All right, it’s sort of happening. Zlatan Ibrahimovic is coming to MLS and it should prove to be an absolute joy to behold. Between flying coach, playing against defensive juggernauts like Steve Brinbaum and trying to find some way to score on Matt Lampson,
Here is what Zlatan has to look forward to:
The man who once replied “Absolutely not. I have ordered a plane. It is much faster” when asked about buying a Porsche will get to fly coach - The best or nothing.
A player who told reporters that “I came like a king, left like a legend” when he moved on from Paris Saint Germain will get to play soccer in a baseball stadium on a barely regulation sized pitch.*
Zlatan, who once said the boring and sad statement that, “With all respect for what the ladies have done, and they’ve done it fantastically well, you can’t compare men’s and women’s football. Give it up, it’s not even funny,” will play in a country where the Women’s National Team is filled with the best players the country has produced.
The player who said “When you buy me, you are buying a Ferrari. If you drive a Ferrari you put premium petrol in the tank, you hit the motorway and you step on the gas. [Pep] Guardiola filled up with diesel and took a spin in the countryside. He should have bought a Fiat” about the best manager in soccer will get to be told what to do by Sigi Schmid.
After telling reporters, ”We’re looking for an apartment. If we don’t find anything, then I’ll probably just buy the hotel” when he moved to PSG is going to be paid in something called Targeted Allocation Money.
Zlatan, who once quipped “Zlatan doesn’t do auditions” about why he didn’t go for a trial as a teenager with Arsenal will get to fight for playing time against Norway International Ola Kamara.
A striker who told reporters, “It’s true I don’t know much about the players here, but they definitely know who I am” will be on a roster with Chris Pontius.
Zlatan was injured more than he played at Manchester United, as his farewell message reflects:
Great things also come to an end and it is time to move on after two fantastic seasons with Manchester United. Thank you to the club, the fans, the team, the coach, the staff and everybody who shared with me this part of my history. #foreverred pic.twitter.com/vo1Gs3SUHL— Zlatan Ibrahimović (@Ibra_official) March 22, 2018
When reached for comment, Ashley Cole said, “I’m Ashley Cole.”
The LA Galaxy don’t come to Atlanta this year, so fans will have to wait until he gets selected by Don Garber to the All-Star Team and gets put on the bench by Tata Martino for a reporter to ask him what it’s like to play in front of 70,000 people.
There’s no place like home Toto!
Anyway, on to the Dirt...
Maybe you’ve seen this already, but the USMNT won’t be wearing these in Russia this year and that is a complete shame - these are terrific:
Uhh, Montreal forgot that the offseason happened but now they’re kinda building a respectable looking team:
Rudy Camacho is another quality TAM signing by #IMFC, for a reported €750K transfer fee. The 27 year old French centerback was the captain and defensive leader for #WaaslandBeveren , and he should fill that much needed role vacated by Laurent Ciman in Montreal. #MLS pic.twitter.com/BvrQhYfubZ— Jason Foster (@JogaBonito_USA) March 22, 2018
Curious about the team the NC Courage will face tomorrow? Get to know the Portland Thorns.
Nothing has happened, we’re all just waiting for all of the international friendlies to kick off - which happens tonight! Who can resist watching Mexico take on Iceland (which I am actually serious about - I want to see that). Here are all the rest of the games that will be taking place.
If anyone thinks Zlatan is done, he was surprisingly prolific with Manchester United
Read everything on Dirty South Soccer and then go out and enjoy Spring in Atlanta.
*Editors note: I spelled it Germaine at first.
**Editors note 2: Had to add that tweet.
Have a lovely weekend.