Best 11: 11 Non-Atlanta United Things That Happened In Major League Soccer During This Week In MLS

Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include God’s Team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are definitely made up but it’s way more fun to pretend like they’re real. This will be dumb. But maybe also informative? Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.

1.

Last-place San Jose roughhoused first-place FC Dallas 3-1 in the Earthquakes’ first non-Minnesota United win in over 300 days (no really.). It was a stunning upset for San Jose, unless, like me, you’ve considered Dallas secret trash for weeks now.

“It’s always tough to go down like that. I thought we played well tonight, but sometimes you just don’t get the result you want,” San Jose manager Micke Stahre said to an extremely confused media gathering after the game as a team communications official came to whisper something in his ear that caused Stahre to laugh for a moment before he said “Wait, no fooling?” The team official nodded. “No fooling, huh?” Stahre said rhetorically before proceeding to stare thoughtfully into the distance for the next hour.

2.

Houston picked up three red cards -- including two in stoppage time from Darwin Ceren and Alberth Elis -- to finish with only eight men in a 1-0 loss to Sporting Kansas City. Diego Rubio scored the lone goal for SKC thanks to an assist from 16-year-old (!) Gianluca Busio

“IF WE’RE GOING OUT WE’RE GOING OUT THE HEAVY METAL WAY. THE ONLY WAY I KNOW THE CEREN WAY. I WILL RUIN EVERY LAST LOSER ON THAT PITCH. I WILL WRECK THEM. THEY’RE ALL GETTING CEREN-ATED NO MATTER WHAT,” Ceren screamed to the 17 followers of his regular post-game video blog. “WHO’S READY TO GET CEREN-ATED. I WILL CEREN-ATE EACH AND LAST EVERY WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DAMARCUS?!?!?

DaMarcus Beasley was quietly laughing in the corner. “It...it just sounds like you’re going to sing to them. It just...it sounds like you’re saying serenade,” he said meekly.

Ceren proceeded to offer Beasley “Ceren-a-tee”, which Beasley stupidly assumed wasn’t Ceren’s way of saying he was going to rat tail Beasley in the stomach with a t-shirt until he cried.

3.

In another upset in the West, a terrible Colorado Rapids team took down a Zlatan-less LA Galaxy 2-1.

Rapids manager Anthony Hudson spoke to the media for a moment after the match before excitedly answering a phone call during the conference.

“Micke! You’re not going to believe what --- yeah...uh-huh...NO WAY YOU TOO?! I guess that fortune telling machine really --” he paused to cover his mouth and begin whispering despite obviously still being mic’d up. “I guess that fortune telling machine at that pier really was magic……yeah I’ve got a few quarters left I’ll see you soon.

Hudson then loudly announced that he was going to go take a bath and definitely would not be going to the pier before sprinting out of the room.

4.

NYCFC outshot Vancouver 22-8 but an 87th minute goal from Erik Hurtado tied things at two as Vancouver stole a point at Yankee Stadium.

“Looks like a really scored a touchdown, huh,” Hurtado said, clearly confused about what sport was also regularly played at Yankee Stadium.

“Just another day on the gridiron, throwing the bomb and running the halfback. Oh, you’re looking for your wide receiver? I’ve got it right here!” he said pantomiming holding a very large telephone to no applause despite his optimism that this would be the bit that would solidify his dream of making it in the Big Apple.

5.

The Portland Timbers tied their franchise record for consecutive games without a loss and continued to rise in the Western Conference ranks with a 3-0 win over Philadelphia.

“It’s good to keep this going. You don’t do what we’re doing without doing something right,” Portland manager Giovanni Savarese said. “We’re playing our game right now and that just means, oh excuse me sorry, I’m getting a call.

“Hahahaha oh my god they’re going back? Ok, yeah yeah, hold on, heading there now. Of course bring the fortune teller costume,” he said before grabbing bag clearly labeled “QUARTERS” and leaving.

6.

Montreal and D.C. played to a 1-1 draw.

7.

New York Red Bulls continued to look like the best team in the league with a 2-1 win over a hot LAFC team. Daniel Royer bagged a brace in the win, including a gift of a tap in courteousy of LAFC keeper Tyler Miller who clearly forgot how to soccer for like five seconds there.

“When...when….when I feel sad I write. I write my feelings,” Miller said to the media and pulling a napkin out of his pocket.

“A poem: From my heart:

ahem

When other teams score

It plays with my psyche

When he kicks the ball

Tyler no likey.” He recited as the surrounding media members literally died from the awful poem, no, like actually, they died, they’re actually dead now, for real dead, just, dead. AF. Dead AF.

8.

Chicago continued their slow death spiral as they fell to Real Salt Lake 2-1. Damir Kreilach (???) scored twice and RSL out possessed the Fire 67-33.

“As god as my witness,” Bastian Schweinsteiger said.

“I thought setting the ball on fire each practice would motivate us,” he said as Aleksander Katai started at him and angrily rebandaged his extremely burnt feet.

“IT’S IN THE ****ING NAME ALEK,” Schweinsteiger yelled.

9.

Scott Sutter (?????) scored in the third minute of stoppage time for the Lions to cap a wild 3-3 draw between Orlando City and New England that saw Orlando City overcome a 2-0 deficit after 18 minutes.

“I hate that I’ll miss the next game after the red card I got tonight but I’m glad we got a result,” Yoshi Yotun said. “I’ll take the week to refocus and come back better the next -- NO. JAMES, NO. STOP IT,” Yotun said as Orlando manager James O’Connor, wearing red overalls a red hat and a fake mustache, attempted to jump on Yotun’s back.

“I am getting so sick of him thinking I’m actually...oh, God he’s crying again hold on,” Yotun said.

10.

Seattle piled on 23 shots but needed two stoppage time goals to stun Minnesota United 2-1.

“It’s frustrating. Honestly. I really thought we could get a result tonight,” Minnesota United manager Adrian Heath said. “I just...hold on I’m getting a call.

“...NO, THE FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE DIDN’T WORK.”