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DSS Does: Choose Your Own Adventure (Chapter 3)

This is absolutely not my beautiful wife.

Come with us. On a journey. A journey where even we don’t know what will happen. Why? Because you’re in charge.

At the end of each chapter you’ll be given a collection of choices. Our hero will then make whichever choice receives the most votes at the end of the day.

Any likenesses to people real or fictional are entirely intentional and everyone is exactly who you think they are. Except...legally...ya know...this is a satire. Everything is satire. I took a media law class, I know what satire is. It’s this.

Choose wisely. All is not always as it appears.*

*assume that every choice that doesn’t win would have resulted in the characters dying.

Chapter 2 is here: https://www.dirtysouthsoccer.com/var/2020/3/24/21191991/dss-does-choose-your-own-adventure-chapter-2

The readers of the last chapter chose:


The boys turned around. The sight concussed them. They couldn’t move.

“Y’all,” Jeff said. “Where...where are we?”

In front of them stood a structure they’d never seen anything like. The outside covered in chrome. A swirling bowl of intertwined metal criss-crossing like the vines they had fallen through in the forest. That seemed like days ago.

A roar went up from what the boys now realized was a stadium. A car roared overhead.

...

A car roared overhead?

“What the he—.” Jermaine got cut off by the sound of siren. The car, or whatever had just flown over them, began flashing red and blue. Not lights attached to it. But the entire car itself.

The boys froze. The car turned toward them and did the same. A peculiar standoff where one side was far too scared to move and the other side’s motives were completely unknown. It ended with an open door. Or what seemed like an open door to the boys. Where a door should be just kind of...wasn’t anymore.

A metal foot stepped from the floating vehicle and found the ground. Jeff realized at this moment that he didn’t see any grass anywhere. Or roads. They were standing on some kind of synthetic surface. The driver of the car continued easing out.

In front of the boys now stood an eight foot tall robot humanoid. In a monotone autotuned to E-flat, the robot boomed, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING GROUNDLINGS?”

The boys glanced at each other. As Jeff went to respond, Jermaine, unfortunately got there first.

“Who the hell wants to know shiny?”

Jeff slapped him in the chest.

“MY NAME IS ROBO-BRYAN ROCHEZ. I AM AN OFFICER OF THE LAW. I AM ON PATROL. YOU ARE BEING PATROLED.”

“Well Robo-Bryanz Ro—,” Jeff said. “Wait? Your name is...Robo-Bryan...But if you’re already a robot...why do you have to add the “Robo” before your na.......”

Robo-Bryan Rochez tilted his robot head.

“You know what, nevermind. Can you tell us where we are?”

“YOU ARE ON EARTH.”

“Well no sh—”

Jeff smacked Jermaine in the chest again.

“No like, where are we relative to downto—”

“YOU ARE ON EARTH.”

“No, ohmygod what is...what is the name of the locatio—”

“YOU ARE ON EARTH.”

Jeff screamed and turned away from Robo-Bryan Rochez.

“I’m Ashley Cole,” Ashley Cole said.

“YES. I WILL TAKE YOU THERE.”

Jeff, Chris and Jermaine exchanged shrugs as Ashley Cole began following Robo-Bryan Rochez to the now extending flying car. The boys hopped in a suddenly spacious cabin and the car began flying toward the massive stadium.

Through an opening they could make out green grass with two goals on either side. A player kicked a white ball.

“Soccer,” they thought.

“WHY ARE YOU BOYS NOT AT THE SHMOCCER MATCH?” Robo-Bryan Rochez boomed.

“We uhh...we’re just running late.” Jeff said.

“I USED TO WANT TO BE A SHMOCCER PLAYER,” Robo-Bryan Rochez said.

“We absolutely do not care,” Jermaine said.

Chris had no response. He was far too fascinated with what appeared to be a cupholder that changed size to whatever he put into it. Including but not limited to a bag containing a combination of Skittles and rocks he called “Skittles and rocks.”

“I COULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. BUT THEY DO NOT ALLOW ROBOTS TO PLAY SHMOCCER. AND I AM A ROBOT.”

“Who could have guessed,” Jermaine said.

Jeff stopped looking at the window and turned to Robo-Bryan Rochez.

“Explain something to me.”

Poll

what should Jeff ask about?

This poll is closed

  • 59%
    "What are the rules to shmoccer?"
    (26 votes)
  • 40%
    "What’s your favorite moment in shmoccer history?"
    (18 votes)
44 votes total Vote Now