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Clear & Obvious: We found Mike Petke at this Michaels

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He was just like, there. At this Michaels

“Clear & Obvious” is a new kind of sort of vertical/brand/excuse for us to make fun of the deeply strange and wonderful world of MLS. Please take it very seriously.


We found Mike Petke. He was just at this Michaels. Got a new job quick which is hard to do in the gig economy and whatnot. Let’s see how it’s goi--OH GOD.

“PASS THEM OUT TREY.”

“Man, my name is Brandon?”

“!@#$ !#$@$@ !@# !@#$@ TREY.”

Brandon passed them out. Them being posterboards Mike had chosen for this crafts workshop at this Michaels.

“Thanks, Trey, for not being such a *@!#!@ !@#(^$$% about it.”

The class sat in the Michaels, wide-eyed and staring straight ahead.

“Alright so today, we’re going to be making signs that VIRGINIA I SWEAR TO !@#$#@$ THAT I WILL @!@#!$% @!@#$ IF YOU SPILL THAT COFFEE ON YOUR POSTERBOARD.”

Virginia, a retired baker who had taken the class to make friends and to stay active despite her arthritis, slowly removed her hand from her drink she had brought into this Michaels.

“Like I was saying before that *^(& !%^& Virginia tried to ruin my life, today we’re going to be making signs. Now when I make signs I like to put some glitter on it, some homophobic slurs, some fun stencils, and some gel pens to really make the writing stand out on it.”

More silence. Virginia, a volunteer at the soup kitchen in her spare time, cautiously raised her hand inside the classroom at this Michales.

“Yes, the !^#$(%# (!!@$*(!@$ (!$!# in the front row.”

“Did you say...homophobic slurs?”

“Ohmygod Virginia, I’m up here trying to speak my truth and you’re trying ruin my entire gosh damn life right now. Could you not Virginia? Could you not ruin my entire life for like THREE !*@#!@# SECONDS VIRGINIA?? NOD YOUR HEAD IF YOU CAN NOT RUIN MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THREE WHOLE SECONDS.”

Virginia, a subscriber to Home & Garden, frantically nodded in this Michaels.

“Now, what we’ll do first is take our gel pen and just write whatever your heart desires. Make it big enough so that if you wanted to show it to someone like, i dunno, a referee who was being a dumb !@#$! !#@$!@# !@#$ could see it from a reasonable distance as they walked through a tunnel off a soccer field and back to their worthless life. I’ll start.”

Petke craftily began writing out a large word on the sign with the tasteful arts and crafts sensibility of a person who had been working at this Michaels far longer. A mix of color and style and glitter that really would stand out in a crowd.

“What’s a ‘putt-o’?” Virginia, a regular watcher of the Great British Baking Show, asked innocently in this Michaels.

“[REDACTED STRING OF PROFANITY SO HORRIBLE WE CAN’T EVEN DO REPLACEMENT SYMBOLS]”

The entire class quickly began to pack up their things and leave the Michaels. Kyle Beckerman, only halfway through his friendship anklet, leaned over to the person nearest to him in this Michaels.

“You know he’s really not a bad guy once you get to know him,” Beckerman said as Mike began to set the Michaels on fire.