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MLS Teams as College Football Teams

Welcome to MLS College Football Saturday?

NCAA Football: Vanderbilt at Tennessee Randy Sartin-USA TODAY Sports

This one feels self explanatory. College football has its first full slate of Saturday games this weekend. To celebrate, I assigned each MLS team their college football counterpart through a highly selective and thoughtful process. As with every list and comparison I make: I’m right and you should be taking all of this super seriously.

NY Red Bulls - Oregon

But like good and fun, score every three minutes Oregon. But now that Jesse Marsch left, it’s also like “right after Chip Kelly was replaced by Mark Helfrich” Oregon.

New England - Oklahoma

The Revs have finished as MLS Cup runner up five times. Call him Big Game Bob (Kraft).

NYCFC - Also Oklahoma but in the CFB Playoff

NYCFC has also lost two semi finals since 2015.

Orlando City - Tennessee

Colorado - Arizona State

Relying on a well-known figure in the sport whose name brand apparently carries a lot more weight than current skill? Tim Howard, meet Herm Edwards. Gold don’t rust.

Toronto - Texas

Last year for Toronto was Texas in 2005. This year is every year after Colt McCoy hurt his shoulder.

Texas being back after every win over an overrated opponent? Toronto being back after a win over Philadelphia? Same thing.

Toronto losing to Orlando is the MLS version of losing to Kansas.

Speaking of...

San Jose- Kansas (If Kansas had won two random national titles back in like 1950.)

The Quakes and Kansas’ last conference win both came against teams from Texas. Because remember that? Remember how Kansas beat Texas two years ago? Kansas? Beat Texas?

FC Dallas - 2012 Notre Dame

This is a current comparison rather than an historic one. FC Dallas is secret trash that through luck and a decent defense has found themselves at the top of the West. Are they going to get destroyed by the first actually good team they meet in the playoffs à la Notre Dame in the National Championship? I don’t know man, MLS is weird. But they did lose to San Jose on Wednesday.

Minnesota United - West Virginia

Uhhh...they’re trying. Their fans sing a song after each game. Look, this article was actually really hard, ok?

D.C. United - Nebraska

Wow! Three championships in four years during the 90’s. I bet absolutely nothing will slow that train down!

Sporting KC - Wisconsin

If Peter Vermes could win every soccer game 1-0 he would. The fact that SKC has been scoring so much AND has a high goal differential this year deeply pains him. It’s like if Wisconsin somehow realized the forward pass is now en vogue and began throwing the ball more than ten times a game. It would feel weird and deeply uncomfortable on a spiritual level.

Both teams also win consistently too. So there’s that.

LA Galaxy - Bama

LAG has the most titles and most title game appearances but to make it a more accurate comparison give them Bama’s success with Miami’s fan base. Likely too big to fail for long but currently experiencing their “Don Shula years.”

LAFC - Auburn

Gus Malzahn would absolutely do the same “buy only attacking midfielders” strategy. Actually, Malzahn should just go ahead and manage a soccer team. All his best players come in by transfer anyway.

Seattle Sounders - LSU

  • Coach hired because he’s from the place the team is located and had a quick burst of (luck-based) improvement so they kept him around rather than based on actual skill?
  • Offense is more like a construct than actual thing?

Houston Dynamo - Texas Tech

Offense. That is a thing we understand. We also understand it to be the only aspect of our sport, please do not tell us otherwise, this is a safe space.

Real Salt Lake - Oklahoma State

Mike Petke meet Mike Gundy.

Vancouver - South Carolina

Vancouver’s entire strategy revolves around being taller than the other team which is exactly how Will Muschamp would build a soccer team if given the chance. Alphonso Davies is the only reason they have any offense which makes him basically Deebo Samuel.

Portland - Texas A&M

Better at doing fan things than the actual sport.

Chicago - TCU

TCU burnt down one time. That’s it. That’s all I have for this one.

Columbus - Ohio State

Location aside, let’s just say both are having front office issues.

Montreal Impact - Idk like Wake Forest or something?

Philadelphia - Arkansas

DOOP is the weird, techno-loving, European cousin of Woo Pig.

Atlanta United - UGA

Both teams burst on the scene last season as powers and both seemed primed to be perennial championship contenders for the foreseeable future despite heartbreaking finishes to their 2017 season. They also hate a team from Florida.

You may be upset that I paired Atlanta United with the home state team but I want to ask you this: Was Tyler Simmons Onside? Are them Five Stripes is hell, don’t they?

Am I a grad student at UGA who wanted to pair his two teams together because he can and it’s his article?

To all of these things, the answer is unequivocally yes.