Jurgen Damm | Welcome to Atlanta highlights, skills, tricks | 2020 | 4K

Jurgen Damm is a member of Atlanta United now. He plays soccer sometimes. Who cares? No one. Absolutely no one. What’s important here is that he’s on the team. And that means his social media is too. And thank god because I thought this team was about to be boring as all hell in 2020.

But here comes Jurgen. A hero. An absolute hero.

Jurgen has a Tik Tok account. It is stunning.

Here are all of the Tik Toks. ALL of them. Because not including one would be doing a journalistic disservice to you, the people, and an artistic disservice to a poet breathing and yearning to be heard with each heartbeat.

The Opener

The Artist’s first Tik Tok. It shows someone still beginning to find their voice. You can see the promise though. There are flashes of brilliance, and signs that this account is destined to do numbers.

The video includes so many key ingredients. Upbeat pop music. A car the collective readership of DSS couldn’t afford. A random friend/acquaintance who’s just kind of there for some reason. A weird reverse camera angle that makes it seem like Jurgen switched the steering wheel side of the car somehow. And a shot of him pulling into a parking space that could only be taken with the help of random friend/acquaintance who had to exit the vehicle to take the shot of the car pulling into the parking space.

It’s certainly not the most engaging video here. But you have to know how the foundation was installed to understand how the tower looming over us all came to be.

Love

Every artist has that period at the beginning where they’re trying to figure out their strengths. An “experimental” phase if you will. The experiment being them learning how to use the tools at their disposal and how to not just copy the format and style of their favorite creators. The inspiration here is obvious: The slideshow from your older cousin’s second wedding. However the execution is lacking, as the music just kind of stops halfway through for some reason.

Abstract Period

I don’t know what this is and it seems like he’s bad at it.

Face Challenge

JURGEN DAMM IS (not) HIDING A CHILD.

The kid shows up more later. It’s an instant numbers boost every time. Sometimes you have to pad the stats. It is also very cute. If you’re into people being happy and having loving families and all that.

RIIISSSINNN’ UP

It’s perfect. In both scope and it’s awareness of it’s place in the zeitgeist. There is a double entendre of sorts happening here. You have the classic workout montage mixed with the fact The Artist has taken a tremendous leap here. The timing, the creativity, the skill, all of it combining to introduce a fresh new face that suddenly has the world taking notice. The constant grinding is paying off for the first time, and The Artist is owning it by sarcastically moving small amounts of weight.

The Follow Up

So this is clearly a cover. That doesn’t mean the timing isn’t excellent. The Artist has the eyes of the world and isn’t letting go now.

Dance Challenge #1

The kid is back. The dance will be important later.

{REDACTED}

ok so...uhh...there’s one missing on the timeline here. go look it up if you want. just don’t have your headphones unplugged. and then clap your hands.

???

I don’t know what any of this is.

Dance Challenge #2

Random Friend/Acquaintance is back and....not as good at the dance challenge as the tiny child apparently?

TRICKY

ELITE. JUST, ELITE.

This is our first introduction to The Dog and the first in The Artist’s acclaimed Canine Trilogy. The skill in keeping the cup on the face combined with The Dog making it as difficult as possible has taken The Artist from contender to full fledged juggernaut.

I mean it’s crazy

The second installment in the Canine Trilogy. The Dog is here to reenact a scene from Frozen with stunning accuracy. Unsurprisingly, the numbers are huge. Know your audience folks.

TAG DEL MEJOR AMIGO

In the final piece of the trilogy, The Artist declares The Dog his best friend in a brutal blow to Random Friend/Acquaintance who is stuck at home weeping while doing the Dance Challenge by himself. We never see him again.

In the third installment, we see The Artist answering questions about him and his best friend. This means we also see him slamming his and a dog’s head into some flour. It’s one of his boldest statements yet and his third most popular creation.

The Crazy Chicken

Sometimes life hits you over and over and then one day you look up and you’re being taken in handcuffs out of an El Pollo Loco bathroom. Here The Artist celebrates the struggle in all of us. The struggle to not be taken in handcuffs out of an El Pollo Loco bathroom.

(for clarity here: “I was confused when they asked me to stop my truck, and because I couldn’t identify who it was, I decided to hide somewhere close. Fortunately, minutes later everything was cleared up and the authorities only wanted to check my car permit.”)

RIP

Here we see The Artist working in his study.

Jurgen Damm Heat Map

Good artists steal. Great Artist’s acknowledge their own shortcomings.

Magnum Opus

This literally sent me to the floor. An incredible combination of technique and skill. The outfits, the jump cuts, the Smash Bros. theme w/back beat, the incredible references to not only his brief experience in El Pollo Loco but his propensity to mishandle fireworks.

This is his best effort in my opinion. Art. Truly, Wonderfully, Art. We are unworthy.

Yeah

the family or whatever. they seem nice.

Remember that time he bought an El Pollo Loco outfit for a bit?

The Dog and The Kid and The Crazy Chicken

Longtime collaborators deserve to rise to the top with you. Never forget the ones you started with.

“I’m just a kid...

...and life is a nightmare.” Is certainly a lyric to include here.

El Sensei de la carne

I genuinely laughed. That’s all I got here.

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

(I am genuinely fascinated by the Foster the People cover happening in the background.

“Anime is an important part of our culture”

“Anime is an important part of our culture.”

Baby you’re a firework

We should all own our lives like The Artist. Art is a teacher. Tik Tok a weapon in the fight against self loathing. I’ve always said this.

This is The Artist’s most viewed video due to its lessons and wisdom.

ACCEPT YOURSELF YOU COWARDS

More self acceptance. More understanding. More Jurgen Damm please.

One day he may figure out how to play a cross that isn’t immediately blocked. Or he may not. Either way he’s accepting of himself. I’m honestly not sure when I stopped trying to do a dramatic hipster irony thing but these are actually endearing and I love them deeply. Seriously.

“I’m just a kid...

and I’m genuinely concerned about this meme. Is he saying that he had a horrible childhood? Is this a way of expressing hurt? There have to be better ways to manifest this stuff.

Uh...Uh oh.

uh oh.

Welcome Jurgen!

The most exciting player since Bobby Boswell or Bosworth or whatever.

I couldn’t be happier he’s here.