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Best 11: 11 Non-Atlanta United Things That Happened In Major League Soccer During This Week In MLS

These are so stupid. I feel dumber after writing them. If you ever try to take this article from me I will hobble you.

MLS: Minnesota United FC at San Jose Earthquakes Stan Szeto-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include America’s favorite team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are possibly made up but it’s up to you to decide. This will be dumb. The author may be the only one who laughs at any of this and reserves the right to mail it in which he definitely did this time sorry. But it may also be informative? Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.

3. Houston Dynamo - 2, Montreal Impact - 1

Mauro Manotas has scored in five straight matches for Houston and this almost definitely most important of the five. Probably. Who really knows and/or keeps up with Houston Dynamo soccer? This goal came in the 86th minute and gave Houston a late lead lead over the Montreal Impact. Houston now has three more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

“50?” Manotas said post-game. “Isn’t that the......NEW CAR MILESTONE?!?”

Those in the room immediately began looking under their chairs. They found a note.

“There is no car you sheep. Once more you’ve been...MaNOTEas-ed.”

By the time they finished reading the note Manotas had disappeared. Long gone to the nearest paper goods store. His reign of terror had just begun.

9. LAFC - 4, Portland - 1

Three assists and a goal from Carlos Vela sent LAFC cruising past last year’s Western Conference champions in style. LAFC now has five more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

Bob Bradley looked into the mirror. “It’s going down,” he whispered to himself as he put on a blonde wig. “I’m yelling...Timbers,” he said as he gently placed glitter on his eyes. His work tonight was just beginning.

1. Chicago Fire - 1, Orlando City - 1

Down a man, hahah the Chicahahahahhago Fire scored a laHAHAHHAHAHAH ok sorry, sorry.

Down a man, the Chicago Fire’s C.J. Sapong scored a 95th minute equalizer to keep Orlando City from their first win of the season. Orlando City now has one more point than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

As always, Orlando City coach James O’Connor spoke to the press after the game through his “translator”, an anthropomorphic alpaca puppet inaccurately named James O’Llama.

Meanwhile, Jason Kreis watched the press conference in his Orlando apartment, furious that O’Connor had not only stolen his bit of finding spectacular ways to drop points, but was now using a translator. In his anger, Kreis threw a mosquito puppet inaccurately named Jason Lice out the window. A sad end to a longtime friendship.

7. Seattle - 2, Colorado - 0

The Sounders scored twice in the first eight minutes and then had to do pretty much nothing but not score on themselves the rest of the ways as they easily took down one of the worst teams in the league good job. Seattle now has five more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

A jubilant Brian Schmetzer spoke after the game.

“It’s the perfect Sounders match. Score quickly, defend solidly. It’s exactly how we draw things up and after a slow start last year, it’s nice to get out on the fron—-”

His hand had met an object under the table. It felt like...paper. Schmetzer froze.

“God......God no. Not like this. Not...not like this. Not again...”

Schemtzer sprinted from the room. On the table laid a note.

2. FC Dallas - 2, LA Galaxy - 0

The Zlatan-less Zlatan’s had a day without Zlatan who did not play in a 2-0 loss to a similarly Zlatan-less team.

Bryan Acosta, who is not Zlatan, did this:

Dallas now has three more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

Acosta cowered in the corner after the game. “They’re coming for me,” he said shivering. After a lingering silence, a media member cautiously asked who Acosta was referring.

“ ghosts”


“ GHOSTS OF UNION GENERAL GEORGE MCCLELLAN BECAUSE HE’S GONNA WANT TO ADD ANOTHER CANNON TO HIS ARTILLERY,” Acosta exclaimed, pointing to his leg while Reto Ziegler sheepishly apologized for accidentally leaving a Ken Burns documentary queued on their shared Netflix account.

4. Columbus Crew - 2, New England - 0

A pair of goals from Gyasi Zardes pushed the Crew past New England. Columbus now has three more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

Zardes floated around the locker room after the game with a smile on his face.

“I told y’all last year wasn’t a fluke! I told every one!”

Caleb Porter laughed. He faced the rest of the team. “I hope all of you are taking notes from Gyasi.”

The room came to a standstill. Any activity had been cut short with a blade sharper than Porter could ever realize.

Justin Meram split the silence.

“Taking...taking what?”

Porter saw that something had changed. He looked in his teams eyes and saw only fear.

6. Minnesota United - 3, San Jose - 0

After winning just one road game all last year, Minnesota pushed three past the Quakes for the second road win in as many games. Minnesota now has five more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

Adrian Heath addressed the media after the game saying,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, D-Generation MLS proudly brings to you one half of its Tag Team Champions of the world. The Road Dogg ADDRRIIANNN HEATH.”

Heath then pile drived an unassuming reporter from the Minneapolis Star Tribune through the press conference table as the crowd went wild.

5. NYCFC - 0, DC United - 0

NYCFC and D.C. United played to a 0-0 draw. NYCFC now has one more point than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United. D.C. United now has three more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

8. Sporting KC - 2, Philadelphia - 0

An Ilie Sanchez penalty conversion and a Tim Melia penalty save were all SKC needed to stay out in front of Philadelphia. SKC now has two more points than last year’s MLS Champions, Atlanta United.

Melia and Sanchez sprinted out of the locker room after the game. They moved with purpose. A Kansas City Star chased after, feverishly asking where they were going so quickly.

The pair paused for moment. They nodded at each other. Melia stepped forward.

“Sometimes you’re put on the spot. Sometimes you’re called to step up and make something happen. Sometimes those moments can change the world. When that happens, there’s one you thing you can’t do.”

“What...what’s that?”

“You can’t stay........stationary.”

They left the reporter behind, heading towards glory the world would never know of. Could never know of. While the costs would be great, the public would pay little note. But, god willing, they would be safe.