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Bobby Boswell announces retirement

Atlanta legend.

In the worst news possibly of all-time, Bobby Boswell announced his retirement from professional soccer earlier today.

Boswell last played for Atlanta United, where he nearly scored a header in the dying minutes against Toronto FC during his sole appearance for the Five Stripes. In retrospect, it’s probably better he didn’t score, as Mercedes-Benz Stadium would’ve literally imploded instantaneously out of sheer jubilation just months after opening its doors. However, it would’ve been nice to see local sculptors create a statue of Boswell out of the very expensive MBS rubble he was responsible for producing in the first place.

The 34-year-old demigod ends his career at seventh in MLS minutes played, with 32,222 in 366 appearances for D.C. United, Houston Dynamo, and Atlanta collectively. Boswell won the 2006 MLS Defender of the Year and was named to the MLS Best XI in 2006 and 2014.

Best wishes, Mr. Boswell. We look forward to your continued success rate of funny tweets and hope to see you in the MBS stands in the future.