Welcome to the first edition of Morning After the Morning After. Rather than hastily writing about the events of this week’s Atlanta United match and other events around the league, we want to bring you the kind of well-reasoned, thoughtful analysis of both Atlanta United and the rest of the league that comes from sitting things out for a day or two. Now that we’re two days removed from a 3-1 loss DOESN’T EVERYONE FEEL BETTER?
Atlanta United Thought of the Week
“I am become VAR, destroyer of worlds.”
Open wide for yet another VAR take DSS can cram down your throat. I’ll try and make it brief.
Imagine if you will that aliens are attacking the city. Most have been defeated, but the remaining few have taken hostages inside a building. Now, theoretically, sending in a crack team of your best alien killing operatives to save the humans and rid the Earth of its invaders seems like a great idea. But now, imagine if you will that the members of said team are all dumb. But yet, they’re still sent in anyway with total permission to shoot as they please. The hope is that they’ll kill only aliens. Instead, they take out a bunch of humans in the process because they can’t tell the difference. Because they’re dumb. They then come out of the building and applaud themselves for shooting so much. Like dummies. That’s VAR.
Could I have just said “decent idea, garbage implementation because of lack of credible facilitators who show terrible discretion and can review all the plays instead of just like one or two”? Yes. Of course. But I had the alien thing ready to go and it kind of made sense I think.
Atlanta United Tweet of the Week
Orlando City has identified 38 individuals who will be banned for one to two years based on their "level of involvement" in the incident at the end of the Atlanta match.— The Mane Land (@TheManeLand) May 21, 2018
Atlanta United Idea of the Week
“Suggestion: We troll MLS and the refs after all goals by standing stoically—in complete silence—until play resumes. At that point we know we have passed VAR and we go crazy like usual. I realize this will be hard to do.” - u/PigCheese22 on r/AtlantaUnited
I will give all the DSS Dollars in the world to see this happen.
Best 11: 11 Non-Atlanta United Things That Happened In the League Called MLS or Major League Soccer during this Weekend in MLS
Zlatan is done.
If you haven’t heard by now...ZLATAN STRAIGHT SLAPPED A DUDE.
Our friends in the VAR lair caught this and the Swede was sent off. This of course led to some casual dunking on social media from the most casual dunkingest of all the leagues for some reason.
From the Earthquakes. THE. EARTHQUAKES. You have messed up when the least popular kid in school is getting in pot shots and the rest of the school is laughing at the jokes. “Yeah I know that kid got his braces stuck in the water fountain faucet yesterday but man he’s on point with this” really shouldn’t be your aesthetic Zlatan.
To be fair, 10-man LAG did leave Montreal with three points.
But still. Dunked on. By San Jose. San Jose. Dunked on them. San Jose Earthquakes. Dunked.
The good news is, everything else in the ongoing zLAtan experiment is going as well as planned
3rd hand information but this was sent to me from a friend I trust.— Chris Tucker ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (@ZeroCool138) May 21, 2018
Take it for what you will. pic.twitter.com/1wNj4zLHqw
Tim Howard is broken and the nightmares of his past are controlling his future and the darkness is creeping ever closer and oh no they’re not stopping they’re not stopping are they they’re never going to stop.
“Oh man, ok Villa is in on goal. Step out. Ok good, now dive the direction of the ball, ok here I go and OHNO THE FIRE, THE FIRE IS BACK, HOW IS IT MOVING SO QUICKLY AND HOW IS IT GOING THROUGH WALLS IT’S NOT A GHOST, wait what was I, ohnotoolate sit down or something!”
“uh oh here they come again I don’t even want to think about it just do the sit down move again and HOLY CRAP IT WORKED who’s the best *clap clap* Tim Howard *clap clap* and AHHHH THEY’RE ALLOWED TO SHOOT TWICE?!?! Jump! Jump Timmy! Here we gagdsangjsjga falling, falling to my death, wake up wake up wake up wake up oh thank god I’m ok.........oh hey they scored”
“Tim.....Tim............Tiiiiiiimmmmmm.........Tuh-immmmmmmm...Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyeeeeemmm.....Tim.......yeah it totally does stop sounding like a regular word after a while and wait oh god they scored again didn’t they”
“Oh crap it’s Villa again, time to make up for the first one, dive the correct way this time annnddd WHY WOULD THEY CANCEL THE EXPANSE LIKE THAT THERE WERE SO MANY ARCS TO — no Tim focus you got this he’s going right he’s going right he’s going....................”
Happy David Villa Day
Oh yeah, all those goals came on “David Villa Day” in the Bronx. Everyone in the crowd was treated to a commemorative “David Villa Back Brace” to represent the last three plus years of Villa carrying the rest of the Pigeons on his back. The rest of the NYCFC players were then taken to the hospital to be treated for that sick burn.
The most respected 1-1 draw in the history of the league. Never been a 1-1 draw quite like it really. And against the best team in the Western Conference that isn’t Minnesota United? Wow. Stunning. Truly stunning. Beautiful even. But like in a strong-willed beauty kind of way that you really respect for its beauty.
Houston is leading the league in xG
“Really?” you ask. “I wonder why?” you ask. “How does a team that sits in sixth place in the West with just 15 points over 10 games lead the league?” you continue to ask incessantly please stop bothering me. I answer with “THEY SCORE ALL THEIR GOALS 10 YARDS AWAY FROM DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE NET.”
It also helps that Alberth Elis is The Truth.
Carlos Vela is full of magic and dreams
SAMUEL AMENTEROS CARES NOTHING FOR YOUR MAGIC OR YOUR DREAMS
“The Oregon Lottery — You have more chance of running 60 yards unobstructed and then being given the space to shoot and score a game-winning goal and, instead of completely screwing it up like the disaster you are, actually making clean contact and sending it into the top left corner than winning our contest. Anyway, buy some tickets you filthy hipsters.”
By the way, some casual dunking occured after this one too except for casual it was more like aggressive and instead of dunking it was more like homicide.
Uhhh...if you let Keegan Rosenberry score you should probably be relegated
Uhhh.......if you let Keegan Rosenberry score from 20+ yards to make it 4-1 in favor of a team that says #DOOP at every available opportunity you should probably be catapulted into the sun.
The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of OHMYGOD EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE
Awwwww yeah. We all knew it was coming. You knew. I knew. Everybody f******** knew. Dallas/Fort Worth/Frisco area till I die babbbbyyyyyyyy.
82' - That's unfortunate. Own goal puts Vancouver on the board.— FC Dallas (@FCDallas) May 19, 2018
FCD- 2, VAN-1 | #FCDvVAN
Oh. Well yeah, that’s definitely unfortunate. But it’s just own goal. It’s kind of like we just scored again. It’s like we’re really up 3-0, isn’t that fun? This is fun! We’re having fun!
Alright, one more tweet. We’re riding this one out the rest of the way. Good sub. Things will be over in what, seven, eight minutes tops. Three minutes of stoppage time, maybe. We’re not tweeting again until this one’s over and we’re walking out with three points.
Ok. So, listen. You know that one time I said that me and Jessie broke up for moment and I said that “things got a little dramatic but it’s all good” and that’s all I said about it but now you know that Jessie is in jail for attempted arson and Jessie and I are also back together. This is a lot like that.
Anyway, in summary:
Cyle Larin scored a hat trick
As Orlando went on to a big rebound win after a tough loss to Atlanta United and wait oops that was for Besiktas.
Speaking of the Larin-less Lions...
(But for real though Toronto back?!??!?)
Three Quotes of the Week
Through the realist of real journalism these quotes have been pulled from extremely real sources around the league that definitely exist and are in no way nonexistent but in a much more real way are completely nonexistent and made up.
“I mean maybe Netflix? Maybe Hulu? Maybe a lesser known streaming platform like Amazon? All of them seem like viable options for a show with a passionate fan base like with The Expanse.” - Tim Howard on his goalkeeping struggles
“I made the call I thought was correct. End of story. But like...did he say anything else about me? Cause like, I’m not going to say I love the attention but tbh I kind of love the attention and it’s just like...you know...it’s just like...I was being nice before and he didn’t say anything but now it’s like I’m in his like world space you know and that’s good and look, I’d rather have that than nothing.” - Mark Geiger on Tata Martino’s postgame criticism
“Oh no, definitely not washing it. Ever.” - Michael Petrasso on if his face was ok after being slapped by Zlatan Ibrahimovic
MLS Tweet of the Week
nice to add one in real-time occasionally pic.twitter.com/9faRZ3RkzE— Pablo Maurer (@MLSist) May 21, 2018
Alpharetta Dad Thought of the Week - Sponsored by the black 2011 Lexus ES that just cut you off on 285
“We didn’t need video review. You got punched in the kidney and if the ref didn’t see it then you lived with it and didn’t complain. In fact you thanked them. You thanked them for that kidney punch even if you were in a hospital bed when you said it. John Stockton never once complained about a kidney punch. Hey, what happened to all the white basketball pla—”