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Clear & Obvious: Every Day Should Be Soccerday: MLS as CFB

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SLACKBOT ANIMATE ME MARCUS HALL

It’s that time of year. A time to bark at children and pair MLS teams with their college football counterparts. Week zero is tomorrow and we genuinely hope you’ll @ us on social media and leave comments about how you don’t care about college football on this free website where this free article that you have less than zero obligation to read is posted. We genuinely care about your opinions. Definitely don’t fight with us on which team is which though. We’re 100% right about that.

We’re going in alphabetical order of MLS teams so as to not show any SEC bias.

Atlanta United = Alabama

Oops.

Well, it’s not our fault that MLS’s most SEC soccer team is paired with the SEC’s most SEC football team. Both demand trophies. Both fanbases are probably kind of spoiled by success. Both have actual insane people cheering them on.

A lot of this is true for most SEC teams, but it just made sense to pick the most successful.

Austin FC = Notre Dame

Beloved by everyone nationwide.

Chicago Fire = Northwestern

Chicago’s Team! ™

(but also, let’s be real here and acknowledge that yeah, no, not really)

Chivas USA = SMU

Look, sometimes the death penalty just happens.

Colorado Rapids = Wake Forest

Quick: Name one distinguishing thing about Wake Forest.

Quick: Name one distinguishing thing about Colorado.

Did you come up with “Absolutely got dang nothing?”

There you go.

FC Cincinnati = Oregon State

Theyyyyyy’rrrrrreeeeeeeee trying.

Columbus Crew = Florida

**AHEM**

Exhibit One:

Exhibit Two:

Prosecution rests.

FC Dallas = Michigan State

They pop up every few years and bore everyone into actually winning a few games and they get kind of close to winning some things and then they kind of disappear for a bit while probably still being actually kind of ok despite the record suggesting otherwise, you say? Michigan State.

D.C. United = Princeton/Nebraska

Princeton works here because D.C. won all their championships when the rules of the sport they were playing were still being altered and tweaked on a major scale. Yes, in this case, we’re considering the fall of the running end of game shootout to be the same as the advent of the forward pass.

Nebraska works because D.C. definitely won things in the 90’s and would really like all y’all to please remember the 90’s thanks.

(yes, we know about 2004 D.C. but we’re considering that the same as Eric Crouch winning the Heisman in 2001. Does anyone really remember it happened this millennium?)

Houston Dynamo = Oklahoma State

Orange. Two very much forgotten about titles. When they’re fun they score a lot when they’re bad they...are very bad.

Inter Miami = Maybe one day: Oregon. Right now: Things going about as well as they do for Kansas.

It definitely seems like they’re going to be really good at some point and those uniforms are going to be flashy as hell. But for now, David Beckham is just Les Miles promising glory that even he’s entirely unsure of. Is that really accurate? No. But did you just witness the first-ever comparison of Les Miles to David Beckham in human history? YOU BET YOUR ASS YOU DID. ROCK CHALK FAUX HAWK Y’ALL.

LAFC = Clemson

Doing the dang thing at a higher level than MLS Bama despite less blue-chips and a weirdo coach.

LA Galaxy = USC

One the league’s most storied franchises who recently......yeah.

May both be coached by Clay Helton?

The biggest thing here though is the way the Galaxy have toyed with roster rules to get players on their team in increasingly crafty/shady ways. We’re watching MLS’s version of Aunt Becky getting her kids into USC.

Minnesota United = West Virginia

Wonderwall is just MLS’s version of Country Roads.

Yes, of course we just wanted to post the videos.

Montreal Impact = Idk what’s a team you don’t really think about? Middle Tennessee? Montreal is the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders.

Nashville SC = Ole Miss

Will probably be pretty good at tailgating. Will probably be pretty bad at soccer.

Ian Ayre is Ole Miss Era Ross Bjork. Just trust me on this.

New England Revolution = UNC

This should really just read Bruce Arena = Mack Brown.

New York Red Bulls = Georgia

Look.

Current UGA student here.

I’m the least happy about this BUT:

Can’t win the big one?

That’s so Metro?

Can’t get past MLS Bama?

Misplaced hope?

Imminent sadness?

It’s Georgia. It’s freaking Georgia.*

*NOTE: I and those of my ilk are the only ones who can make this joke. The rest of y’all can go to hell. THIS IS OUR YEAR. JUST LIKE WHEN HERSCHEL RAN RIGHT OVER THAT GOOD FOR NOTHING BILL BATES. MY GOOOOD, A FRESHMAN. GO YOU SILVER BRITCHES. THEM DAWGS IS HELL, DON’T THEY? [BARKS INTO THE VOID]

NYCFC = Rutgers

I mean, they’re definitely here to try and bring in the New York City market.

Orlando City = Tennessee (Post-Fulmer. But also Pre-Fulmer in a sense because he Emperor Palpatine’d his way to being the AD)

Hhahahhahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahaahahaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaahhah just give me moment hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaaa

Ok, sorry, sorry. Let’s examine shall we.

  1. It may actually be getting better. Really. But also probably not.
  2. Both fanbases have an open desire to burn everything down because of the choices of their administration.
  3. Heath = Dooley. Kreis = Butch. JOC = Pruitt.

Thanks for reading.

Philadelphia Union = Washington

Legitimately good? Check. Coach who deserves way more credit than they’re getting? Check. Going to be thrashed when they’re actually placed against the Clemson’s and Bama’s of the world? Oh, yeah, definitely. Gotta applaud them for being there though.

Portland Timbers = Texas A&M

This is fascinating because both fanbases have this weird, culty thing going on, but very much on opposite ends of the political spectrum. You know Aggies are perking up when they hear that Timbers fans are part of an army though. Portland fans are basically A&Mtifa.

Real Salt Lake = BYU

Besides geography, both teams have won a championship that historical accounts are very unclear about on how, why and if it actually happened.

San Jose Earthquakes = Odd-year Auburn

The Quakes are winning! Why? IDK. Magic? Probably magic.

Seattle Sounders = LSU

Loud fans, loud colors, winning team, football that hasn’t advanced tactically past 2002.

Sporting KC = Wisconsin

Loud fans, definitely colors, not as winning team but still winning, football that hasn’t advanced tactically past 1963.

St. Louis = Missouri

They’ll be around in a couple of years but for now we have to mostly pretend like they don’t exist.

Toronto FC = Texas

Definitely back. Just you wait.

Vancouver Whitecaps = Idaho

At this point, should probably just take stock of everything like their CFB counterparts did and drop down a level.

MLS = MAC

No MLS team is going to be the best team in the sport. But dammit if this isn’t fun to watch teams try to outcluster each other on the way to winning games and cannibalizing each other’s records. It’s a mess, it’s sometimes more exciting than any big game could hope to be and you have to love the consistently weird product it brings to the table. MLS is MAC as hell, and thank the good lord for it.