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Best 11: 11 Non-Josef Martinez Things That Happened In Major League Soccer During This Week In MLS

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Help me believe in anything

MLS: Chicago Fire at Toronto FC Nick Turchiaro-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include God’s Team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are definitely made up but it’s way more fun to pretend like they’re real. This will be dumb. But maybe also informative? Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.

1. Round here we talk just like lions

Orlando City scored three times but so did Zlatan in a thrilling 4-3 win for the Galaxy. Orlando has now lost 12 of their last 13 games.

“It’s just not fair! It’s! Not! Fair!” new Orlando City manager James O’Connor said.

“What’s not fair, James?” a member of the press corps patiently asked.

O’Connor grunted and pointed towards the LA locker room.

“Use your words, James.”

“The tall man! They can’t have the tall man!”

“Why not, James?”

“BECAUSE IT’S NOT FAIR!” O’Connor yelled as just to the left of the press scrum, Dom Dwyer was being fitted for stilts.

2. Stumbling through the Barrios

An actual person named Michael Barrios scored his first, second and third goals of the season as FC Dallas picked up a huge road win to extend their lead atop the Western Conference to six and push SKC even further down the table. The early leaders in the West, Sporting have dropped to fifth after winning just once in their last seven games.

“I don’t want to give away my secret,” Barrios said of his surprising night. “But let’s just say it felt like...magic,” he said, winking at a confused locker room attendant with a white beard.

“He dropped something from his bag before the game. I handed it to him and he got really excited. I think...I think he thinks I’m a wizard,” the attendant said as Barrios tried to catch his attention by holding a broom and pantomiming a small game of Quidditch.

“Please make him stop winking at me,” he said as Barrios winked at him.

3. When I think of heaven

Columbus scored three goals in the first 31 minutes and then almost blew a 3-0 lead in a 3-2 win that could have major implications on the Supporters’ Shield race down the stretch. Newly acquired Patrick Mullins took home man of the match honors after a goal and an assist.

“Hilarious. Just hilarious.” NYCFC manager Dom Torreto said after the game on Saturday. “A New York team giving up three goals like that, it just doesn’t happen to good New York teams,” as he laughed and elbowed his surrounding friends.

4.

“Ah, ****.” Torreto said post game.

5. When are you gonna come down?

ALPHONSO DAVIES IS A GOD AMONG MORTALS

HE SCORED TWICE AND PICKED UP TWO ASSISTS IN A 4-2 VANCOUVER WIN

“WE GET SO HYPED UP BY WHAT ALPHONSO DOES THAT WE CAN’T STOP SHOUTING FOR HOURS AFTERWARD,” TEAMMATE KEI KAMARA SAID.

“WE AGREE.” THE ENTIRE PRESS CORPS YELLED BACK AS ONE MEDIA MEMBER LITERALLY DIED FROM EXCITEMENT.

“AWW MAN. LUCKY.” SAID THE PRESS CORPS REALIZING THAT PERSON HAD GONE OUT AT THE PEAK OF THEIR LIFE INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME DEALING WITH NON-ALPHONSO DAVIES THINGS.

6. There’s reason to believe

A suddenly healthy Toronto FC blew past Chicago in a 3-0 win. Jozy Altidore opened the scoring and celebrated by doing the the shoe phone bit from every “comedy” in the 60’s in a move that was either so played out it was ironically funny or too played out to ever be funny again. But he did it. And it’s there. And it’s in our world now and we just have to accept it. I guess.

“I was just answering the call.” Altidore told reporters. “In fact, I’m getting another call now.

“Hello? Look, I told you stop calling this number. No, I don’t care what great deal you’re offering. I will block your nu— no, no, no, I will, I will, I w- I WILL BLOCK YOU,” Altidore said into the shoe before angrily pressing his shoelaces to end the call.

“Telemarketers,” he said as he rolled his eyes. “Oops, sorry getting another call, one second...”

7. Melodies of failure

San Jose and Real Salt Lake played a soccer game where no one scored. There are no quotes available because my god who would wan’t to talk about it.

8. Step out the front door like a ghost

D.C. United picked up another home win and Wayne Rooney scored his first MLS goal while simultaneously proving that gold doesn’t rust but it does spontaneously combust as Tim Howard slowly begins to feel the icy hand of death resting heavier and heavier upon his shoulders.

“I still think I have a lot to offer, and I real— oh, hold on, getting a call,” Howard said taking off his shoe and walking away. “Oh hey Jozy, thought you were telemarketer, what’s going on...”

9. Goodnight Elizabeth

In his final match as a Timber, Fanendo Adi entered as a late sub and pushed in the winning goal in an emotional night at Providence Park as Portland’s unbeaten streak extended to 14 games.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME GO TO CINCINNATI?” Adi pleaded during his press conference before being dragged away by team officials into the back of a white, windowless van. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID WROOOOoooooonnnng......”