DSS Mailbag #2: Electric Bagaloo

Welcome to the DSS Mailbag, our new weekly-ish feature at DSS where J. Sam Jones takes your assorted questions and exploits them for content and a chance to stand on the soapbox that DSS has given him for no explainable reason. If you’d like to send in a question for next week’s bag, just want to say mean things about Sam’s writing, or want to apologize for a previous tweet or email where you were inconsiderate and really hurt my feelings, you can send words to @J_SamJones on Twitter.com or dssmailbag@gmail.com. Nothing is off-topic because there is no topic. There’s a legitimate chance you won’t enjoy this and it will hurt a little. All answers are final and unquestionably correct. All in all, as one DSS commenter once said, “Nothing to see here folks. This was a waste of time.”

Hi y’all. Your pal Sam here.

Well we’re two preseason games in and...um...well we have 100% played two preseason games. Good work everybody. We’re closer than ever to meaningful soccer. Until then, let’s distract ourselves from whatever happened against Columbus on Saturday by answering some reader questions just like I did last week in the first weekly mailbag that was definitely not published almost a month ago stop judging me I can feel you judging me and I was busy making this video so stop.

First of all, great job! - Brett from Smyrna

Go on Brett...

Second, I’m not as obsessed with Jeff Larentowicz as you are but the guy was incredibly solid and consistent last year. -Brett from Smyrna

Go. On. Brett.....

You can make an argument he was MVP. - Brett from Smyrna

Congrats to Brett on becoming the official Greatest DSS Reader of All-Time. The rest of you are trash and should be more like Brett, the Greatest DSS Reader of All-Time. Step it up to Brett’s level y’all. What’s your question Brett? Actually, we’ll give you special privilege and give you two. You’re great Brett.

If ATL UTD agrees to a transfer of Miggy during the summer transfer window, do you think ATL UTD would bring back Asad as his replacement? It’s a lot of ifs but he’s familiar with the system and the team and you can move Barco inside and put Asad on the left. - Brett from Smyrna

I probably should have answered these questions when they came to me. Brett, if you entered into a coma right after you sent this like a month ago and just woke up, then I’m afraid I have some bad news...

Let’s just move on.

Can you talk about the depth of the team and if you see Tata going to the bench more to sub or provide rest? - Brett from Smyrna

Ok, this I can deal with.

We are definitely deeper than last year. Not only did we add quality players, wonder-teens Chris Goslin and Andrew Carleton have had another year of development. Both have been impressive in short appearances this preseason.

If we go by position in our typical 4-2-3-1 and compare the bench to last year:

At striker we upgraded from lifeless Kenwyne Jones to exciting Romario Williams. Superdraft Pick Jon Gallagher is reportedly competing for minutes as well. Brandon Vazquez can also move to striker though Tata prefers him on the wing. We unfortunately lost Bobby Boswell but I think we’ll recover.

At the attacking midfield spots MLS Rookie of the Year Julian Gressel is available, the aforementioned Carleton deserves serious minutes and continues to look exciting everytime he touches the ball and Vazquez has looked solid on the right. That’s three quality subs, two of which are under 20 years old. Andrew Wheeler-Omiunu is also around. On top of that, Darlington Nagbe can shift over to the wing at any time.

For the two holding midfield spots...well we’re working on it. If Atlanta United sign a No. 6 (please please please sign a No. 6 soon) then that relegates Jeff Larentowicz to the bench along with Chris McCann, Kevin Kratz and crosses fingers Chris Goslin. It’s not an all-star team. The hope of most the DSS staff is that Goslin receives minutes ahead of Kratz and McCann this season. He’s simply looked to be a better fit in the midfield than McCann each time we’ve seen him. If we really have to, Gressel can play there as well, but, you know, meh. Just play Goslin, ok?

At the back Franco Escobar can shift from fullback to centerback at anytime, Jose Hernandez should be a competent backup for Greg Garza and we know McCann can actually play a passable fullback. Larentowicz is also an option at centerback where he admittedly has been less than fantastic. Mikey Ambrose is fine at fullback and Sal Zizzo is definitely on the team. Miles Robinson may be sent down for some experience with the 2’s.

We have close to 20 goalkeepers.

Not bad all considered. Tata isn’t one to rotate a ton, but when the injuries pile up and those changes become necessary I feel confident in almost all the players we’ll put out there. Great question, Brett.

Why is nobody talking about Kratz? - Love, Jay Muffin Cakes Riddle

He’s good at freekicks.

This has been your weekly Kevin Kratz segment “The Kratz Korner”.

Thanks for reading folks.*

*Writer’s note - I wrote this the day before Atlanta United posted the video of him banging in a freekick at practice. Just so y’all know. #KratzKorner

Explain the “sale of NYCFC players to MCFC so then MCFC can sell them and get them off NYCFC books” to me like I’m a 5 year old. - Chris

Hey Chris, buddy.

*gets down to Chris’ level*

Hey big man, if I buy you ice cream right now will you never ever ask that ever again? Like ever? Cool man, thanks, you’re the best.

*Tousles Chris’ hair*

*Wonders internally what the hell is wrong with Chris and prays he won’t be the answer to ‘Who did it?’ in a true crime podcast 20 years from now*

Can we get an update on Lagos Kunga? Hearing plenty about Andrew Carleton, but does Lagos have a chance to break in with the first team this year? Do you know where he might fit in to the attack? - Silas

I love Lagos but it doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards for him to receive first team minutes this year. He should feature heavily for UTD2 though.

In the meantime go read Rob Usry’s story about Lagos because it’s good and I get paid five dollars every time I plug one of his stories.

Which would you rather fight, a boat sized Barco, or 100 Barco sized boats - Caleb

My initial thought was that boat-sized Barco ain’t nothing to mess with. But I started thinking, and assuming these are sentient boats I’m taking giant Barco everytime before I get propellered to death except wait BOATS CAN’T MOVE ON LAND DON’T BE RIDICULOUS CALEB. It’s not even a fight. I just walk away from the completely immobile boat gang and avoid any body of water that’s not a swimming pool for the rest of my life.

Who would win in a fight, Jar Jar Binks or a platoon of Ewoks? - Caleb

I’m sensing a theme, Caleb.

Jar Jar wins because he’s a Sith lord. End of discussion.

Does Atlanta United keep the cash and allow more playing time for Larry or someone already on the roster or do we go out and try to find a player to replace Carmona? - Clayton

We’re going to sign someone. Plain and simple. The question is when. It’s been #realquiet on the transfer rumor front and I’m starting to get pessimistic and think that the signing isn’t coming soon. The good news is that if we’re waiting, we’re waiting for something big. Even if the first half is a struggle, getting the best possible replacement in for a cup run is more important. That may mean we won’t have our guy until the summer. It’s hard to be patient but it may pay off in a big way. But if y’all want to hurry up and sign someone...........

How do we make sure impressionable teens like Zeke don’t eat a tide pod? - @major_nope

This question was keeping me up at night until I realized that Zeke will make enough money this week alone to never do laundry ever again his entire life. Just like most things if you throw incomprehensible amounts of money at it the problem goes away.

Many people criticized the ATL UTD 2 name for a lack of creativity. Do we need to be just as critical of Migos, then? - Josh

Oh hey congrats Josh you’re the first person to ever be banned from the mailbag. You’re like the anti-Brett.

How does one steel the nerves facing the prospect of have another team that’s not very adept at “score stopping”? - Will

This question actually made me think I was having a stroke but I think Will is trying to ask what do we do about our defense.

To be honest, I don’t know. If that six isn’t coming anytime soon it’s going to a be a heckuva first half of the year. Prepare for some exceedingly frustrating, high-scoring games. Find a stress buddy. Eat less sodium. Survive until the defense sorts itself out. Or just stop watching soccer altogether and write a book or take up painting or something that is wholly more worthwhile than caring about a bunch of 20-year-olds kicking a ball. There, don’t you feel better already? And you’re contributing to the zeitgeist. Isn’t that nice? The zeitgeist, y’all. The zeitgeist. Doesn’t everyone feel relaxed?

Who would win a round robin (boxing/UCF) between Bocanegra, Tata, Blank, and Eales? -@reevesg55

DARREN WILL RIP EVERYONE’S HEAD OFF IN ONE SWING OF HIS MIGHTY ENGLISH FISTS AND I DARE YOU TO CHALLENGE ME ON THAT. I. DARE. YOU. I WILL FIGHT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU LIKE MICHAEL PARKHURST FOR THE LAST CHILI’S COUPON. I WILL END YOU.

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Ok that might have been much. Sorry, I just quit watching soccer to contribute to the zeitgeist. On second thought that might have been a bad idea. I feel...tense. Be right back, watching the Serbian Second Division just to get my soccer fix. It’s been too long.

What’s the best SATURATION, and why is it III? -@pizzlybear

It’s II. Sorry.

The best BROCKHAMPTON song is definitely “BOOGIE” though. Please @ me.

Eating hot chicken is an exercise in masochism. It’s the most painful eating experience I’ve ever had. You would have to be the lowest form of self loathing person to love hot chicken. Like a person who thinks Coldplay is good or a blogger.

Ok, yeah I’ll take the hot chicken.

How does Sam define regret? - Will

What’s going to happen to me the day after I eat this hot chicken.

If you could pick any player not named Jay Spearing to be Atlanta’s new 6, who would it be? Please support your answer with a GIF of Charlie Adam or Lucas Leiva. - Tiotal Football

Can we not.

Any idea how to end this thing? - Sam

Nope.