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A Contentmas ROUNDTABLE: What’s the best video game cheat of all-time?

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The DSS staff ponders a deeply relevant to soccer question

A Japanese edition of the Nintendo 64 clear blue version (M Photo Illustration by Guillaume Payen/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

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In case you didn’t know Atlanta United hired a eSports gamer to game in the MLS eSports league because it was tired of losing to MarschKljestanMcCartyFelipe4lyfe in whatever MLS calls its FIFA league.

Apparently Paulo Neto is a human cheat code in video games and if there’s one thing we know about sports, “if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’” as Joe Montana said probably. This led to a deep discussion about the best way to cheat at video games here at DSS World Headquarters. Since it’s the offseason and everything is content, this is the result of that conversation:

R-O-U-N-D-T-A-B-L-E

Parker

My time of playing video games is over. This is sad but maybe not, I did play Football Manager for a few months but if I can’t get St. Pauli promoted after I buy a great player like Julian Gressel (his fee was $2 million in the game, in short PAY HIM) then I probably don’t have a future in the game... especially because I can’t figure out how to get my computer to work with my GameGenie.

Alas, my memories are somewhat fuzzy but the best way to cheat at video games is to play Madden 94 on Sega Genesis and pick a team with Emmitt Smith, Thurman Thomas, Barry Sanders, or one of the old school teams with Walter Payton or something and then every play run a handoff in the shotgun. Have the player run backwards as far as possible, the entire defense will follow but with 99 speed or whatever they’d just run past everyone and probably score a touchdown.

Next is to memorize all of the regeneration points in Goldeneye for N64. That way in multi-player when your friends get killed, just run to that spot and kill them - it’s the only way to effectively neutralize the person who picked Oddjob.

This isn’t cheating, but it’s awesome if you can do it. Get extremely good at Street Fighter for SNES then challenge someone who is not good at it to a game and toy with their emotions. In the first round win at the last second, in the next one let your opponent win at the last second. Now they’re right where you want them - with hope, perhaps even joy at the fact that they’ve had two even rounds and number three is for all the marbles in a fair fight that anyone can win on any given Sunday. Then beat them in 5 seconds and watch as they realize that they never had a chance and that you were just doing emotional abuse on them the whole time. This is the kind of thing that made T.S. Elliot call friendship the greatest and purest of the four loves.

JSam

The only answer is Ken Griffey Jr. on Backyard Baseball. But “oh Sam that’s not a cheat code, you’re illiterate, I hope you die” you’re thinking. Well you’re a jerk. Be nicer. And let me explain.

What the people at Humongous Entertainment, the beloved makers of the Backyard franchise, DO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW, is that playing Kenny out of position is the secret to the entire. damn. game.

Where does the BIG VIDEO GAME deep state not want you to play a Hall-of-Fame center fielder? That’s right. They don’t want you to know that not only is he an All-Star caliber hitter, he’s also the best pitcher on the game. Eight-year-old me figured this out, why didn’t you?

Anything on the outer half of the plate is a surefire homerun for Grif at the plate. On the mound, he’s Backyard Mariano Rivera. He doesn’t need a fancy arsenal to get batters out. He needs one pitch. What pitch? The left hook. He can place it anywhere. ANYWHERE. With pinpoint accuracy. The damn thing breaks five yards outside the box before swinging back over the plate. You know what that means? It means that not only are you blasting three home runs each game out of Eckman Acres, you’re throwing a got dang no-hitter too. On top of that, you’ve realized there’s no need to waste time picking a pitcher like Angela Delvechio, who is annoying and couldn’t hit the ball if we gave her a tennis racket. No, you have galaxy brained your way into Mike Trout as a pitcher AND you’ve cleared a spot in your outfield. What does that mean. IT MEANS PETE FREAKING WHEELER IN CENTER. SAMMY DAMN SOSA IN RIGHT. AND PABLO THE FRANCHISE SANCHEZ IN LEFT. YOU ARE A BACKYARD BASEBALL DEITY. A JUGGERNAUT. THE REST OF YOU HAVE ALL WASTED YOUR LIFE. ALL OF IT. IT’S ALL POINTLESS BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU ABSOLUTE PLEBIANS. YOU HAVE BEEN LIED TO BY BIG VIDEO GAME AND YOU HAVE BOUGHT IT LIKE AN IDIOT. LIKE AN ANNOYING ANGELA DELVECHIO LOOKING IDIOT.*

*copied with permission from Sam’s LinkedIn

Joe

What I’m hearing so far is a lot of clever gameplay and not a whole lot of cheating. C’mon y’all, if you didn’t have to go to cheatcodes.com, does it even count?

This game was awesome, and I’m not even a huge Star Wars guy. But my favorite part about this game was the cheats. It’s like the programmers made it specifically so that you could turn it into something completely different than just fulfilling the missions. Legitimately brilliant. But the other thing I loved was the way you had to cheat — stretching your fingers to the maximum distance in order to hold a series of buttons and execute a command through the controller. Here’s how you enter “Debug Mode” which allowed you to fly around with unlimited jetpack fuel, ELIMINATE GRAVITY, and other things (Courtesy: cheatcodes.com):

Enter “_Wampa__Stompa” as your player’s name, where “_” is a space. Begin playing the game on any level, then pause the game. HOLD down ALL of the following buttons: all C buttons, Z, L, R, and the CONTROL PAD left, not the joystick. While holding all of these buttons, push the joystick halfway to the right, waiting until you hear a donk sound. Repeat again except now to the left until you hear a donk. Now do it again to the right and then the left. Pink text should appear above the options box. Use L and R to change options. Some options require pushing up or down on the joystick. Press A to activate the cheat. (YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHEAT ON!) To get the menu back up, just hold all of the buttons down, (LOOK ABOVE) and move the joystick left or right. (NOTE:SOME CHEATS MIGHT REQUIRE YOU TO ACTIVATE THEM MORE THAN ONCE)!

That is a cheat.

Tiotal Football

Pete Sampras was extremely over-powered if you were playing a quick doubles match with your bros in the 2003 xbox classic Topspin Tennis - which is kinda weird since Sampras had a career losing record in doubles and never won a doubles Major. Kids, Pete Sampras was really good at tennis as his 14 Major single titles suggest. He was really good at serving and really good at volleying, which you would know if you grew up in the golden serve and volley era of Wimbledon in the 90’s. Topspin gave him elite serving and volleying skills and hilariously bad speed which was supposed to balance him and made sense because he was pretty old at this point and very very RETIRED when the game was released. Dude didn’t even play professional sports anymore. But that didn’t matter because you don’t have to run in doubles and you were a monster at the net and your friends kept telling you you were cheating and you kept telling them listen he’s really slow just like in real life - this is fine stop complaining he’s a real player and then you would slam a volley away into the corner on match point and high five your cautious roommate who was playing as Lleyton Hewitt and ask the losing team to bow down to the one true god of video games and tell them they had to order Wingzone now and does anyone have any money to pay for it?

Rob

I’m just here for the old fogies in the comments telling us to get off their lawn.

Also, anything Grand Theft Auto related is the answer. Whether it was the immediately raising your wanted level to 5 stars and getting chased by the entire police department around an army base or telling everyone in the city to become hostile and creating a virtual Purge. There was endless fun in needless anarchy being created, dying and then walking out of the hospital like nothing happened.


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