnesota United FC Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

As always minimal effort has been put into this. There has been little research, next to zero editing and there’s a legitimate chance that you won’t find any of this entertaining in any way. As a commenter once eloquently stated even after reading a disclaimer about how dumb and irrevocably pointless this article would be…

“This is a waste of time. Nothing here folks.”

Prologue

OK, I’m going to be real here. This thing is going to be more crap than usual. I didn’t really have the time, nor did I really want to waste the effort (or 2,000 words) on Philadelphia, a town most famous for being mentioned in the beginning of the theme song to a beloved 90’s sitcom about someone who leaves Philadelphia because it’s such a garbage city. There’s been a million games in a row. Atlanta’s practically unstoppable right now. It’s a Wednesday. We’re probably going to win by 40. I’m speed running this thing.

Off the top of my head here are some things related to Philadelphia and Philadelphia Union.

Some Stuff

Player that scored against them to tie the game in stoppage time: Tyrone Mears

Bahhhahahhaha Ty Mears. Ty. Mears. They let Ty Mears score against them. In stoppage time. On a diving header. Remember? Back when we were drawing every game in stoppage time instead of pouring gasoline on every team and setting them on fire? If you don’t remember, lookit:

HAhhahaha TY! MEARS! He hasn’t played a full half of soccer since June. He did a perfectly adequate job in the starting right back spot at the beginning of the year but if you had given me the option of placing money on Tyrone Mears scoring a game tying goal in stoppage time by diving header or “Immediate rapture”, I would have taken rapture. Let’s watch it again.

Best Rocky: The one that happens as far away from Philadelphia as possible.

Rocky IV is the only decent Rocky movie. Please @ me.

Most famous food: Philly Cheesesteak

Admittedly good. The best one in Atlanta is at Woody’s by Piedmont Park.

Most famous child abuser: Rocky

Yep. That’s right. Many people don’t realize this, but in the second Rocky movie it’s laid out right in front of you.

Along his run, more and more children appear to run with Rocky for his famous sprint to the top of the Philadelphia Art Museum steps. An excellent article in Philly Magazine mapped this run. Rocky runs about 30 miles all told. The kids start joining him at about the 14 mile mark, and stay with Rocky until the very end of the run, 16 miles later. How many 10-year-olds would take off on a 16 mile run in street clothes on their own free will? I can only imagine the scenes they didn’t show are Rocky mumbling about turning a kids face into a fist sandwich or something equally unintelligible if they don’t keep up. Rocky then makes these kids celebrate their torture at the top of the steps. Philadelphia made a statue to commemorate this moment because it’s a city of monsters.

Most famous former-resident (I think?): Will Smith

Lives in L.A. Made “Hitch” and “After Earth.” Scientologist. Father to Jaden. A+ Philly.

Club History

Started in 2010. Runner’s up in the open cup in 2014 and 2015. That’s the only two interesting things that have ever happened for Union. No, really, that’s it.

Club Sponsor: Bimbo

There are literally no more jokes to make about this.

DOOP? : DOOP

You may notice the Philadelphia fans using the hashtag #DOOP. On the rare occurence when Philadelphia scores a goal, they play the song Maria by German techno act, “Scooter.” To Philly fans, it’s known simply as “The DOOP song”:

(Video super weird and probably not safe for work unless you work somewhere very...interesting. It includes leathery Germans, bad techno music, and a dancing cyborg)

To their credit, the club and its fans have embraced the cheesiness of the song, and it’s certainly one of the more unique acts of fandom in the league. However, in no way does that explain the dancing cyborg. In no way.

Best Player: * Shrug Emoji *

C.J. Sapong? Andre Blake? I don’t know. Who cares?

Player that scored against them to tie the game in stoppage time: Tyrone Mears

BAHHHAHHHAA oh man. Still funny. I know we already did this one but dang it let’s just watch it again.

Championships won by Philadelphia professional sports teams since 1983: One

Same as Atlanta. At least until Tyrone Mears scores the game winning goal in MLS Cup.

Conclusion

That’s all I really have for today. Congrats to Philadelphia for being shown in National Treasure a couple of times. Congrats to Philadelphia Union for being super uninteresting and letting Ty Mears score on you. Yes, I realize it was to tie the game in a match we should have easily won. It didn’t make it less funny.

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