Morning After the Morning After: The Off-Weekening

Welcome to the Morning After the Morning After. Rather than hastily writing about the events of this week’s Atlanta United match and other events around the league, we want to bring you the kind of well-reasoned, thoughtful analysis of both Atlanta United and the rest of the league that comes from sitting things out for a day or two. Now that we’re 9 days removed from a 3-1 loss DOESN’T EVERYONE FEEL BETTER?

No ATLUTD game this weekend so we’ll head straight to making fun of everyone else from our ivory tower. Good news! There’s a lot to make fun of and pretty much every result went our way.

Best XI: 11 Non-Atlanta United Things That Happened In the League Called MLS or Major League Soccer during this Weekend in MLS

Samuel Armenteros is actually trying now

Armenteros came to the Rose City this offseason on a loan from Serie A side, Benevento. It took eight games for him to score his first goal for the Timbers. It came last week and whooooo boy was it a banger.

It was just one goal though, and there was no reason to believe that he would continue to score just because he scored one goOHHHHHMYYGOOOODDDDDDDD.

Where the heck did that come from??? That’s an easy contender for non-ATLUTD fan vote goal of the year and goal that’s making the rounds on Twitter.com and elsewhere around the world. That’s how good it was.

Oh and he also scored this one too.

They can’t all be worldies. Even still, Armenteros suddenly has the feel of an older brother who let kid you score a few points on the 7-foot hoop in your driveway before throwing down windmill dunks and blocking everyone of your shots into the neighbor’s yard.

Meanwhile, the Tim Howard farewell train of sadness is powering through your station whether you like it or not. At this point it’s reaching “KISS: Live at the South Lilburn Convention Center” levels of depressing.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth and it’s wait for VAR to do the right thing. Here it comes........Anytime now..........

Two of the best teams in MLS played to miserable 0-0 draw that was completely pointless because Zack Steffen and Tim Melia were playing. (It was also great news for Atlanta United fans and their early Supporters Shield hopes.)

It wasn’t without its share of intrigue. For the second straight week, with two of its top teams on display before a national audience, an MLS game became less about showcasing the best the league has to offer, and more about how we’re not entirely sure if MLS referees have the mental capacity to figure out how to and successfully apply for a COSTCO membership.

Federico Higuain had already been sent off after a seemingly correct decision from VAR. Sensing good will and a minimal amount of growing confidence in the system from fans and players, VAR decided to throw all that crap out the window by hitting on all the girls with boyfriends directly in front of said boyfriends, insisting the person in charge of music play Sum 41, and trying to start conversations about Ben Shapiro’s latest podcast to make sure everyone at the MLS party was completely done with it.

We’re just as sick of talking about as everyone else is. We’ve run out of ways to make fun of it and say how bad it is. Please “Old Yeller” VAR to hell and back and start over PRO. Maybe get a rescue dog that doesn’t bark as loud or pee on you when company is over.

LMFAO Alan Gordon

Hahahahahhahahahah Alan Gordon!!! Alan! Gordon! Hahahhahahah lookit. Lookit y’all. Lookit. Alan. Gordon. Alan Gordon did this. Against Orlando. Alan Gordon.

Gordon’s (LOL) stunner was the capper to a big 2-1 win for the Fire who had just one win in the last month. Before Alan Gordon (hahahhahahhaa) sent a bunch of sad Orlando fans home to rage dance to Family Force Five, Aleksander Katai did this:

And Patty McLain did this:

Orlando City Soccer Club has lost their last three games by scores of 2-1, 2-1 and 2-1. The Lions are right on schedule for their annual summer of sadness.

How can LAFC be considered the best expansion team of all-time if they can’t even beat D.C. United wait a second

Fresh off getting Armenterossed last week, LAFC went home to recover against a terrible D.C. United team they would certainly blow by because how long can you keep the best expansion team of all-time down????

Welp. They got dunked on by D.C. United. Hard to keep them in the conversation for best expansion team when they let things like that happen. It’s not something good expansion teams let happen.

Philly should have beat NYRB by like 40 no seriously

Philadelphia blasted RSL 4-1 last week. They could have and maybe should have done the same on the road against the best team in the league. Don’t believe me? Here are the full highlights.

If you’d rather not watch the whole thing to see how right I am, let’s look at three moments.

1. How.

2. How??

3. OHMYGODHOWWWWWWWWWWWW????

This one ended scoreless.

The actual hell Kei Kamara.

New England and Vancouver ended in a 3-3 barnburner of a draw that featured a Christian Techera hat trick for the Caps and beyond a shadow of a doubt was the best and most exciting game of the entire weekend. Are we going to focus on that? God, no.

KEI BABY WHAT IS YOU DOING?????

You will hear us. (because we’re screaming both internally and externally inside this Starbucks)

So maybe losing to a 21-year-old with a nickname that’s also a NSFW search on Urban Dictionary scoring his first MLS goal isn’t the worst thing right? I’m sure RSL has been playing well and it’s an excusable loss. I bet even last week they...

o......oh.

Was there dunking from RSL to rub salt in the wound? You bet there was dunking to rub salt in the wound.

That’s a lot of genuine salt there. Enough to fill an entire body of water if they wanted. A Real Salt Lake if you will (this is the best joke of all time you can’t prove otherwise pleaseeeeee @ me.).

You will hear us too, eh (because we’re screaming both internally and externally inside this Tim Horton’s)

Manager Oscar Pareja made the decision to start his back up keeper against the reigning winners of almost everything in North America. He kept a clean sheet. Dallas went up in the 11th minute.

He still kept a clean sheet.

Toronto earned a penalty.

He still kept a clean sheet.

Toronto had multiple close range chances.

He still kept a clean sheet.

Yup.

Clean sheet.

Toronto had 23 shots.

Clean. Sheet.

Cleeeeaaannnnn. Sheet.

Toronto and Seattle’s combined 18 total points would place them sixth in the Eastern Conference. Right on pace with the New England Revolution who still use a .net domain name.

Romain Alessandrini is sick of this

This 1-0 LAG win ended exactly the way every LAG game should; with Romain Alessandrini becoming so sick of being surrounded by the 10 of the most inept humans he’s ever met in his life that he just thumps the **** out of the ball as soon as he gets it. Will it go in? Maybe. Will it possibly smash into Sebastian Lletget’s face as punishment for being Sebastian Lletget? Either way, Romain wins.

Player one has logged off

Uhh......Ebenezer Ofori you ok, bud?

Ebbie (I really hope people call him Ebbie) and NYCFC scored first but fell to a sneaky great Houston Dynamo team in large part because of his, you know, not realizing he was playing a soccer game and in even greater part because..........

Alberth Elis is still the truth

According to American Soccer Analysis, Elis’ total expected goals plus expected assists is second only to Miguel Almiron. Almiron has played 279 more minutes. Elis’ expected goals plus expected assists per 96 minutes of play is second only to Giovinco. Elis has played 293 more minutes. Elis has the most shots on target in the league. Elis has seven goals and five assists, placing him only behind Bradley Wright-Phillips who has 13 contributions to goals.

Alberth Elis is the truth, and the rest of the league should be scared.

MLS Tweet of the Week

Three Quotes of the Week

Through the realist of real journalism these quotes have been pulled from extremely real sources around the league that definitely exist and are in no way nonexistent but in a much more real way are completely nonexistent and made up.

“I mean...I’ve just been thinking. I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. And it’s like...what if the net has feelings too. If I’m kicking things into it and causing it pain then I have to own that in my next life. Maybe I come back as a net, that’s all I’m saying.” - Kei Kamara

“I’m Alan f******* Gordon.” - Alan Gordon

“So I’ve been talking to Kei a lot lately, and he got me reading some things that I think you might find really interesting.” - C.J. Sapong

Alpharetta Dad Thought of the Week - Sponsored by the Big Green Egg

“If the MLS can’t figure out how to make their video tape work, how the hell are the Democrats going to figure out what to do with my healthcare?” - Alpharetta Dad

Heeeeeeee’s Tryin’!

Cleanse

See y’all Friday.