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Jeff Larentowicz vs. the World (Part II): Part One

We got the band back together. We’re playing jazz fusion now though.

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A long long time ago, we went on a journey. A journey of self-discovery. A journey of life. A journey of Larentowicz.

We decided to create the ultimate soccer team. A team full of Larentowiczes.

We got fired before the season ended.

But that was FIFA. And that was soccer. And that was then.

Today is the start of a new era. Or an older era I guess depending on how you look at it. In a few ways this is a prequel. WE’RE GOING BACK TO COLLEGE.

Through the magic of NCAA Football 2012, we’re going to take our team of Larentowicezes and put them in the transfer portal. The good news is, they’re all going to go to the same school. The better news? They’re all going to be 18-years-old again. The BEST news? The 20 Larentowiczes of FIFA are going to find out the team is already populated with 24 other Larentowiczes already.

Now, as much as SOCCER GUYS like intangibles, FOOTBALL GUYS *love* intangibles. Tim Tebow made an entire career out of grit and determination and gym-ratting and being WASPy. There are Football Guys out there today who would take Tebow right now over Patrick Mahomes and Jared Goff despite Tim Tebow throwing a football the same way a small child attempts to throw a Nerf football over the roof of their house, and Patrick Mahomes and Jared Goff actually being good at football. And it’s not because Mahomes or Goff lack intangibles. It’s that Tebow has the *most* intangibles. And intangibles win football games. Not “completed passes” or “scoring points.”

All this to say that this team of Larentowiczes will absolutely 100% win four-straight national titles and the College Football Hall of Fame will be renamed in their honor since 44 Jeff Larentowiczes are going to be inducted anyway.

So, here are our parameters:

Like I said, we’re using NCAA 12 on Xbox 360 for this. Why? Because it’s what I have and NCAA 14 is too expensive. Much like how we used FIFA 14 for our original team of Jeff’s, it just feels right to not do this on some fancy, Rockefeller ass console.

Since the create a team feature for NCAA is dead, we’re going to have to put Jeff on an already existing team. Since Brown (his alma mater) isn’t in the game, our Jeffs have been admitted to Temple University. Temple is in Jeff’s hometown of Philadelphia and, as an added bonus, is in the MAC on this game because it’s technically 2011. This is perfect because, as we’ve discussed before on this site, the MAC is the most MLS of all the college football conferences. Sure it’s not the best, but there’s a lot of parody and any time you turn a game on, some real dumb stuff is going to happen.

A MAC team has never won a national championship. We’ll see if the Jeffs can change that.

They’ll have four years to do it. We’re going to make each Jeff a freshman. To ensure that no one besides a Jeff gets into the game, we’re going to automatically redshirt anyone on the roster that’s not in the Jeff-deep I mean two-deep. Redshirting keeps a player from playing and the computer can’t bypass it.

On top of all that, to make sure we’re true to form from a tactical perspective, the Fightin’ Jeffs will (obviously) be running a triple-option offense for the entirety of their tenure at Temple. The forward pass is an abomination and will only be used sparingly. It also makes a lot of sense considering that our offensive line will be...diminutive. We’ll get to it. Anyway, this team will be all about ball control and solid defense. The perfect Fightin’ Larentowicz game is a 3-0 win with the team having the ball for 55 of the 60 minutes of game time.

I can’t change this in the game, but the fight song for the Fightin’ Larentowiczes will be the Temple marching band playing YYZ by Rush in its entirety after every score.

Now that our rules are set, let’s talk about the man himself.

First Name: Jeff

Last Name: Larentowicz

Handedness: Right. I think.

Year: Freshman

Height: 6’ 1”

Weight: 175

So let’s stop for a second to mention Jeff’s size. In soccer terms, 6’ 1”, 175 is a pretty big dude. In football terms, he’s about the median for a cornerback. He is playing all the positions. Not just cornerback. That means that at 175 lbs he will have to block 300 lb. monsters trying to shut down a very, very run-heavy offense. This is Desmond Trufant trying to block Grady Jarret. This….should go great honestly. Intangibles are big for blocking, you have to have grit to block.

Now, for Jeff’s ratings in the game, we’ll be going back in time and looking at Jeff’s ratings on the earliest edition of FIFA to carry his likeness, FIFA 06. This version of Jeff is 22 years old, so technically this is his senior year stats, but we’ll make due as we transfer them over to NCAA. The rest we’ll make up. Because we can.

A major thing to note here is that Jeff’s FIFA ratings are in comparison to world class soccer players and not college football players. So if his acceleration is 55 on FIFA 06, then that’s in comparison to Ronaldinho. It’s also important to note that Jeff is a total unknown at this point so he’s completely trash in this one. Essentially what this means is that we looked at his FIFA 06 ratings and what initially seemed like a clever and good idea is actaully a bad idea and we’re actually going to ignore his FIFA 06 ratings and we’re going to decide what his ratings are on our own and there’s nothing you can do about it. Here’s a picture of Jeff from FIFA 10.

Speed: 68

Not too flashy, not too...good. But look none of Jeff’s game is predicated on blazing speed. Speed is an overrated aspect of football anyway…

Strength: 66

Pretty standard for his size in these games. Most cornerbacks hover around 60-65. Fortunately for this experiment, Jeff is retaining his added Dad strength.

Agility: 60

Uh...uh oh.

Acceleration: 72

I’ve seen Jeff take off a few times to save a play. This rating being a little higher than the others makes sense. Trust me. Don’t question it.

Awareness: 99

No one actually knows what this rating does in this game. That makes it an intangible. Jeff is aware as all hell. This is the great equalizer.

Break Tackle: 95

Breaking tackles is all about will power and desire and only remotely related to “strength” and “power.”

Trucking: 95

Jeff believes in the trucking industry being aided by a laissez-faire economic system and you should too.

Elusiveness: 60

Champions don’t run from challenges. They face their problems head-on. That includes linebackers.

Ball carrier vision: 99

Can you touch vision? No. That makes it an intangible. Jeff is slowly turning into Emmitt Smith.

Stiff arm: 95

Spin move: 25

No reason to show up the other team. No reason to spin.

Juke move: 25

Break through barriers, not around them.

Carrying: 99

Like Jeff would even consider fumbling.

Catching: 80

If you put it too high, they start doing like one handed catches and diving and stuff and like....come on, don’t need any of that. Not like they’ll really be passing much anyway.

Spectacular catch: 0

Catch in traffic: 90

Catching the ball in traffic is all about positioning and being in the right place at the right time.

Route running: 99

Future Patriot, Jeff Larentowicz.

Jumping: 77

Throw Power: 65

Throw Accuracy: 95

Don’t want to go deep, gotta keep possession. Other team can’t score if they don’t have the ball.

Tackle: 80

Obviously not the same as in soccer but gotta think some of the technique translates. And like Jeff wouldn’t wrap up.

Hit power: 90

Power moves: 90

Finesse moves: 25

Block shedding: 75

Pursuit: 95

Jeff went to Brown. He’s going to find the optimal route to the ball.

Play Recognition: 99

Brown is an Ivy.

Man Coverage: 95

Zone Coverage: 95

You already knew. We see it every game.

Press: 90

Pressing you say?

Release: 75

I don’t know what this is.

Pass block: 85

Run block: 85

I’m assuming a lot of this is about technique and not strength or being 175 lbs.

Run block footwork: 95

Pass block footwork: 95

Elite technique.

Kick Power: 99

Kick Accuracy: 99

Stamina: 95

Injury: 99

You don’t play professionally deep into your 30’s by being out of shape or getting hurt.

(we’ll also need this because substitutions will be pretty limited.)

And that’s our man. Or men. We’ll see what kind of roster this leaves us with tomorrow in Part II of Jeff Larentowicz vs. the World (Part II).

Then...we’ll be on our way to MAC glory. Don’t let your dreams be dreams.

Annnnyyyyway, donate to Fugees Family here: