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Contentmas Day 6: A live look at Julian Gressel’s Contract Negotiations

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Yesterday, our own Tiotal Football wrote eloquently about the nature of Julian Gressel’s contract negotiations. This is not that. THIS is a transcript of the negotiations that we’ve obtained by making everything up. Let’s look in shall we.

ATLANTA UNITED BOARD ROOM - CHILDREN’S HEALTHCARE OF ATLANTA TRAINING GROUND - MARIETTA, GEORGIA

[Atlanta United’s designated mediator sits on one side of the table. Gressel and his agent stand in front of a screen quietly muttering about how to get the slideshow into “Presentation Mode.” It does not work until they accidentally hit a button sends it to presentation mode. It is literally the first time a slideshow has worked properly. With the presentation ready, Gressel and his agent stare directly at the mediator.]

Mediator: Umm...whenever y’all are ready, guys.

[They continue to stare.]

Mediator: ........whenever your ready.

[Gressel hits the spacebar. Vigorously.]

SLIDE ONE:

Gressel: Lookit.

Mediator: Right yes, we—

[Spacebar]

SLIDE TWO:

Gressel: Lookit.

Mediator: Ok yes all of those players make a bit more but Abubakar has really had a soli—

[Spacebar.]

Gressel: Look. It.

SLIDE THREE:

Mediator: ......

Gressel: ...

Mediator: Adnan did a lot for Vancouver in his 12 appearance—

[Space. Bar.]

SLIDE FOUR:

Gressel: lookit.

Mediator: Jozy, Osvaldo, these are big time players.

[spacebar.]

SLIDE FIVE:

[Gressel and agent stare at the mediator]

Mediator: Ok well, Jordan Allen, he...that’s one of those players that...Jordan Allen contributes a lot to that team.....that he plays for...

[SPACEBAR AF]

SLIDE SIX:

Gressel: LOOK. IT.

Mediator: ...

Gressel: ...

Mediator: ...

Gressel: ...

Mediator: We’re stil in the “A’s” huh?

[sPaCe bar.]

SLIDE SEVEN:

[Gressel and agent now lean in as close as possible to the mediator. They whisper.]

Gressel and agent: lookit.

Mediator: ................LOOK MAN. THEY JUST PAY ME TO MEDIATE THINGS. I DON’T SIGN THE CHECKS.

[Mediator grabs Gressel’s shirt by the collar. Gressel does not flinch. He simply looks into the mediators soul.]

Mediator: IT’S NOT MY FAULT. THIS ISN’T MY FAULT. I’M JUST DOING MY JOB, MAN.

[Gressel calmly and quietly taps the spacebar]

Slide eight:

Mediator: ...

Gressel: ...

Mediator: This....this is a real person?

[Gressel nods]

Mediator: And they play in MLS?

[Gressel nods]

Mediator: ...Well...surely they’ve been a huge contributor. I bet they made like 30 appearances for their tea—

[Gressel shakes head no]

Mediator: Twent...Twenty-five?

[Gressel shakes head no]

Mediator: Fif........fifteen?

[the spacebar is tapped gently. it sounds like a nuclear blast]

slide nine:

[The mediator runs screaming out of the room]

[Outside the room, two team representatives watch the mediator exit the building]

Person one: Another one, huh?

Person two: Yup.

Person one: How many slides did they make it?

Person two: Nine.

Person one: Oh, hey, getting better.

[Person two sighs and turns to a waiting room full of well dressed men and women sitting nervously]

Person two: NEXT.

Fin.


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