Welcome to Best 11, your weekly recap of the MLS slate that didn’t include America’s favorite team, Atlanta United. All quotes hereto are possibly made up but it’s up to you to decide. This will be dumb. The author may be the only one who laughs at any of this. But it may also be informative? For some reason these got kind of dark this week? Like dang. I dunno y’all I might be in a bad place? Whatever, here are the funny jokes from the blog boi open wide for some art. Like most things on this site, you’ll likely end up saying just like one commenter did so long ago: This was a waste of time. Nothing here folks.
1. Seattle - 4, Chicago - 2
In front of approximately 27 people, Seattle continued to defy the odds by actually being good at the beginning of the season rather than wait around like, July 28th, to get their stuff together. The Sounders put two past Chicago keeper David Ousted in the first 15 minutes and controlled the game the rest of the way.
After a one goal, one assist game, Jordan Morris spoke to the media for the first time since his ACL tear last February. Now seemed as good a time as any for Morris to break out the material he had crafted during his long stint away.
“David Ousted?” Morris ‘quipped’. “His father was David Ousted, there’s no reason to be so formal in the second person singular, call him, David Vos.”
A current media member and former Spanish major, laughed. Everyone hated that media member.
“Oh hey good crowd, good crowd. Guess I’ll go one more. David Ousted? His father was David Ousted, there’s no reason to be so formal in the second person singular, call him, David Tú.”
The media member laughed uncontrollably as his colleagues rushed to remove him from the room. It was far far too late.
“Oh hey good crowd, good crowd. Guess I’ll go one more. David Ousted? His father was David Ousted, and both Davids are here making it plural and one or both are either from Spain and should be addressed formally or is from Latin America and has no preference of formality so call them “David Oustedes.”
Everyone in the room literally died.
2. Columbus - 1, F.C. Dallas - 0
Once again, center back Gaston Sauro propelled Caleb Porter’s side to a win with a headed goal from a corner. It’s the second go-ahead goal in three games for Sauro, whose Crew side has now grabbed seven points from their first three games because no one flies like Gaston, no one skies like Gaston, no one heads the ball over five guys like Gaston.
After being congratulated by the Columbus broadcasting crew for scoring yet again, Sauro wryly replied, “Thanks, I’m used to it,” and said that he was, “Going for the Golden Boot.”
Off-camera. multiple people held back a lone SBNation blogger attempting to get at Sauro as the blogger screamed something about a personal vendetta against any and all who make him reuse jokes. The blogger was then tased as the crowd went wild.
3. Cincinnati - 3, Portland - 0
In front of a sold out crowd, the Stabby Lions didn’t disappoint in their first ever MLS home match. Kendall Waston, Allan Cruz and Matthieu Deplagne — in addition to somehow not being names I just made up — each scored on the day. While Waston got the first, Cruz’s will be shown in highlight reels for years to come because whooooo boy this is a banger.
The crowd, elated for the entirety of the pre-match buildup and ecstatic during the game, had their spirits dampened upon realization that the game had ended, and their inevitable return back to life in Cincinnati had begun.
A small boy stood in front of the local news cameras after the game, malnourished, faded, his eyes dim.
“You...you just can’t backheel hope into your life, ya know?”
The adults nodded grimly. The smell of skyline chili permeated the air.
4. D.C. United - 5, RSL - 0
Well dang. D.C. went off like representation in congress was on the line.
Wayne Rooney scored his first career MLS hat trick in the win.
“I’m so excited to finally see it,” Rooney said to a perplexed group of media members after the game.
“They said if I scored three goals I would get to see it. A real salt lake. You would think salt water would just be in the ocean, ya know?” Rooney explained as Ben Olson stood behind him and pantomimed revoking press credentials for life.
5. Colorado - 1, SKC - 1
Colorado scored one goal and SKC scored one goal.
6. Montreal - 3, Orlando - 1
Hahahhahahahahhahahahahahaha Montreal! Three goals! To one goal! Montreal.
Nacho Piatti scored a brace in the win and Orlando got dunked on in two languages.
80' ET UN. ET DEUX. ET TROIS-ZÉRO. NACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO— Impact de Montréal (@impactmontreal) March 16, 2019
GAME SET MATCH PIATTIIIIIIIIIIII
0-3#IMFC #ORLvMTL #AllezMTL pic.twitter.com/WLwoZrNBHC
James O’Connor était assis à la fenêtre. La pluie est tombée sur la plus belle ville du Canada. Le ciel punit le sol pour des raisons que nous ne comprendrons jamais à notre époque sur Terre. Le monde, normalement teinté de pourpre, se sentait recouvert de gris.
O’Connor était assis sur une chaise. Il jeta un coup d’œil au livre sur la table adjacente. La prose utilisait beaucoup trop souvent ces derniers jours comme un tampon entre son café du matin et la surface de bois franc que pour son épanouissement personnel. Si seulement les mots n’étaient pas si grands, longs et difficiles parce que James essayait vraiment, mais il était difficile de trouver le ton parfois, mais il ne s’énervait pas parce qu’au moins il essayait.
Il pensa à la nature de la vie. D’amour. De la synchronicité avec tout ce qui est vivant dans le passé, le présent et le futur. Il se demandait comment, s’il commençait à courir, il pourrait définitivement remplacer l’entraîneur de football le plus éloigné du monde, à moins de tricher ce qu’ils semblaient faire beaucoup car ils ne semblaient jamais laisser James gagner.
Il jeta un coup d’oeil à l’horloge.
”Oh merde”, pensa-t-il. “J’ai oublié d’aller au match de football.”
10. NYCFC - 2, LAFC - 2
The weekend’s most high profile match-up didn’t disappoint. Carlos Vela scored twice but Alexandru Mitrita scored his first MLS goal and Alex Ring did a goal too to keep the match even at full time. Vela’s second came the latest of the four goals.
Bob Bradley looked in the mirror. His sequined Uncle Sam hat glistening in the fluorescent light of the Yankee Stadium bathroom.
“I’m a Yankee Doodle...” He adjusted the loose fitting american flag he had strategically wrapped around himself to reveal only the parts of his body he wanted. “...Candy.” His work that night was just beginning.
9. Red Bulls - 4, San Jose - 1
NYRB scored all four of their goals in the second half in an early season win over San Jose. One step closer to lugging around a big shiny plate that represents empty gestures for yet another year.
After the game, Brian from Staten Island completed his post-match routine of trying to explain to his girlfriend of 12 years why the Supporters’ Shield means like way more than MLS Cup if you really think about it and pretending he enjoyed living in a city where people have to act like Derek Jeter was good at shortstop.