Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include God’s Team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are definitely made up but it’s way more fun to pretend like they’re real. This will be dumb. But maybe also informative? Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.

1.

Seattle continued to climb the table as Portland continued to plummet as the Sounders picked up a 1-0 win at Providence Park thanks to a 76th minute Timbers’ own goal from Julio Cascante.

“Cascadia Cup?!? More like “Cascante Cup!” Cascante said beaming at the press gathered in the locker room as Samuel Armenteros began loading small change into a tube sock. Suddenly Will Bruin burst into the room at a full sprint and breathing heavily.

“CASCADIA CUP??? MORE LIKE...aww...crap...did you...say it......already?”

2.

Elsewhere on the west coast, the third El Traffico concluded with a 1-1 draw between the LA Galaxy and LAFC as the game’s biggest stars, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Carlos Vela, both scored for their respective teams.

“It’s funny that we drew because of the name of the rivalry,” Bob Bradley said smiling. “You know. Because we tied, which is kind of what you do in traffic. Because the rivalry is called El Traffico? It’s like you’re in a car and you can’t go forward or backward you’re just tied. Like we did in the game.

“Sorry for all the jokes. I guess instead of El Traffico it’s more like ‘El Laughico.’”

Suddenly Will Bruin burst into the room at a full sprint and breathing heavily.

“MORE LIKE...” he looked around the room and realized he was far, far too late. “GOD DAMMIT.”

“I’m Ashley Cole,” Ashley Cole said.

3.

In another 1-1 draw, Chicago and Columbus each earned a point. On the same night, Houston and Dallas played to yet another 1-1 draw.

“We’re just happy to get a point,” every member of each of the four teams said in unison on a very crowded press conference stage. “We love being able to play the game of soccer due to it’s individualism and beauty. We love we love we love we love we love script error 451 fixing...fixing..we love the game almost as much as we love Wayne Rooney’s new drink “Roon Juice” the drink of champions Roon Juice has not been FDA approved there may be side effects ignore them and do not ask for help anyone who drinks Roon Juice and asks for help is lying we will now pass out free Roon Juice.”

4.

Real Salt Lake took Colorado to the woodshed in a 6-0 shellacking Saturday night in Colorado. The six-goal route is the largest margin of victory by an MLS team this year.

Colorado manager Roger Edwards spoke to the media afterward.

“Well, I think the time has come to finally bench Tim Howard. He’s just not getting the job donhahahahhahahahhaha nah, man. I’m just playing. He’s going to start forever. He’s Tim Howard! He’s great. Why would we take him out? American legend Tim Howard! On our team! Gahhh, so cool. So cool. Remember, Belgium. Man, he’s awesome.”

The media left the press conference having not realized that Roger Bentley is absolutely not the manager of the Colorado Rapids and may not even be a real person but, to be fair, neither did you.

5.

Philadelphia continued their playoff push with a 1-0 win over New England in the Liberty Bowl.

Suddenly Will Bruin burst into the room at a full sprint and breathing heavily.

“LIBERTY BOWL? MORE LIKE LIBERTY GOAL,” he yelled to a completely empty locker room having arrived six hours before the game started.

6.

Vancouver beat San Jose 3-2.

7.

Kaku scored a brilliant goal and New York Red Bulls took three points a home in a 1-0 win over D.C. United.

“Yeah, that Kaku guy is really good! You just missed him though. I’m Alejandro Gamarra. Happens all the time,” Kaku said now wearing a pair of glass that the media had seen him put on literally five seconds earlier.

“Really handsome too. Sometimes he lets me hang out at his locker. We’re great friends. I’m a little more mild mannered though. Just me. Alejandro,” he said before his glasses fell off and he ran out of the room screaming.

8.

Toronto beat Montreal 3-1 in a clash north of the border.

Suddenly, Will Bruin burst into the room at a full sprint and breathing heavily.

He had escaped. He had turned a corner. A head start had afforded him a couple of steps and time to duck into the first room he could, out of sight of the men in the white coats who were now chasing nothing but a ghost down the hallway. He listened to the hurried contact of black oxford shoes travel away from his hiding spot. The tempo remained the same. The volume dissipated. For now, he was hidden.

“Hidden where, though?” he wondered.

He didn’t even know the building he was in, much less the room. He looked around at...nothing. Will felt swaddled by the darkness. It felt comforting. Yet a permanent uneasiness clung to him. He forgot about it for a moment as he crept into the darkness, his hands outstretched. His hands missed whatever unknown target he had decided to search for but his head found something.

“Dammit,” he muttered as he reached first for his head — a light knot had formed, nothing else — and then reached for his assailant. He found glass. A rounded piece of glass.

“A lightbulb!” he though to himself. The objects retreat and subsequent advance back to him told Will that there was no apparatus holding the bulb. It swung from an invisible ceiling.

He felt around for a switch or string. He smiled to himself remembering the old Scooby Doo cartoons he watched in his living room.

“Just like Velma,” he said quietly.

A piece of yarn brushed across his hand. It took him a moment to find it again but he recovered quickly. He didn’t question whether or not a light would give away his position. Since entering the room Will had singular purpose. Every move he was making was the correct one. He just knew.

He pulled the cord. The filament slowly flickered. Light embraced the corners of the room. Will was surrounded.

Beds. Three beds with chains attached at their foot. Each in a seperate corner of the tiny room.

Will’s mind crawled to the realization that each of the chains was not only attached to the foot of the bed, they were attached to a person. Whoever these people were, it was apparent there would be no escape for them. The restraints on their wrists and ankles surely allowed them to arch their back and nothing else. For now though, Will noted, they were asleep.

Curious and with purpose he moved toward the bed at the nearest corner. He arrived at the bedside as his eyes finally finished their adjustment to the light.

He looked down and saw himself, chained to the bed.

All three Will Bruins sprung awake. They writhed. They screamed.

“MORE LIKE EL LAUGHICO.”

“MORE LIKE LIBERTY GOAL.”

“MORE LIKE CASCANTE CUP.”

The real Will — at least what he knew to be the real Will — backed away. These...things weren’t him. These were monsters. These had to be versions of him created by an all-controlling, sociapathic maniac. They couldn’t be him. He was him. But what if they were too?

He froze.

He felt a warmth. He couldn’t move. He had been found. But despite the breath waving gently back and forth across his neck, he knew, somehow, that whatever had discovered him discovering himselves, lacked humanity. It lacked anything animal. Whatever existed behind him...it was feeding. Not off, Will. Will knew he still had all of his extremities. The being was feeding off something far different than flesh. It was feeding off his fear.

“What...what are you?” Will squeaked out.

The voice whispered into his ear.

“I’m Ashley Cole.”

Nothing existed except the darkness.