A forward from the author
Welcome to a Hater’s Encyclopedia to Orlando City. We’re back to where it all began. The Hater’s Guides began less than a year ago when my heart, consumed by spite and pettiness, poured forth those feelings into an amalgam of hacky jokes, syntax that was poor and mispellings that was the Hater’s Guide to Orlando City. Just look at how far we’ve come since then.
In this edition we at DSS wanted to go even bigger. We wanted to give you a reference for all things Orlando Hate. For that reason, we’ve included and built upon some of the insights from the original Guide. We’ve also added a whole bunch of new, even dumber things. Like any good scholastic reference, the subjects of hate are in alphabetical order. We want to make this as comprehensive as possible so if you feel a subject has been unfairly overlooked, please notify us and we — if it’s deemed worthy of inclusion — will update the Encyclopedia as soon as possible with proper credit given.
As always minimal effort has been put into this. There has been little research, next to zero editing and there’s a legitimate chance that you won’t find any of this entertaining in any way. If you take any of this seriously you deserve to be made fun of. As a commenter once eloquently stated even after reading a disclaimer about how dumb and irrevocably pointless this article would be…
“This is a waste of time. Nothing here folks.”
FAQ (for Orlando fans only)
Q: Why is this FAQ even here?
A: We realized that you, the Orlando fan, may have some questions regarding the Encyclopedia. We also realize that for much of the fan base reading is hard. Please do your best to help the others work through the harder words.
Q: That feels a little uncalled for.....
A: Right?! Isn’t this fun?!!!
Q: Why are you so obsessed with us?
A: You ever see a dude with a face tattoo and then for the next couple of hours you can’t stop thinking about what made them do that?
Q: Are you proud of yourself for actually taking the time to do this?
Q: So you admit you had nothing better to do?
Q: Are all Atlanta fans like this?
A: No. Much of them are well adjusted, very kind and pleasant people with much less free time.
Q: Should I complain about this on Twitter?
A: Ohmygod yes keep giving us clicks. It’s how we get paid.
Q: So...........you catch Kid Rock when he came through Atlanta?
A: No. Please stop asking.
A Hater’s Encyclopedia to Orlando City
A fullback who failed to make it in the Danish 1st Division and a man, like most in Orlando, desperately praying no one notices his hairline. He is in his first year in Orlando after leaving New York, the city equivalent of leaving a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse to go eat at Golden Corral. His one endorsement is “Concave Football Boot”, a modern football boot for modern uncles everywhere. They are hot trash.
Founded in 2008 in Austin, Texas, Austin Aztex FC were the precursors to the original USL edition of Orlando City SC. The team moved in 2010 to both literally and figuratively move down a tier by moving to Orlando and joining the USL Pro League. The club was named due to the owner’s desire to make an important historical society known as the Aztecs appeal more to what he called “the cool kids” by adding an X to the original Aztecs name to make the CS sound at the end of the name. “Do you get it?” he kept asking. “It’s an X, which isn’t how you actually spell it, but — you may not believe this, but stick with me — that X, which is one letter instead of two, makes the same sound as the original name! Ok, let me explain it one more time...”
B, Orlando City
A team with name that has all the creativity of...*looks at Atlanta’s USL team*...dang it.
Anyway, playing soccer/living in Orlando was so bad for them they decided to just sit this year out. They’ll resume play in 2019 having moved down from USL to USL Division III to see if they can actually win something. It’s that thing you and your friends did/do in intramurals where you knew you had no chance in the main league so you played in the “non-competitive” league to see if you could get a free t-shirt or trophy or whatever out of it. You still probably didn’t.
The official facewear of Orlando’s Ultras. Because you have to hide your face when you’re up to all your hooligan adventures because who knows what the cops will do if they catch you on the cameras yelling “Atlanta sucks!” and running away before the family of four walking to the game has time to even turn around. Like freaking ‘1984’ up in here, bros. Make sure you’ve got a skeleton face on your bandana though so you look extra sick. Like, actually sick. Like you’re actually dying. Will totally help the team make the playoffs and make you look extra intimidating as a member of the #PurpleUndead.
Everyone good with not talking about either of our teams? Good? Good.
Goalkeeper for Orlando City. From Harrison High School in Kennesaw, rGeorgia just outside Atlanta. Like the fourth most-famous athlete from Harrison behind a college freshman who hasn’t even taken his first official snap yet and three or ten other people I’m too lazy to look up because who cares, it’s Joe Bendik. Failed to make it in the Norwegian Tippeligaen before heading to MLS. Failed to stop this goal:
And this one:
This squad never quits @TitoVillalba15 with the last minute equalizer!! pic.twitter.com/bzqev4PtnQ— Atlanta United FC (@ATLUTD) July 29, 2017
An alternate leg wear for Orlando fans who can’t find a clean pair of jean shorts (see: Jean Shorts). Good for carrying things like wallet, keys, phone, and all your playoff (see: Playoff) ticket stubs.
City Beautiful, The
The nickname of Orlando given to them by themselves. You can tell because phonics still hasn’t reached Florida (see: Florida) and all of their names and writing makes you feel like you’re having a minor stroke.
19-year-old midfielder who failed to make it in the Paraguayan Primera Division. Orlando’s first “Oh man, Atlanta is buying a bunch of young, exciting players, we should do that too, did everyone see what we did, someone appreciate us now, we have young players too, lookit everyone, young, South American, we’re as good as Atlanta now right? Right? Guys?” signings.
The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.
An entertainment complex in Bay Lake and Lake Buena Vista, Florida, near Orlando and Kissimmee, Florida. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got here. All of these jokes have been made. There are no more. Orlando City fans called, they want their lazy banter back. Yes, of course they’ll hold. Not like they have anything better to do in Orlando.
A forward for Orlando City. The most expensive domestic transfer in MLS history, Sporting Kansas City received $900,000 of allocation money, and could receive up to as much as $1.6 million dollars for Dwyer. A member of the original Orlando City SC (see: Louisville), Dwyer was welcomed back with open arms to Orlando, while Kansas City welcomed all that money with open arms and proceeded to by the talent that has them at the top of the Supporters’ Shield standings. Orlando has Dom Dwyer and a fun song to sing at least though. That’s something, I guess. Atlanta United routinely feels bad for Dwyer and allows him open headers in front of goal as a way of expressing sympathy for him having to move back to Orlando after he thought he had escaped.
Edwards Jr., Earl
A backup goalkeeper for Orlando City. Determined to not be as good as Joe Bendik (see: Bendik, Joe). I don’t have a joke, I just feel bad.
A left back for Orlando City. Failed to make it in the Libyan Premier League (twice), Serbian First League (twice), Belarusian Premier League (just the once) and Serbian Superliga (just the once I think. Could be the same league as the other Serbian one. Who cares.)
Once irresponsibly played almost an entire half in the Serbian First League with a broken foot as a terrible example to the kids of Serbia who should learn to report pain and not play through injury for the sake of toxic masculinity. Which may or may not be a problem in Serbia. Again, no idea.
He has 16 CAPS for the Libyan national team which is almost as impressive as playing for Orlando City SC in that you, the reader, could put this dumb article down right now, travel to either team’s current location, and instantly be the best soccer player in that location. No seriously, try it.
A safety device used to warn large populations of potential fire hazards and to wake people up at 3:45 in the morning after you dox team communications staff and find the team hotel even after your supporters (see: Supporter’s Groups) doxxed an MLS referee and had to be told they probably shouldn’t do that again. You know, like children.
A state. Was largely uninhabitable until the invention of air conditioning allowed large numbers of people to move to the state and somehow make it even more uninhabitable. Noted for it’s large alligator population and...umm...I don’t know, Pitbull? I guess? Pitbull is from Florida right?
Apparently, the symbol of the city is this fountain?
I guess it’s appropriate that the city symbol is something usually found as the centerpiece of retirement communities and near-vacant malls to make them seem fancy.
Giro, Victor “PC”
Left back for Orlando City. Goes by the nickname PC,
a symbol of his growing dissatisfaction with the liberal media attempting to keep him from speaking his mind. He figures if he keeps it PC then the libs won’t be able to touch him no matter what he does. You can distinguish him on the pitch by the giant Pepe the Frog lapel pin he wears on his shirt collar and the red armband he wears despite not being the designated captain. because he looks like a player for Corinthians named Pablo Cesar apparently. PC failed to make it in Brazil’s Serie A, the Portuguese Premeira Liga and the NASL before joining Orlando City.
Another Orlando City Keeper who somehow isn’t as good as Joe Bendik.
A thing Orlando fans seem to have opinions on. (See “Hater’s Guide to SKC”, bottom of page)
A Midfielder for Orlando City. Failed to make it in the Colombian First Division before joining Orlando City. Has been a regular part of the Orlando City XI since the club’s inaugural season, leading them to such major accomplishments like (See: History)
The original coach of the first Orlando City SC (see: Louisville) and the MLS edition. Heath led what is now Louisville City FC to three USL Pro League (Third Division) titles before taking the reigns of the MLS OCSC. He was decidedly less successful and now resides in Minneapolis, Minnesota with his son Harrison.
Something you get to claim when you’ve been a team two (!) whole years longer than another team. As soon as you claim it, remember to repeat it as much as possible and rely it as your one fallback when discussing your team. It’s the only way you’ll be able to put on your purple skeleton bandana and look at yourself in the mirror in the morning without completely hating yourself.
The official clothing retailer of Orlando City SC and The City Beautiful.
The perfect legwear for the Orlando City fan on the go. And not like the athletic looking jean shorts you see in South America. Like the John Cena versions. Adults wear these in Orlando. The more they cover your knee, the higher your social status.
The founding father of Orlando. In fact, he was so influential in the creation of the city, the town was originally named “Jernigan”. He was later found guilty of murder. To their credit, even people in 1850’s central Florida knew when it was time for a swift rebrand.
Still playing for Orlando City.
The first designated player in Orlando City SC history. Led them to such accomplishments like (see: History). Failed to make it in the Brazilian First Division, Serie A, and La Liga before coming to Orlando City. Listed his greatest accomplishment as “scoring that one time against Atlanta even though we only got a draw out of it.” Never quite made it in MLS despite rumors of great potential. Now retired, he plans to take up watercolors and hopes that his art will allow him to finally make something of himself.
The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.
Grimace from McDonaldland: The kit
From Parker Cleveland’s definitive literature on the subject:
With Kljestan they now have a lanky 30-something toddler who stalks the field throwing tantrums for 90 minutes. Add to it a fanbase dedicated illustrating their toughness with petty vandalism and pulling fire alarms and it’s easy to see that OCSC has basically nothing that approaches a redeeming quality to the team, and Kljestan doesn’t change that.
Manager. Went to Duke.
The team’s all-time leader in appearances and goals, and a man who’s .182 BAC level made him forget that even Canadians drive on the right side of the road.
A man who wears flannels to party in Florida during the middle of the summer.
A man who freely admits to an under the table agreement between his employer and local police to keep players in less than admirable situations out of police custody and off the local news.
A man who hated Orlando so much, he refused to practice with the team and forced a move to Turkish Super Lig side Besiktas. Following the cues of it’s fan base, the team took the time to post a whiny message about it on the internet. He has made just two appearances for Besiktas.
The largest crowd in OCSC history is 62,510. Which is cute.
The mascot/nickname of OCSC. It doesn’t even describe their kits and therefore makes no sense.
The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.
Only three appearances for OCSC. You’re probably more familiar with him from that time he hit on your girlfriend at a bar and told you to “chill, bro” when you tried to intervene.
The first line of the Wikipedia passage about Orlando’s “local culture” — and I swear to God this is true — is, “A substantial amount of the teenage and young adult populations identify as being goth, emo, or punk”
It goes on to say, “Major companies, such as Hot Topic and Vans have noticed and taken advantage of this. Hot Topic, an emo retailer, established 5 stores in Orlando.”
It’s unclear whether this video took place in Orlando. And by that I mean, It has never been more clear that this video took place in Orlando.
Where the original Orlando City Soccer Club moved to when the MLS club was announced. This is where all of that team’s trophies are located as Louisville City FC is the actual continuation of the original OCSC. Not the MLS team currently in Orlando. Who have no trophies.
A nightmare lion that loves the movie Step Up 2: The Streets, and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes of TLC.
Michigan Man. Forward for Orlando City. Failed in MLS before accepting failure as his birthright and just sucking it up and moving to Orlando in 2018. As ennui has set in, he realizes scoring is fruitless endeavor, created solely to momentarily satisfy our lust for instant gratification. “What’s the point of scoring when death pays no attention to box scores?” he asks each horrified child who walks onto the field with him before games. He has yet to score a goal in nine appearances for Orlando.
The films The Florida Project, Ernest Saves Christmas, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, and Never Back Down take place in and were filmed entirely in Orlando. No complaints here. Keep up the great work, y’all.
Forward for Orlando City. Played his youth career with a team called the Chicago Sockers. Rookie of the Year Candidate. Don’t have a joke or anything just really wanted to include the “Sockers” thing.
Matchbox Twenty, NSYNC*, Backstreet Boys, a whole bunch of emo-pop bands. No complaints here. Keep up the great work, y’all.
The owner of Orlando City is Flavio de Augusto da Silva, a man who is named Flavio and has been rated the most influential Brazilian leader in the world. Flavio made his money by appearing as the rich bad guy in the Brazilian remake of every 80’s comedy.
He also acquired money by starting Wise Up at age 23, with a $10,000 loan and a single idea – to teach fluent English to adults in 18 months. A mere 18 years later, Wise Up now has over 400 schools operating in six countries, and was an official sponsor of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. He bought Orlando City with the idea of using soccer as vehicle to teach English to Floridians but it has proven to be his toughest challenge yet.
While Flavio, is the fiscal owner of the club, other’s have staked their claim to the title through other means (see: Villalba, Tito).
Cherish this joke while we still have it y’all. They might actually find a way to not be one of the 12 worst teams in the league for the first time in team history. It’s a long season though, and they’re constantly finding new ways to be incompetent.
What you call someone when you’re out of ideas.
Midfielder for Orlando City. Former MLS Rookie of the Year. Now takes time to work at a record store and sell Herbalife products and sometimes both at the same time in between occasionally playing soccer.
Last year, he left Colorado for Orlando and seemed somewhat optimistic.
August 10, 2017
After that he didn’t tweet again until the reality of having to be in Florida struck.
This feels like a bad dream I can’t wake up from.— Dillon Powers (@powerhour5) October 11, 2017
Carrot Top, A.J. Pierzynski, Daniel Tosh, two members of *NSYNC, and Casey Anthony. No complaints here. Keep up the great work, y’all.
There seems to be some contention in both fan bases about whether these matches between OCSC and Atlanta United constitute a rivalry. There is a clear answer.
From the definitive literature on the subject: They are in majority insanely unlikable people from a state that exists solely for insanely unlikeable people and happens to be right next to ours. There are soccer reasons to dislike them, there are innate human reasons to dislike them but most of all, it’s just more fun to dislike them.
If all the talk on social media, and the billboards, and the empty threats made by 130-pound UCF engineering students wearing skeleton bandanas and cargo shorts didn’t exist then Sunday would just be another game.
Midfielder for Orlando City. Failed to make it in Spain, MLS, and bunch of places in Portugal before coming to Orlando. A graduate of La Masia, Barcelona’s famous youth academy, “Uri” is prominently featured on their “Wall of Failure” at the front of the building to remind young Blaugrana that they are owed nothing, and will be given nothing. Another one of Orlando’s many “Ohmygod everyone is going to lose their minds if we don’t keep up with Atlanta” signings this offseason.
Tainan, Taiwan. Not even the capital of Taiwan. You know what is the capital? Taipei. You know who’s sister city that is? Atlanta. That’s right. Point Five Stripes. WHY ARE WE EVEN PLAYING THIS GAME?
The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.
Defender for Orlando City. Jonathan’s Grandfather was the first player in Boston Celtics history. By far the most interesting thing having anything to do with this soccer team.
Orlando City plays at the aptly named Orlando City Stadium. Atlanta United has never lost at Orlando City Stadium.
Orlando City built the stadium with entirely private funds like chumps who don’t even know how to defraud taxpayers.
The Suntrust Center would be tied for 28th tallest in Atlanta with something called the Two Alliance Center. Not even top-25. Their tallest building wouldn’t even get a number by its name on the ESPN ticker. It looks like the ‘roided lovechild of the Texas School Book Depository where Kennedy was shot and Disney’s Tower of Terror making it by far the most beautiful piece of architecture in Orlando.
Ruckus (see: Fire Alarm) and Iron Lion Firm.
Both groups have been suspended/given a stern talking to by the club for cursing at Disney World and for setting off fireworks in the middle of a Tampa Bay Rowdies crowd. In a more recent development, both groups are banned from the next four games in Atlanta after breaking bleachers at Bobby Dodd (hardcore), continuing a storied tradition of being banned from places that are honestly probably just sick of inhaling AXE body spray.
They look like this.
That’s it. That’s the whole joke. (see: Local Culture, see Hot Topic)
Don’t even care what position he is. Played for teams called Grasshopper and Young Boys. In the same career. Nothing else matters but that.
Over 62 million people a year come to the outskirts of Orlando each year to leave almost as soon as they’ve arrived.
They leave hot, at each other’s throats and angry that they were somehow tricked into paying thousands of dollars to stand in line, eat bad food and watch tacky theme park shows.
That Orlando has been able to keep up the ruse that their theme parks aren’t awful money vacuums for this long is commendable and frankly they should be applauded for pulling off one of the greatest “Turn Stockholm Syndrome into money” schemes in American history.
The super fun website where Orlando fans are allowed to run wild and fail to recognize when things are photoshopped and say the word “history” (see: History) a bunch.
Undisputed 2018 College Football National Champions. Notable for being named champions despite not having to make the playoffs, an idea known to Orlando City fans as “the frikkin dream, bro.”
USL Pro Edition, Orlando City SC
Orlando City SC was founded in 2010 as a team in the third division, USL Pro League. Their logo was drawn by the first artsy looking kid they found outside of a UCF dorm.
Their first professional team took the field in 2011 and actually won the USL Pro championship. They would win again in 2013 and 2014, proving that a team from Orlando can actually make the playoffs and be successful, just as long as they’re two divisions below MLS.
In 2015, they left for Louisville (see Louisville) and became Louisville City FC.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE GOT TRADED IN 2017 FROM LOS ANGELES TO ORLANDO CITY FOR A SUPERDRAFT PICK. A THIRD ROUND SUPERDRAFT PICK. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE DIGNIFIED TO BE TRADED FOR SOME TRAINING CONES. IT WASN’T EVEN A PICK IN THIS YEAR’S SUPERDRAFT. IT’S THE 2019 SUPERDRAFT. HE GOT TRADED FOR SOME TRAINING CONES TO BE DISCOVERED LATER. AND HE HAD TO MOVE TO ORLANDO FROM LOS ANGELES, THE CITY EQUIVALENT OF EATING AT A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT THEN HAVING TO GO TO GUY FIERI’S TIMES SQUARE RESTAURANT FOR EVERY MEAL.
The city is far enough inland that it doesn’t get wrecked by hurricanes all the time. However, despite being the largest inland city in the state, it’s just the fourth largest overall. The other three are on the coast.
The conclusion? Millions of people would rather be hit by a literal hurricane than live in Orlando.
A midfielder for Orlando City. Joined Orlando midway through last season when Orlando was in the midst of panicking because they realized they were going to miss the playoffs again (see: Dom Dwyer) so they brought in Yoshi who led them to a stunning 10th place finish in the East.