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Clear & Obvious: A Hater’s Encyclopedia to Orlando City, Volume Three

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We got bored again.

MLS: Orlando City SC at Atlanta United FC Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

“Clear & Obvious” is a new kind of sort of vertical/brand/excuse for us to make fun of the deeply strange and wonderful world of MLS. Please take it very seriously.


A forward from the author

Welcome to a Hater’s Encyclopedia to Orlando City, Third Edition. We’re back to where it all began. The Hater’s Guides began less over two years ago when my heart, consumed by spite and pettiness, poured forth those feelings into an amalgam of hacky jokes, syntax that was poor and mispellings that was the Hater’s Guide to Orlando City. Just look at how far we’ve come since then.

In this third edition, we at DSS wanted to go even bigger. We wanted to give you a reference for all things Orlando Hate. For that reason, we’ve included and built upon some of the insights from the original Guide, the first encyclopedia, and the second encyclopedia. We’ve also added a whole bunch of new, even dumber things. Like any good scholastic reference, the subjects of hate are in alphabetical order. We want to make this as comprehensive as possible so if you feel a subject has been unfairly overlooked, please notify us and we — if it’s deemed worthy of inclusion — will update the Encyclopedia as soon as possible with proper credit given.

As always minimal effort has been put into this. There has been little research, next to zero editing and there’s a legitimate chance that you won’t find any of this entertaining in any way. If you take any of this seriously you deserve to be made fun of. As a commenter once eloquently stated even after reading a disclaimer about how dumb and irrevocably pointless this article would be…

“This is a waste of time. Nothing here folks.”

A special forward from former Orlando City manager, Jason Kreis

Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘truculent’ as ‘aggressively self-assertive’ or ‘scathingly harsh.’

Hi, I’m Jason Kreis, and I truc-u-’lent’ all of Orlando City fans’ aggressive self-assertion and scathingly harsh words to the past because boy am I past all of that, thanks to my new Copper Fit Balance Insoles. At first, I was upset about being fired by Orlando City. There words hurt. But I realized that the pen may be mightier than the sword, but the sword would never be mightier than the pen—itentiary of comfort I’ve locked my feet away in.

Imagine this:

Let’s say your playing a carnival game. Despite not knowing how to play, you start winning. The carnival worker — we’ll call him Mr. Carnival Worker — hands you a goldfish. And then you win again and Mr. Carnival Worker hands you another goldfish. Let’s say you start to feel overwhelming power. Let’s say you begin to turn against the lord and maybe you start seeing yourself as God. Maybe you realize that you’ve had the power within you all along. Maybe you realize your true potential. Maybe you win again and take a fourth fish. Maybe you get handed a fifth. And just when you feel like you’re getting just getting started, you drop a fish. It’s ok though because you’re in control. And Dr. Nemo Fishman, Esquire had an attitude problem anyway. But then you drop Dr. Nemo Fishman, Esquire II. And then number III. and you start to panick and the world starts spinning and Dr. Nemo Fishman, Esquire II comes back to life and asks “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, JASON!” and you scream “I DON’T KNOW. I. DON’T. KNOW.” and you just get so frazzled you drop the other fish and then steal another one from Mr. Carnival Man AND YOU THROW IT YOU JUST THROW IT AS FAR AS YOU CAN BECAUSE WHO ARE THEY TO CHALLENGE ME AND WHO CARES IF YOU’VE LET SIX STRAIGHT FISH BE CONSUMED BY DEATH IT MAY HAPPEN AGAIN IF I GET THE CHANCE AND MAYBE THE NEXT TIME IT WON’T BE A FISH but it doesn’t happen again because they made you leave the carnival. Well imagine how much more comfortable you’d be leaving that carnival wearing Copper Fit Balance Insoles.

Enough with the metaphors though. I’m meta-force feeding this information to you whether you like it or not. As you take the time to read through this article, relax, take a load off. Then stand, and imagine standing on a cloud. OH NO YOUR FALLING! CLOUDS ARE A GAS AND CAN’T SUPPORT THE WEIGHT OF AN ADULT HUMAN! OH NO! YOU HIT THE GROUND! YOU’RE LEGS ARE BROKEN AND YOU CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING! Well that’s what it’s like when you line your shoes with Copper Fit Balance Insoles. Don’t worry by the way. You’re going to be just fine. When you do regain feeling in your legs, remember what I’ve told you today: Blood in, Kreis out.

FAQ (for Orlando fans only)

Q: Why is this FAQ even here?

A: We realized that you, the Orlando fan, may have some questions regarding the Encyclopedia. We also realize that for much of the fan base reading is hard. Please do your best to help the others work through the harder words.

Q: That feels a little uncalled for.....

A: Right?! Isn’t this fun?!!!

Q: Why are you so obsessed with us?

A: You ever see a dude with a face tattoo and then for the next couple of hours you can’t stop thinking about what made them do that?

Q: Are you proud of yourself for actually taking the time to do this?

A: ...........no.

Q: So you admit you had nothing better to do?

A: ....................................yes.

Q: Are all Atlanta fans like this?

A: No. Much of them are well adjusted, very kind and pleasant people with much less free time.

Q: Should I complain about this on Twitter?

A: Ohmygod yes keep giving us clicks. It’s how we get paid.

Q: So...........you catch Kid Rock when he came through Atlanta?

A: No. Please stop asking.



A Hater’s Encyclopedia to Orlando City

New Entries & Updates

Bendik Face - A joke we used to make about Joe Bendik’s very Eli Manning-like face. Somehow, through the work of Philadelphia's Sons of Ben, who noticed the phenomenon before Atlanta had even invented soccer, this happened.

Fathering

Verb. To father. The act of fathering.

Josef Martinez regularly Fathers Orlando.

Good tweet

Something Orlando actually did for the first time after a long line of not good tweets (see: Illuminati)

Illuminati

Um. Yeah.

Martinez, Josef

The father of Orlando City (see: Fathering). Josef really does not care for Orlando. Even going as far to avoid wearing purple as much as possible.

Josef, who is perfect, repeatedly refers to how easy it is to win and do literally anything he wants against Orlando. Orlando fans love Josef as much as we do.

Meram, Justin

REDACTED ENTRY: Michigan Man. Forward for Orlando City. Failed in MLS before accepting failure as his birthright and just sucking it up and moving to Orlando in 2018. As ennui has set in, he realizes scoring is fruitless endeavor, created solely to momentarily satisfy our lust for instant gratification. “What’s the point of scoring when death pays no attention to box scores?” he asks each horrified child who walks onto the field with him before games. He has yet to score a goal in nine appearances for Orlando.

UPDATED ENTRY: Hero. Legend. All-around brilliant person and player. Revitalized by a move to Atlanta that has given him a chance to truly hurt Orlando. Meram so hated playing for the team and it’s fans he’s promised to go big on the celebration if/when he scores on them. Deservedly so, as, according to Justin, Orlando fans got real damn weird and creepy.

Justin is perfect and an Atlanta hero and we love him.

Mueller, Chris

MLS Rookie of the Year (runner-up). FIFA create a player in design not skill.

Nani

Japanese for “What.” A word which in this case stands for “what? Orlando City? Nani? The famous and talented player? Why? Oh man he must have really fallen off. Or. Has loan debt? Or something? For real, Nani?”

O’Connor, James

Current manager of Orlando City Soccer Club. Former manager of much more successful Louisville City FC. 176 appearances for Stoke where he gained the extent of his tactical acumen. Funny voice man. Got damn honey pot.

Presented by Target 2019, MLS All-Star Skills Challenge

The single greatest victory in Orlando City history.

“This was my Everest,” Nani said. “Thank god I lived long enough for this moment.”

Rowe, Brian

Orlando City goalkeeper. Former star of The Wonder Years.

Super Bowl

For Orlando City, the Open Cup Semifinal tonight against Atlanta. Literally the single most important game in club history. The Open Cup. Semifinal.

US Open Cup

The single most important trophy to ever exist according to Orlando fans if they win tonight. If they lose, that’s not important, having a fan base with higher atte......having more trop.....LOOK ATLANTA FANS ARE STUPID AND THEY HAVE STUPID FACES.

A

Allen, RJ

A former Orlando fullback who failed to make it in the Danish 1st Division and a man, like most in Orlando, desperately praying no one notices his hairline. He was in his first year in Orlando after leaving New York, the city equivalent of leaving a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse to go eat at Golden Corral. His one endorsement was “Concave Football Boot”, a modern football boot for modern uncles everywhere. They were hot trash.

RJ left in 2018 for FC Motown, presumably a sitcom set in the 1960’s about struggling R&B artists who find that soccer is the real music or something.

Aztex

Founded in 2008 in Austin, Texas, Austin Aztex FC were the precursors to the original USL edition of Orlando City SC. The team moved in 2010 to both literally and figuratively move down a tier by moving to Orlando and joining the USL Pro League. The club was named due to the owner’s desire to make an important historical society known as the Aztecs appeal more to what he called “the cool kids” by adding an X to the original Aztecs name to make the CS sound at the end of the name. “Do you get it?” he kept asking. “It’s an X, which isn’t how you actually spell it, but — you may not believe this, but stick with me — that X, which is one letter instead of two, makes the same sound as the original name! Ok, let me explain it one more time...”

B

B, Orlando City

A team with name that has all the creativity of...*looks at Atlanta’s USL team*...dang it.

Anyway, playing soccer/living in Orlando was so bad for them they decided to just sit this year out. They’ll resume play in 2019 having moved down from USL to USL Division III to see if they can actually win something. It’s that thing you and your friends did/do in intramurals where you knew you had no chance in the main league so you played in the “non-competitive” league to see if you could get a free t-shirt or trophy or whatever out of it. You still probably didn’t. And OCB hasn’t either. Through July, they’ve won three games.

Bandanas

The official facewear of Orlando’s Ultras. Because you have to hide your face when you’re up to all your hooligan adventures because who knows what the cops will do if they catch you on the cameras yelling “Atlanta sucks!” and running away before the family of four walking to the game has time to even turn around. Like freaking ‘1984’ up in here, bros. Make sure you’ve got a skeleton face on your bandana though so you look extra sick. Like, actually sick. Like you’re actually dying. Will totally help the team make the playoffs and make you look extra intimidating as a member of the #PurpleUndead.

Basketball

Everyone good with not talking about either of our teams? Good? Good.

Bendik, Joe

Former goalkeeper for Orlando City. From Harrison High School in Kennesaw, Georgia just outside Atlanta. Like the fourth most-famous athlete from Harrison behind a college freshman who hasn’t even taken his first official snap yet and three or ten other people I’m too lazy to look up because who cares, it’s Joe Bendik. Failed to make it in the Norwegian Tippeligaen before heading to MLS. Failed to stop this goal:

And this one:

Now with Philadelphia, who likes to make fun of him on social media (see: Bendik Face)

C

Cargo Shorts

An alternate leg wear for Orlando fans who can’t find a clean pair of jean shorts (see: Jean Shorts). Good for carrying things like wallet, keys, phone, and all your playoff (see: Playoff) ticket stubs.

City Beautiful, The

The nickname of Orlando given to them by themselves. You can tell because phonics still hasn’t reached Florida (see: Florida) and all of their names and writings make you feel like you’re having a minor stroke.

Colman, Josue

21-year-old OCSC midfielder who failed to make it in the Paraguayan Primera Division. Orlando’s first “Oh man, Atlanta is buying a bunch of young, exciting players, we should do that too, did everyone see what we did, someone appreciate us now, we have young players too, lookit everyone, young, South American, we’re as good as Atlanta now right? Right? Guys?” signings.

The still relatively young player is on loan in Paraguay, a sign that things are definitely working out between him and Orlando City.

Creed

The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.

D

Disney World

An entertainment complex in Bay Lake and Lake Buena Vista, Florida, near Orlando and Kissimmee, Florida. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got here. All of these jokes have been made. There are no more. Orlando City fans called, they want their lazy banter back. Yes, of course they’ll hold. Not like they have anything better to do in Orlando.

Dwyer, Dom

A forward for Orlando City. The most expensive domestic transfer in MLS history, Sporting Kansas City received $900,000 of allocation money, and could receive up to as much as $1.6 million dollars for Dwyer. A member of the original Orlando City SC (see: Louisville), Dwyer was welcomed back with open arms to Orlando, while Kansas City welcomed all that money with open arms and proceeded to by the talent that has them at the top of the Supporters’ Shield standings. Orlando has Dom Dwyer and a fun song to sing at least though. That’s something, I guess. Atlanta United routinely felt bad for Dwyer in 2017 and allowed him open headers in front of goal as a way of expressing sympathy for him having to move back to Orlando after he thought he had escaped.

He’s married to Sydney Leroux, a much more successful soccer player.

E

Edwards Jr., Earl

A backup goalkeeper for Orlando City. Determined to not be as good as Joe Bendik (see: Bendik, Joe). I don’t have a joke, I just feel bad.

El-Munir, Mohamed

A former left back for Orlando City. Failed to make it in the Libyan Premier League (twice), Serbian First League (twice), Belarusian Premier League (just the once) and Serbian Superliga (just the once I think. Could be the same league as the other Serbian one. Who cares.)

Once irresponsibly played almost an entire half in the Serbian First League with a broken foot as a terrible example to the kids of Serbia who should learn to report pain and not play through injury for the sake of toxic masculinity. Which may or may not be a problem in Serbia. Again, no idea.

He has 16 CAPS for the Libyan national team which is almost as impressive as playing for Orlando City SC in that you, the reader, could put this dumb article down right now, travel to either team’s current location, and instantly be the best soccer player in that location. No seriously, try it.

El-Munir now plays for LAFC where he is famous for being elbowed in the head by Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

F

Fire Alarm

A safety device used to warn large populations of potential fire hazards and to wake people up at 3:45 in the morning after you dox team communications staff and find the team hotel even after your supporters (see: Supporter’s Groups) doxxed an MLS referee and had to be told they probably shouldn’t do that again.

Florida

A state. Was largely uninhabitable until the invention of air conditioning allowed large numbers of people to move to the state and somehow make it even more uninhabitable. Noted for it’s large alligator population and...umm...I don’t know, Pitbull? I guess? Pitbull is from Florida right?

Once described by Spencer Hall of SBNation as “not a place you go to live, but a place you go to die.”

Fountain

Apparently, the symbol of the city is this fountain?

I guess it’s appropriate that the city symbol is something usually found as the centerpiece of retirement communities and near-vacant malls to make them seem fancy.

G

Giro, Victor “PC”

Former left back for Orlando City. Goes by the nickname PC, a symbol of his growing dissatisfaction with the liberal media attempting to keep him from speaking his mind. He figures if he keeps it PC then the libs won’t be able to touch him no matter what he does. You can distinguish him on the pitch by the giant Pepe the Frog lapel pin he wears on his shirt collar and the red armband he wears despite not being the designated captain. because he looks like a player for Corinthians named Pablo Cesar apparently. PC failed to make it in Brazil’s Serie A, the Portuguese Premeira Liga and the NASL before joining Orlando City.

Giro left for Vancouver in 2019.

Grinwis, Adam

Another Orlando City Keeper who somehow wasn’t as good as Joe Bendik.

H

Hater’s Guide

A thing Orlando fans seem to have opinions on. (See “Hater’s Guide to SKC”, bottom of page)

Higuiata, Cristian

A Midfielder for Orlando City. Failed to make it in the Colombian First Division before joining Orlando City. Has been a regular part of the Orlando City XI since the club’s inaugural season, leading them to such major accomplishments like (See: History)

Heath, Adrian

The original coach of the first Orlando City SC (see: Louisville) and the MLS edition. Heath led what is now Louisville City FC to three USL Pro League (Third Division) titles before taking the reigns of the MLS OCSC. He was decidedly less successful and now resides in Minneapolis, Minnesota with his son Harrison.

Adrian will very likely make the playoffs this year with Minnesota United. Truly inspiring.

History

Something you get to claim when you’ve been a team two (!) whole years longer than another team. As soon as you claim it, remember to repeat it as much as possible and rely it as your one fallback when discussing your team. It’s the only way you’ll be able to put on your purple skeleton bandana and look at yourself in the mirror in the morning without completely hating yourself.

Hot Topic

The official clothing retailer of Orlando City SC and The City Beautiful.

J

Jean Shorts

The perfect legwear for the Orlando City fan on the go. And not like the athletic looking jean shorts you see in South America. Like the John Cena versions. Adults wear these in Orlando. The more they cover your knee, the higher your social status.

Jernigan, Aaron

The founding father of Orlando. In fact, he was so influential in the creation of the city, the town was originally named “Jernigan”. He was later found guilty of murder. To their credit, even people in 1850’s central Florida knew when it was time for a swift rebrand.

Johnson, Will

The angriest of all the purple elves. The only OCSC player with a mugshot. Genuinely a bad person. Somehow still on the team. Art.

(credit to u/Balerionknight on Reddit)

K

Kaka

The first designated player in Orlando City SC history. Led them to such accomplishments like (see: History). Failed to make it in the Brazilian First Division, Serie A, and La Liga before coming to Orlando City. Listed his greatest accomplishment as “scoring that one time against Atlanta even though we only got a draw out of it.” Never quite made it in MLS despite rumors of great potential. Now retired, he plans to take up watercolors and hopes that his art will allow him to finally make something of himself.

Kid Rock

The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.

Kit

Grimace from McDonaldland: The kit

Kljestan, Sacha

From Parker Cleveland’s definitive literature on the subject:

With Kljestan they now have a lanky 30-something toddler who stalks the field throwing tantrums for 90 minutes. Add to it a fanbase dedicated illustrating their toughness with petty vandalism and pulling fire alarms and it’s easy to see that OCSC has basically nothing that approaches a redeeming quality to the team, and Kljestan doesn’t change that.

Kreis, Jason

Former manager of OCSC. Holds the record for the franchise’s longest winning streak (6) and it’s longest losing streak (6). Broke both records in 12 games. American hero. Future NPSL coach. Spokesman to the stars.

L

Larin, Cyle

The team’s all-time leader in appearances and goals, and a man who’s .182 BAC level made him forget that even Canadians drive on the right side of the road.

A man who wears flannels to party in Florida during the middle of the summer.

A man who freely admits to an under the table agreement between his employer and local police to keep players in less than admirable situations out of police custody and off the local news.

A man who hated Orlando so much, he refused to practice with the team and forced a move to Turkish Super Lig side Besiktas. Following the cues of it’s fan base, the team took the time to post a whiny message about it on the internet. He made just 16 appearances for Besiktas before being loaned.

Largest Crowd

The largest crowd in OCSC history is 62,510. Which is cute.

Lions

The mascot/nickname of OCSC. It doesn’t even describe their kits like something like “Five Stripes” does and therefore makes no sense.

Limp Bizkit

The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.

Lindley, Cameron

Only three appearances for OCSC. You’re probably more familiar with him from that time he hit on your girlfriend at a bar and told you to “chill, bro” when you tried to intervene.

Local Culture

The first line of the Wikipedia passage about Orlando’s “local culture” — and I swear to God this is true — is, “A substantial amount of the teenage and young adult populations identify as being goth, emo, or punk”

It goes on to say, “Major companies, such as Hot Topic and Vans have noticed and taken advantage of this. Hot Topic, an emo retailer, established 5 stores in Orlando.”

It’s unclear whether this video took place in Orlando. And by that I mean, It has never been more clear that this video took place in Orlando.

Loss Cat

Louisville

Where the original Orlando City Soccer Club moved to when the MLS club was announced. This is where all of that team’s trophies are located as Louisville City FC is the actual continuation of the original OCSC. Not the MLS team currently in Orlando. Who have no trophies.

M

Mascot

A nightmare lion that loves the movie Step Up 2: The Streets, and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes of TLC.

Movies

The films The Florida Project, Ernest Saves Christmas, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, and Never Back Down take place in and were filmed entirely in Orlando. No complaints here. Keep up the great work, y’all.

Mueller, Chris

Forward for Orlando City. Played his youth career with a team called the Chicago Sockers. Rookie of the Year Candidate. Don’t have a joke or anything just really wanted to include the “Sockers” thing.

Murphy, Bobby

Former interim manager. Took over as interim manager in 2016 when Adrian Heath (see: Heath, Adrian) was fired midseason by Orlando City. This man has been tasked with the soccer equivalent of going into the soccer equivalent of Chernobyl twice. He has never won a game as manager.

In his first game in his second stint as interim manager, Murphy opted to go with a back three, a tactical move he had probably convinced himself from afar many many times to be the perfect fix to Orlando City’s defensive problems. They lost to Montreal for the second-straight game.

Music

Matchbox Twenty, NSYNC*, Backstreet Boys, a whole bunch of emo-pop bands are all from Orlando. No complaints here. Keep up the great work, y’all.

O

“Offsides”

A thing Orlando fans claim as a ruling in soccer while also claiming to hold the history (see: History) of the game in higher regard than you despite it absolutely being “offside”, but you know, good one buddy. You got me.

O-town

Someone (h/t Terri) sent me this video of an apparent band that’s apparently all Orlando all the time.

The whole schtick is, apparently, they’re all named “Josh” and they each try to subsequently try to out-Josh each other with each verse while crowd of girls named “Angie” look on trying to Angie the most to win the eye of their favorite Josh or the one named “Cam” who I’m told is the rebel of the group (h/t Terri). Orlando is a dark and deeply-disturbing place.

UPDATE:

Owner

The owner of Orlando City is Flavio de Augusto da Silva, a man who is named Flavio and has been rated the most influential Brazilian leader in the world. Flavio made his money by appearing as the rich bad guy in the Brazilian remake of every 80’s comedy.

He also acquired money by starting Wise Up at age 23, with a $10,000 loan and a single idea – to teach fluent English to adults in 18 months. A mere 18 years later, Wise Up now has over 400 schools operating in six countries, and was an official sponsor of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. He bought Orlando City with the idea of using soccer as vehicle to teach English to Floridians but it has proven to be his toughest challenge yet.

While Flavio, is the fiscal owner of the club, other’s have staked their claim to the title through other means (see: Villalba, Tito).

P

Playoffs

Cherish this joke while we still have it y’all. They might actually find a way to not be one of the 12 worst teams in the league for the first time in team history. It’s a long season though, and they’re constantly finding new ways to be incompetent.

Plastic

What you call someone when you’re out of ideas.

Porter, Caleb

Recently fired as manager of the Portland Timbers for not winning games. Orlando City is hoping to win games by bringing Porter on manager of Orlando City SC

HAAHAHAHHAHAH HE TURNED THEM DOWN. CALEB PORTER. TURNED THEM DOWN. HE’D RATHER DO LITERALLY NOTHING THAN LIVE IN ORLANDO AND GET THE TEAM’S STENCH ON HIM HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Powers, Dillon

Midfielder for Orlando City. Former MLS Rookie of the Year. Now takes time to work at a record store and sell Herbalife products and sometimes both at the same time in between occasionally playing soccer.

In 2017, he left Colorado for Orlando and seemed somewhat optimistic.

After that he didn’t tweet again until the reality of having to be in Florida struck.

Prayers, Dillon.

Dillon has made just 15 appearances for Orlando City.

R

Residents

Carrot Top, A.J. Pierzynski, Daniel Tosh, two members of *NSYNC, and Casey Anthony. No complaints here. Keep up the great work, y’all.

Restaurants

Chili’s, Applebee’s and TGI Friday’s all claim to be the official restaurant of OCSC. Whichever restaurants staff prevails with the lowest body count in the upcoming street rumble in the back alley of the Chili’s across town no not that one the other one will become the official restaurant and will win two tickets to the next Ted Nugent concert at the Amway Center.

Rivalry

There seems to be some contention in both fan bases about whether these matches between OCSC and Atlanta United constitute a rivalry. There is a clear answer.

From the definitive literature on the subject: They are in majority insanely unlikable people from a state that exists solely for insanely unlikeable people and happens to be right next to ours. There are soccer reasons to dislike them, there are innate human reasons to dislike them but most of all, it’s just more fun to dislike them.

If all the talk on social media, and the billboards, and the empty threats made by 130-pound UCF engineering students wearing skeleton bandanas and cargo shorts didn’t exist then Sunday would just be another game.

Rosell, Oriol

Midfielder for Orlando City. Failed to make it in Spain, MLS, and bunch of places in Portugal before coming to Orlando. A graduate of La Masia, Barcelona’s famous youth academy, “Uri” is prominently featured on their “Wall of Failure” at the front of the building to remind young Blaugrana that they are owed nothing, and will be given nothing. Another one of Orlando’s many “Ohmygod everyone is going to lose their minds if we don’t keep up with Atlanta” signings during the 2017-18 offseason.

Despite Rosell, they did not keep up with Atlanta.

S

Sister City

Tainan, Taiwan. Not even the capital of Taiwan. You know what is the capital? Taipei. You know who’s sister city that is? Atlanta. That’s right. Point Five Stripes. WHY ARE WE EVEN PLAYING THIS GAME?

Smash Mouth

The official musical artist of Orlando City SC.

Spector, Jonathan

Former defender for Orlando City now at Hibernian. Jonathan’s Grandfather was the first player in Boston Celtics history. By far the most interesting thing having anything to do with this soccer team.

Stadium

Orlando City plays at the aptly named Exploria Stadium. Exploria is...the Jamie Lee Curtis Yogurt? We think? Atlanta United has never lost at Exploria Stadium.

Orlando City built the stadium with entirely private funds like chumps who don’t even know how to defraud taxpayers.

Stadium Ban

In 2018, Orlando City SC took the step of banning Atlanta United’s supporters’ groups from their stadium — an admittedly beautiful piece of sporting architecture stuck in the middle of a crumbling tire fire of a neighborhood/city/state — on the grounds that they had.....uhh.......thrown a beer up in the air or something? Huh. Kind of hard to tell what exactly it was for. Almost seems like they were more upset about losing 2-1 than the actual fans.

In retaliation, the Atlanta United front office spent the rest of the day laughing at the Orlando front office for bringing a stuffed animal to a bazooka fight.

Suntrust Center

The Suntrust Center would be tied for 28th tallest in Atlanta with something called the Two Alliance Center. Not even top-25. Their tallest building wouldn’t even get a number by its name on the ESPN ticker. It looks like the ‘roided lovechild of the Texas School Book Depository where Kennedy was shot and Disney’s Tower of Terror making it by far the most beautiful piece of architecture in Orlando.

Supporter’s Groups

Ruckus (see: Fire Alarm) and Iron Lion Firm.

Both groups have been suspended/given a stern talking to by the club for cursing at Disney World and for setting off fireworks in the middle of a Tampa Bay Rowdies crowd. In a more recent development, both groups are banned from the next four games in Atlanta after breaking bleachers at Bobby Dodd (hardcore), continuing a storied tradition of being banned from places that are honestly probably just sick of inhaling AXE body spray.

They look like this.

That’s it. That’s the whole joke. (see: Local Culture, see Hot Topic)

Sutter, Scott

Former Orlando player, now with Vancouver. Don’t even care what position he is. Played for teams called Grasshopper and Young Boys. In the same career. Nothing else matters but that.

T

Tourism

Over 62 million people a year come to the outskirts of Orlando each year to leave almost as soon as they’ve arrived.

They leave hot, at each other’s throats and angry that they were somehow tricked into paying thousands of dollars to stand in line, eat bad food and watch tacky theme park shows.

That Orlando has been able to keep up the ruse that their theme parks aren’t awful money vacuums for this long is commendable and frankly they should be applauded for pulling off one of the greatest “Turn Stockholm Syndrome into money” schemes in American history.

Twitter.com

The super fun website where Orlando fans are allowed to run wild and fail to recognize when things are photoshopped and say the word “history” (see: History) a bunch.

U

UCF

Undisputed 2018 College Football National Champions. Notable for being named champions despite not having to make the playoffs, an idea known to Orlando City fans as “the dream, bro.”

USL Pro Edition, Orlando City SC

Orlando City SC was founded in 2010 as a team in the third division, USL Pro League. Their logo was drawn by the first artsy looking kid they found outside of a UCF dorm.

Their first professional team took the field in 2011 and actually won the USL Pro championship. They would win again in 2013 and 2014, proving that a team from Orlando can actually make the playoffs and be successful, just as long as they’re two divisions below MLS.

In 2015, they left for Louisville (see Louisville) and became Louisville City FC.

V

Villalba, Tito

(see: Owner)

Villarreal, Jose

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE GOT TRADED IN 2017 FROM LOS ANGELES TO ORLANDO CITY FOR A SUPERDRAFT PICK. A THIRD ROUND SUPERDRAFT PICK. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE DIGNIFIED TO BE TRADED FOR SOME TRAINING CONES. IT WASN’T EVEN A PICK IN THIS YEAR’S SUPERDRAFT. IT’S THE 2019 SUPERDRAFT. HE GOT TRADED FOR SOME TRAINING CONES TO BE DISCOVERED LATER. AND HE HAD TO MOVE TO ORLANDO FROM LOS ANGELES, THE CITY EQUIVALENT OF EATING AT A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT THEN HAVING TO GO TO GUY FIERI’S TIMES SQUARE RESTAURANT FOR EVERY MEAL.

W

Weather

The city is far enough inland that it doesn’t get wrecked by hurricanes all the time. However, despite being the largest inland city in the state, it’s just the fourth largest overall. The other three are on the coast.

The conclusion? Millions of people would rather be hit by a literal hurricane than live in Orlando.

Whatever is in your hand or next to your seat

The official “throwable thing” of the Orlando City Stadium pitch.

You know, unless your an Atlanta United fan throwing water on your own fans after a goal (see: Stadium Ban).

Y

Yotun, Yoshimar

A former midfielder for Orlando City. Joined Orlando midway through in 2017 when Orlando was in the midst of panicking because they realized they were going to miss the playoffs again (see: Dom Dwyer) so they brought in Yoshi who led them to a stunning 10th place finish in the East.

Z

Zima

The official soft-drink of Orlando City SC.