Clear and Obvious: Five things the potentially new Atlanta United kit gets right

If there’s one thing Atlanta United fans wanted going into 2021 it was a manager. If there were two things supporters wanted, it was a number 6. If there were three things fans wanted it was a kit with five stripes on it. I know what you’re thinking, the nine stripe kit is fine because tHe FIvE stRiPEs ArE on tHe CReSt, but the league gives us a new home kit every two years no matter what. Luckily, the team gets a chance to improve upon perfection and apparently, maybe, came up with this to do just that.

As with anything involving taste, some people have it and others don’t. If you doubt that these kits are anything but perfect, I have some reasons you are wrong.

1. The kits are simple. Minimal. They lack unnecessary embellishment. Clean. Fresh. So fresh, so clean. This is good, it undoubtedly saved a lot of money on dye for unnecessarily wide stripes so that funds could be better appropriated by paying Emerson Hyndman’s salary or buying sushi or something.

2. You won’t be able to notice the Five Stripe Design on TV so it will look like Atlanta United are wearing the black pajamas of the Viet Cong, one of the greatest counter attacking forces in the history of the world.

3. When you listen to the game on the radio the announcers will let you know how good the kits look.

4. The Little Five Stripes kit is an homage to Little Five Points, each stripe represents a unique feature of Atlanta’s best neighborhood.

4.1. The first stripe represents the time in 2002 when I was in L5P with a friend doing extremely cool 17 year old things and someone put us in a headlock and suggested that we make a donation to him. My reaction to being robbed was to decide that I would move to the neighborhood, which I did several years later.

4.2. Stripe number two honors the coolest trend in ITP living: gentrification (see above).

4.3. This stripe recognizes not being cool enough to shop at Criminal Records.

4.4. Stripe three represents all 12 cellphone screen repair places located 100 feet from each other in the neighborhood.

4.5. The 5th appreciates paying $20 for a hamburger with peanut butter on it. Haute cuisine.

5. Snorting face emoji.

If you need more reasons than this let’s yell at each other on the internet about it.