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Clear & Obvious: Peter Vermes definitely isn’t a secret agent.

Not at all.

MLS: Sporting Kansas City at Seattle Sounders FC Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Peter Vermes definitely didn’t kill a guy in a secret spy operation.

Stop thinking that.

The mere idea of it is just insane.

Peter Vermes? A spy? And not just a spy, but a super spy created in the midst of Cold War fervor? Where insane and still untold experiments occurred daily on both sides?

Not Peter Vermes. No way. Look at him.

MLS: Atlanta United FC at Sporting Kansas City Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

I mean just imagine him stealthily scaling a building in all black, moving with a grace and speed unnatural for a man his size. Imagine him covertly speaking into a tiny speaker in the synchronized watch on his wrist to communicate with his mission control, likely a beautiful woman he has a palpable tension with. Imagine, Peter Vermes, of all people, leaving his day job as a soccer coach to scale a roof in all black, speak to mission control, and sneak up slowly behind the two Threats to the State guarding the helicopter where Gold Spear, a leading black market arms dealer will shortly take off on towards his biggest and most damaging sale yet, and quickly and efficiently dispatching them.

You can’t, can you? Just impossible.

It’s not like after he dispatched the guards he would wait silently and patiently for Gold Spear, passing the time by thinking of his friends he’d lost in his line of work, and then suddenly freeze as he heard the door to the landing area open, Gold Spear loudly wonder what was going on, and the hurried footsteps of more armed guards. And it’s definitely not like he would then latch on to the bottom of the helicopter as it took off using top-secret technology to stay attached and undetected as he finally discovered the location of Gold Spear’s secret headquarters and called for backup. Backup that would only arrive at the last second after Vermes and Gold Spear had their final showdown. In which Gold Spear would reveal that he knew Vermes was there the whole time and even had a present for him, the present being the new mission director Vermes had surely fallen in love with over the course of this fantastic and exhilarating adventure.

And with the mission director held hostage, Vermes certainly wouldn’t have to break his one rule and take a life by shooting his final bullet into the head of Gold Spear just inches away from the mission director’s own brain.

Peter Vermes has never done this or won the CIA’s highest secret agent honor for such a thing.

And you’re an idiot for even thinking it.