I spent all night crying and listening to angsty emo music when I learned Yamil Asad joined DC United.
Here are the songs to get you through the day:
Saves The Day - At Your Funeral
Brand New - Jude Law and the Semester Abroad
Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
Alkaline Trio - Take Lots With Alcohol
And no list of songs that should make you cry and never stop would be complete without Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah
Before complaining about the music selections, know that my taste is music was bad in 2001, and be glad I didn’t include a Fall Out Boy song.
Yamil Asad was an amazing piece of the Atlanta United first season. He had the kind of season that usually players who feature in unappreciated roles like defensive midfield or center back usually do, the main difference was that he scored goals and racked up assists. Asad will be missed, his first goal for Atlanta United is a moment I will always remember as a fan. The team obviously decided to go in a different direction this year, but Asad will always have 2017 - a year he produced some of the best memories of the season for Atlanta United.
That said, I’m sure Yamil will be appreciated in his new home.
Anyway, onto the Dirt...
Jermaine Jones is done playing soccer and is now pulling all of the skeletons out of the closet. Jordan Morris’ dog was first, now he’s explaining how the blind draw that sent him to the New England Revolution used a rigged coin. If you aren’t familiar with how Germ Jerm came to MLS, it is a saga for the ages and was peak MLS before the Cyle Larin calamity. The President of the New England Revolution chimed in to say that’s not how it went down, but JJ stuck to his story.
Burn it all down Jermaine.
This is cool, our friends over at Sounder at Heart have their motto on the Sounders neck tape section of their kit. Meanwhile, here at DSS we’re spending countless hours trying to decode Darren Eales’ twitter palindromes.
Thank you to our friends at @sounderatheart for all of the support over the years. It is with honor and pride that we include your phrase on the New Rave Green.— Seattle Sounders FC (@SoundersFC) February 5, 2018
We hear you, we will always hear you. pic.twitter.com/bI9BSK38AL
The Utah Royals unveiled their kit and announced a jersey sponsor - Conservice. Apparently the company is a service provider for planet destroying space fascists.
It would take 2 x 10^32 joules of energy for the Death Star to destroy a planet! Good thing they have Conservice Energy. pic.twitter.com/vMAPnFxdYM— Conservice (@Conservice) January 24, 2018
Antonio Conte’s Chelsea got crushed by Watford and he had some choice words about his squad after the game and Ross Barkley didn’t even play. He’s probably getting fired today.
Here’s a round up of games from Sunday in Argentina’s Superliga from Hasta El Gol Siempre.
We’re at the stage of the show when things are hard, his decisions are extremely difficult, and he’s got real feelings. They went to Paris, the Big Easy, because where else would you go with your 10 girlfriends?
Arie took Lauren to see the sights in Paris where he engaged her in deep conversations about how wheels of cheese in France look like the ones in Holland - and made observations about the Cathédrale Notre Damme. Lauren may have thought that Arie was a mime or something because she basically treated him like he couldn’t talk while he gesticulated at random things he saw on their painfully awkward - silence filled date.
Somehow Lauren salvaged things by telling Arie that she formed relationships by putting guys in the friendzone. Arie, some how thinking that this didn’t apply to hime, seemed to be more attracted to her and mistook this for opening up - she got the one-on-one rose!
The group date included 10 women who are dating one man joining a dance troop at the Moulin Rogue while Arie was dressed as a magician. When the girls actually got their time with Arie they all talked about how good it felt to have a connection with him. Bekah M. got the group date rose so she got to appear on stage with him in a performance at the Moulin Rogue while the other girls watched - because the show is based on the producers manipulating the people on the show.
Who cares about that though - there was also a two on one. Guess who he picked - if you think it was the entirely predictable choice of the villain Krystal and some other un-objectionable girl - Kendall - you’d be right! Krystal relished and basked in the opportunity to fame hunt and make a spectacle of herself on TV.
Krystal explained that the two on one would be unfair because she’s so great. Her contrived peacocking and cloying arrogance were on full display during the date. Arie spent the date reading museum placards to the girls at the chateau they visited. She spent her time on the 2 on 1 talking about how important getting a rose was and talked about why Kendall wasn’t ready to fall in love and get married - while blatantly trying to manipulate him.
Kendall had a nice conversation with Arie too, he told her what Krystal told Arie about her. Rather than get mad, Kendall told Krystal she empathized with her - it was one of the sickest burns in the history of television. It completely defused any drama that would be on the date and made Krystal upset that more conflict - the basis of her and Arie’s relationship - wouldn’t arise on the date. You can imagine who got the rose and who went home.
Bye Krystal - see you on Bachelor in the snow or whatever
Then Arie had a one on one with Jacqueline who has mostly been in the background for the show until now. He picked her up in a car built during his childhood in the 1930s, it promptly broke down and he got to mansplain car parts to her. The one on one was pretty heartbreaking, Jacqueline really likes Arie but their relationship might not work out because they want different things in their lives. Arie still gave her a rose even though they seem clearly doomed - ah, Paris.
At the rose ceremony four more women got roses, so now Arie’s girlfriend total is in the single digits. He’s nearing the final lap, going toward the finish line of love.
No Bachelor next week because of the Olympics - but don’t worry there’s Bachelor Winter Games!
Goal(s) of the day
I can’t believe we’re going to be watching Yamil Asad do this for another team next year - this might be Atlanta’s highlight of the season.
That pass from Asad is simply exquisite. #ATLvMIN https://t.co/OpHRTAhXx6— Major League Shocker (@MLShocker) October 4, 2017
#BestOf2017 One of the best moments about 2017 was #ATLUTD. The team took over the city like no one expected and fans showed soccer in the south is like no other. I was lucky enough to catch the Five Stripes first ever goal by @YamilAsad11 #VamosATL— Victor A. Tun (@victortun09) January 1, 2018
On to 2018!!! pic.twitter.com/n50xYqZb4l
Just watch @YamilAsad11 in this entire video pic.twitter.com/O90D5F13ga— Atlanta United FC (@ATLUTD) June 24, 2017
I’m not crying, but that’s just because all of my tears have left my body.
What to listen to
Curious about the league every MLS player will come from for now on - check out Hand of Pod (it’s a pun), an Argentine soccer podcast.