Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include God’s Team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are definitely made up but it’s way more fun to pretend like they’re real. This will be dumb. But maybe also informative? Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.

1. Rzatkowski’s Symphony

Sporting KC were on track towards a massive 2-1 win in a clash between two of the league’s best teams before someone name Marc Rzatkowski came on TO PLAY THE GREATEST EIGHT MINUTES OF SOCCER OF HIS LIFE.

The two goals were the Red Bull Salzburg loanee’s first tallies in 10 MLS matches with the club.

“Have you ever killed an animal?” a disappointed (??) SKC manager Peter Vermes said postgame as he made no eye contact with the media yet somehow made eye contact with everyone in the media.

“The trick is to not think of it as a life, but as an adversary. If you can defeat your adversary with no trepidation, well, that can feel better than making love to a woman,” he said as he began to creep ever closer to Yohan Croizet who sadly had his back turned and would never see it coming.

2. The Dawn of a Roon-Era

D.C. United opened the brand new Audi Field in stunning fashion with a 3-1 win over Vancouver that culminated in Wayne Rooney’s debut. The night started off with a bang though, thanks to Yamil Asad.

“Tonight’s one of those nights where nothing goes wrong,” D.C. Manager Ben Olsen said while avoiding a falling light fixture. “I’m so proud of the steps this club has taken to make sure [pause to motion someone over to put out a literal fire that had somehow started on a concrete floor] that everything is perfect about this stadium.

“This is the dawn of a new era for D.C. United!” he yelled to an empty room of media members that had evacuated minutes ago after they noticed what was clearly a gas leak.

Olsen smiled to himself. Content, and completely oblivious of the pack of wolves that had successfully commandeered the locker room.

3. Making an IMPACT.

Montreal outlasted San Jose for a 2-0 win as Ignacio Piatti scored his 10th goal of the season in a game that definitely happened.

“It’s good to get a goal for the team. I’m always glad to be involved and I’m happy to take another step forward,” Piatti said as everyone ignored Peter Vermes lurking in the background humming the theme to “Jaws”.

4. Orlando Back!

Orlando picked up their first win in ten games with goals from Chris Schuler (???) and Dom Dwyer.

“I knew it was coming. This team had always had it in them and I’m just so glad to share it with all of you, and thank you for believing in me!” Jason Kreis said to no one while speaking into an empty soup can he was pretending was a microphone as he sat in empty room rocking back in forth while a flickering light hanging in the center of the room swung back and forth.

5. Nope.

LAFC played Portland, Colorado played Houston, and each of them scored the same number of goals as you and me this weekend. That’s it, that’s all I got.

6. NYCF-see you later Columbus Crew SC from Columbus, Ohio, U.S.A.

Despite a plethora of shots from both teams, it took until the 80th minute for either to find a breakthrough. However it finally came, all thanks to Zack Steffen forgetting how soccer works.

NYCFC closed the door ten minutes later for a big win over one of the East’s best teams.

“Can one of you tell Vermes to stop calling me,” NYCFC manager Dominic Toretto said. “Who does he think I am? Lodovico Brunetti?”

7. Boo-England

Despite playing with ten men from the 23rd minute on, New England scored twice and led 2-1 for most of the game. Things only went south for the Revolution after Ashley Cole left the game with a red card of his own in the 85th minute. From there, well……..

“What I love about soccer is how the clock is the clock and you don’t have no shock,” New England Manager Brad Friedel said while everyone sat there feeling to sorry for him to say anything. They knew he was sad when he rhymed. “If it’s 90, it’s 90 because we only play that specific amount of time...dee.” He was most sad when he rhymed badly. “Look, I’m just glad that all soccer games end at exactly 90 minutes. Why is everyone looking at me like that?”

“I’m Ashley Cole,” said Ashley Cole.

8. Darwin Quinter-go

Minnesota beat RSL 3-2 but who cares cause all that matters is lookit what Darwin did!

The media is still waiting patiently for Quintero to arrive to his postgame press conference while Darwin does his typical post-game routine of shooting a flare gun out of a speeding convertible while chugging 180-proof tequila and then not showing up to the postgame press conference.

9. FC Wow-llas

FC Dallas continues to own the best points per game rate in MLS after their 3-1 win over Chicago.

The Hoops outshot Chicago 23-6. Chicago let Kellyn Acosta score in the year of lord, 2018, which means they’re officially relegated.

“Always great to get a win. We’ll have to keep it going against Houston, and then I think our next game is against Sporting KC?” Kellyn Acosta said as Peter Vermes snuck up slowly behind him.