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Morning After the Morning After: Atlanta United - 2 Columbus Crew - 0

Atlanta invented MLS records. Just ask MaMa.

MLS: Atlanta United FC at Columbus Crew SC Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to the Morning After the Morning After. Rather than hastily writing about the events of this week’s Atlanta United match and other events around the league, we want to bring you the kind of well-reasoned, thoughtful analysis of both Atlanta United and the rest of the league that comes from sitting things out for a day or two. Now that we’re two days removed from going on the road to Columbus and taking a 2-0 road win over the best defensive team in the league DOESN’T EVERYONE FEEL BETTER?

Atlanta United Thought of the Week

“So...this could be a record setting team in more ways than one. You know, if things go right. But like, there’s a somewhat decent chance that things go right.”


And also:


And there’s a chance we’re good enough to go after multiple records by the end of the regular season, namely, the aforementioned Seattle record for road points and wins, and, stay with me, Toronto’s MLS record for points in a season.

The brunt of 2017 TFC’s all-time MLS-best 69 (cool great nice) points came from a stunning 13-1-3 home record that earned them 42 points, a final tally of 2.47 points per game. Atlanta United is currently on a 2 point per game pace at home. Phenomenal, but not 2017 TFC. Thank god for road games.

Last year’s record-setting Toronto team finished with 27 road points. Atlanta’s 2.13 points per road game puts them on track for about 36 road points in 2018. Add the projected 34 points at home and you get a grand total of 70 points. One point better than last year’s Reds.

These things obviously fluctuate and its unreasonable to insist Atlanta United keeps up this pace on the road but it’s not crazy to believe they might. ATLUTD Comm’s Director, Chris Winkler hinted at the weak road schedule remaining. He may have undersold it.

The average points per game of the nine remaining road games comes out 1.17 points per game. Minnesota United is currently averaging 1.14 points per game. Five road wins puts us at the 32 points needed to match 2011 Seattle’s road points total. Six wins — home ppg. staying even — gives us the 35 road points needed to tie ‘17 TFC. Throw a draw in there and we have the record. Is it that far out the realm of possibility to imagine going 6-2-1 against Minnesota?

That’s assuming we don’t get better or worse at home. Fortunately, the home schedule isn’t exactly punishing. The average points per game of the Five Stripes’ remaining home opponents is 1.27. It’s a little more difficult overall than the road stretch, however the toughest team coming to the Benz the rest of the way is Columbus, a team that Atlanta handled with relative ease on the road two nights ago. Toronto’s home record is almost certainly untouchable, but if an Atlanta United team that’s been dominant on the road begins to improve on an already stellar record at home, then the Reds’ time atop the MLS points list may be short lived.

The only question with this team right now may involve defensive depth as injuries begin to pile up in the back line. If Atlanta were to bring in help for it’s back line and for veteran Jeff Larentowicz in midfield then they may just be an unstoppable OHMMYYYGOD

Don’t get your hopes up. Things happen. Sports are stupid. But it’s getting harder and harder to not be excited about what this team could be.

Atlanta United Tweet of the Week

Bonus: (Doyle didn’t even have anything mean to say, that’s how good we were.)

Soccer Article for the Edification of the Atlanta United Fan Base of the Week

Atlanta United Quote of the Week

“FIFA chose two cities to tour and chose New York and Atlanta earlier in the year. Atlanta was front and center of this bid. If you saw any of the footage of the 15-minute video that the United bid was allowed to show to the voters, half of it was Atlanta. We were able to demonstrate here that soccer has taken off in America. Atlanta United averages 53,000 in attendance, which ranks 15th in the entire world. This is our way of saying, ‘If we can do this in Atlanta, imagine what we can do in America with an eight year head start’. That was one of the factors that swayed the vote.” - Darren Eales

Bonus: (Here’s the video he’s talking about)

MLS Tweet of the Week

Best XI: 11 Non-Atlanta United Things That Happened In the League Called MLS or Major League Soccer during this Week in MLS*

*All quotes are totally made up unless otherwise noted but it’s more fun to imagine them being real so do that


Toronto FC totally proved their back for the fourth week in a row by going down 3-0 to D.C. United in the first half.

All according to plan. Toronto roared back to bag three second-half goals and then later, a game tying fourth-goal in stoppage time.

Nick Hagglund had plenty to say after his brace.

“Everyone was sooooooooo impressed by Columbus’ three goal comeback against us. Well we wanted to prove how back we are so we not only let them score three goals, we let them score a fourth. Let’s see Columbus do that. Draw of the season. Toronto back. Hagglund out,” he said turning and high-fiving everyone on the team as they celebrated one point against last-place D.C. United.

Despite being back Toronto still sits in 10th place in the Eastern Conference on the same number of points as the Montreal Impact. Toronto back.

Speaking of Montreal...

2. Orllllllando

Orlando has lost six-straight. They were routed by Montreal. The game was not close in any way.

The press spoke with an excited Jason Kreis after the sixth-straight losing effort.

“They’re finally going to let me,” Kreis said.

“Let you what, Jason?” the Orlando press asked patiently.

“They’re going to let me tend to the rabbits! I thought they were mad at me but they’re going to let me go tend to the rabbits now and they said everyone is going to be nice to me and there isn’t going to be any more trouble and no one is going to hurt or steal from anybody. They’ve never been mad at me, that’s something they wanted me to know. Anyway, gotta go, they wanted to meet me at the river. I love looking across rivers don’t you guys?”

3. “What are going to do tonight, Jesse?” “Same thing we do every night Bradley...”

NYRB entered the week leading MLS in possession on the right side of the pitch. Their plan is very simple. Get the ball on the right as quickly as possible. Cross said ball. Score. They’re real good at it.

“Yeah we did a real nice job of getting the ball on the right and crossing it,” NYRB manager Jesse Marsch said. “Sometimes we consider getting it on the left and crossing it but we like to save that for special games. It wasn’t necessary against Seattle. Because they’re awful. Like, really really bad.”

The Sounders have 11 points in 13 games.

4. Well that’s enough soccer for the day. Friday’s for apps? Friday’s for apps? Friday’s for apps?

Colorado opened their match against Chicago as the worst team in the league. Chicago apparently felt bad and went ahead and played with a two-goal handicap.

The Fire then began trying. Colorado’s lead lasted less than ten minutes.

“Yeah, that was just like, a lot,” Aleksander Katai said. “Do you ever just have a bunch of things happen at once and it’s like ‘Ahhhhh! I need to chill!’ you know. We all kind of agreed after the fourth goal to give each other what I call ‘life space.’”

Anyway, Katai is scoring a banger like every week right now. Something to keep an eye on.

5. Danny Boy

San Jose and New England played to a 2-2 draw on Wednesday. The story of the game was some guy named “Danny Hoesen” scoring a brace to place himself tied for fourth in the Golden Boot race.

“I’m just happy to go out and help the team get a point,” Hoesen said as a crowd of people stared at him blankly.


“I just got great service tonight I think. I owe it to my teammates,” Hoesen said.

“...And...and your name is?” a reporter said while looking around the room as the rest of the media nodded

“Danny. Danny Hoesen,” Hoesen said.

“..........And you are.....”

“On the team, yes. Come on y’all we do this every week,” Hoesen said before storming.

“Who the hell was that guy?” A reporter said as the crowd shrugged.

Alpharetta Dad Thought of the Week - Sponsored by twelve consecutive tweets about Tiger Woods’ U.S. Open round

“Gyasi Zardes is better than Josef Martinez. You can’t just take goals into account.”*

*Yes this one is real. Yes I’m still triggered.

Heeeeeeee’s Tryin’!