DSS Mailbag #5: The Last of the Mailbagicans

Welcome to the DSS Mailbag, a weekly-ish AF feature at DSS where J. Sam Jones takes your assorted questions and exploits them for content and a chance to stand on the soapbox that DSS has given him for no explainable reason. If you’d like to send in a question for next week’s bag, just want to say mean things about Sam’s writing, or want to apologize for a previous tweet or email where you were inconsiderate and really hurt my feelings, you can send words to @J_SamJones on Twitter.com or dssmailbag@gmail.com. Nothing is off-topic because there is no topic. There’s a legitimate chance you won’t enjoy this and it will hurt a little. All answers are final and unquestionably correct. All in all, as one DSS commenter once said, “Nothing to see here folks. This was a waste of time.”

Who should take Tito’s spot if he is not match fit on Sunday? I vote Andrew Carleton on the left and keep Gressel as a RWB in a 3-5-2. - Hunter Gwin

This is perfectly reasonable. In fact, it’s so reasonable means that it absolutely will not happen and we’ll do something like play Chris McCann on the wing and when the starting lineup is announced Tata will look directly into the press box right into my soul and smile and I’ll know then that this was all a long ploy to hurt me in the deepest way. It will be the same look he has when he subs on Kratz down a goal or doesn’t #StartBello. TATA IS ONLY HERE TO HURT ME. Maybe it’s time for someone to take over that won’t work so hard to troll me.....

OH GOD, WAIT, NO, NOT LIKE THAT.

This is a fever dream of a suggestion if there ever was one but how crazy is that Atlanta United is even included on this list? I posit that you have to have a certain clout to end up on random, reactionary twitter polls and this shows that WE’VE MADE IT Y’ALL. Or, something.

Either way, if this is any indication of what an off-season coaching search may be like for this team, things are going to get real, real, real, weird. You have to be excited about the potential of like “690 AM - Buenos Aires’ Premier Sports Talk Destination” tweeting out a source-less story about Sam Allardyce’s desire to manage in MLS at two in the morning and the media slowly playing “Telephone” with that story until it gets all the way up the ladder and turns into a 6,000 word Guardian piece about how Allardyce and Atlanta are a perfect fit and oh by the way did you know Atlanta likes soccer now?

Practically every manager in the world is on the table to turn into the next “Are they going to Atlanta United” story. From a BIG BLOG perspective, the click potential is immense. From a fan perspective it’s going to be insane. In reality, there are probably only two or three managers that make sense and they’re probably already being talked up by the Atlanta United front office (Jose Pekerman, anybody?). A coaching search could end quickly if all goes well, but the longer it goes, the more we’ll start hearing fun names like...

If Tata goes to Mexico, approximately how many fruit baskets do we need to send Zidane to get him to come to Atlanta? - Alex Sandifer

Should we really be sending fruit baskets to a manager that simply had to roll the ball out to the world’s best team for three seasons and watch them work? We should be going for a real manager like Jurgen Klinsmann.

Who will coach Atlanta United to MLS first CCL win? - Stephen Kirkpatrick

I’m hearing from a source that it’s Jurgen Klinsmann.

What happens when an immovable object collides with a Five Stripe? - Zach Lane

Five Stripes don’t stop. Immovable objects don’t move. What happens?

In short: Death, pestilence, Jurgen Klinsmann.

If Parky retires, which CB should ATLUTD target as a replacement? - Chris Herbert

Jurgen Klin— *gets shot*

The Retirement Monster looming over Atlanta United is something that we haven’t discussed as much as we should. The threat of Parkhurst and Larentowicz playing their final games in MLS is a real one and losing the pair would obviously mean major changes for Atlanta in defense. The good news is, there seems to have been some preparation for this already and there are a few in house options that, with time, could be effective although not like-for-like replacements.

Eric Remedi fits the mold of Carlos Carmona more than Larentowicz but is likely to take over the “six” role in the long term. Remember, Carmona was the likely starter over Larentowicz at that position before unexpectedly returning to Chile. The midfield pairing of him and Nagbe appears here to stay.

Replacing Parky is more difficult. There are a few options:

1. South American we haven’t heard about but everyone will pretend to have heard about as soon as he’s rumored to be coming to Atlanta
2. Trade piece X
3. We already have a replacement(s)

The first two are self explanatory. The third is interesting and some galaxy brain type stuff but stay with me.

What if the Parky replacement is Miles Robinson? What if the Parky replacement is Franco Escobar?

Robinson...has struggled. Franco has been...better but also struggled at full back. However, next year will be Robinson’s third in the organization and perhaps, PERHAPS, he will have developed enough mentally to read the game at an effective level. We know he has the physical skills. If he can position himself correctly at a consistently decent level he can be successful in MLS.

We’ve obviously seen more of Franco than Miles, but mostly at fullback. He’s been OK to good for the most part, but often gets caught upfield. We know he’s played centrally in the past though, and defensively he usually does well enough. If Atlanta United are willing to install a new right back next year, then we may see Escobar teaming up with LGP in the middle.

That being said I look forward to pretending I knew about......*checking*..........San Lorenzo’s Exequiel Palacios stunning skillset you have to see to believe all along.

It all depends on what Jurgen Klinsmann wants to do.