Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include God’s Team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are definitely made up but it’s way more fun to pretend like they’re real. This will be dumb. But maybe also informative? Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.

1.

Ilsinho delivered a stunning final blow as Philadelphia upset NYCFC with a 2-0 win that could have huge implications in the Supporters’ Shield race.

Ilsinho was typically apathetic after the match.

“Soccer is great but it’s my day job, you know? It makes money. It puts food on the table. I don’t hate coming to work every morning but it’s not my true passion. Thankfully, I’m privileged to have the ability to do what I love every night,” he said putting on a powdered wig, spectacles and a blue tearaway short coat that had “Ben Spank-lin” bedazzled on the back before leaving hurriedly while muttering something about “call time.”

2.

In what was nearly the second major upset of the weekend, a ten-man Red Bulls side escaped from Vancouver with a point thanks to a brace from Daniel Royer and thanks to Brek Shea forgetting that sometimes you have to do a little more than “just chill bro” to play defense.

“Talk about Royer’s performance tonight,” a press member told new NYRB manager, Chris Armas, after the game.

“Who?” Armas said with a confused look on his face.

“Daniel Royer.”

“I dunno who that is,” Armas said looking up and around the room wearing a smirk.

The reporter sighed.

“.....Talk about Scoresy McScoresinyourface’s performance tonight,” the reporter said using the new press style guide Armas had distributed before the conference.

3.

A resurgent Sounders side took LAG to the woodshed in a 5-0 route in Seattle.

The once basement dwelling team has won a club record six straight and appears to be on a collision course for a stunning playoff appearance that may even include hosting a knockout round game.

Manager Brian Schmetzer attributed the turnaround to a very special source.

“I wasn’t going to share this but I think it’s finally time.” He leaned into the microphone. “A ghost came to me. The ghost of Bill Gates. He’s been helping us. Ya know, like how Doc Brown did in Angels in the Outfield?? THE GHOST OF BILL GATES IS ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELDING US!”

When Schmetzer was informed that Gates was, in fact, alive, he angrily left the locker room in a powdered wig muttering something about “call time.”

4.

Meanwhile, the Eastern Conference’s own turnaround story continued to flourish nicely as D.C. United cruised to a 2-0 win over New England.

“I’m excited to get a win for our district,” Lucho Acosta said picking up a bow and arrow he had in his locker.

“For too long we’ve been held down,” he said putting his hair in an imaginary braid.

“The capital can’t make us play these games any longer!” he said running out of the room whistling and holding three fingers in the air muttering something about “call time.”

5.

San Jose and Toronto tied at one.

6.

Sporting KC handed Portland their third-straight loss and their second-straight three goal loss in a 3-0 win at Children’s Mercy Park.

Johnny Russell went viral after the game for ignoring the basic principles of “Children’s Mercy Park”, showing no remorse for terrorizing a child to the point of tears.

7.

LAFC outlasted Colorado for a 2-0 win.

LAFC manager Bob Bradley spoke to the media for a moment after the game saying, “Two clean sheets in a row is tough to in this league. We’ve had defensive issues this year but I feel like we’re getting better and soon...” he paused as his phone lit up due to a call from someone listed as Ben S.

“Oh god, I missed call time” he said as he sprinted out of the room.