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MLS Fashion Police: Reviewing 2017’s new kits

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The do’s and don’ts of 2017

Zoolander 2 At The Paris Fashion Week Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images For Paramount Pictures

Sure, the Oscars were Sunday but that doesn’t mean that snarky fashion comments have to go out of style. Let’s take a look at who is at the top of the table and who is getting relegated with a list of this season’s MLS do’s and don’ts.

Do

The Vancouver Whitecaps seem to always bring an element of their city’s natural surroundings into their kit designs and these rain based jerseys will leave you singing.

A lot of people don’t know this but the Migos lyrics ‘raindrops, drop tops’ inspired this look. I really like it, Vancouver takes their wet, depressing, gray weather and turns it to inspiration for terrific kits every year and 2017 is no different.

Don’t

The LA Galaxy are an MLS founding club and have had a lot of looks over the years. This season, the team gets a new second kit and launched the #outoftheblue campaign to hype the release, sorry LA you should throw these back into the blue.

The new second kit for LA looks more like something multi-level marketing company would send you in the mail for free after you got suckered, I mean made the completely rational and well informed choice, of joining their pyramid scheme, I mean opportunity to be your own boss.

Do

Green and gold are two of the most satisfying colors to put next to each other and the Portland Timbers do the combo a service with their new jersey this season.

Nothing is hotter than normcore this year and the Timbers are that hipster brand that everyone will be talking about all season long. Their primary kit is bold and says loudly and clearly, ‘I am a green shirt’. The green kit will blend in nicely with the grass as the team plays and it pays homage to the 2016 season when they faded into the background during the final weeks of the season. Their second kit with horizontal black and red stripes is an obvious rip off of Atlanta’s primary kit.

Don’t

Minnesota had one of the best kits in all of soccer the past few seasons with the loon wing design and they’re coming into year one in MLS after focusing 2016 on the NASL. The team debuted new primary and secondary kits just in time for fans to order them for week two of the MLS season.

I could take a whack at Minnesota for being humble Midwesteners who didn’t want to be too flashy and attract attention to themselves with their kit or player signings while they let the work ethic of their 5 win season speak for itself, but I won’t do that. This is an off the rack design but I expect they’ll do better next year.

Do

I know I’m not supposed to say anything good about New England, but last year the Revolution scored a goal with their Paris Saint-Germain inspired first kit. This year they follow it up with a strong, bold, and unique offering.

Sadly for the Revs, Darren Eales wearing this kit will be the highlight of their season as the Super Bowl bet will be the only thing they will win all year.

Don’t

DC United has had some of the most iconic kits in MLS history. Their 1996 offering was an instant classic and an alternative to the eyeball assault that much of the other teams in the league subjected fans to.

Red card alert! The team unveiled a new away kit that is meant to reference the wings of an eagle like on their crest, but that actually has eagle wings and looks nothing like what is on the jersey. This looks like a carnival t-shirt with abs airbrushed on the chest for some reason. I guess if I squint a lot I can see what they were going for here - a not so subtle rip off of the MNUFC loon wing kit - but this just didn’t come together.

Do

The San Jose Earthquakes second kit stays the same but the primary is all new. The team has come a long way from the neon yellow, teal, and white 1996 kits as we can see here.

The new look for 2017 pulls the blue and black imagery from the crest into the design of the jersey and the result is glorious. Clearly, it celebrates the fact that one day a massive earthquake will cleave California away from the US mainland and Snake Plissken will have to recover a doomsday weapon from the new post-apocalyptic island.

Don’t

FC Dallas plays some of the most aesthetically pleasing soccer in the league. Their kits have also passed the eye test in recent years as The Hoops have established an iconic look. They get a whole new primary kit this year and took things in a different direction and got in a little Twitter beef along the way.

I can’t carve up the steer on the the FCD crest any better than Houston defender A.J. De la Garza did, so I won’t even try.

Don’t

Yes, a double Don’t so that I can save the best for last (I wonder who will be the best kit...).

The Orlando City Soccer Club is the first team to wear purple, the color of kings, in MLS. Sadly for them, the lions have only managed to be kings of missing the playoffs since joining the league in 2015. This year they get a new primary kit to go along with their new outdoor stadium (which doesn’t even have a retractable roof, but who am I to judge).

Hey Orlando, the retirement home next door called, they said one of their residents lost his golf shirt, can you give it back please? This lion is a little tame, but it isn’t all bad. There’s a functional element for the jersey as well as it features the GPS coordinates of the new stadium on the sleeve. This is in case the players are found wandering off the field dazed and confused by the number of goals they are conceding and need to find their way back to the pitch.

Do

MLS bow down to your new overloads, the Kings of the South are here! Everything Atlanta United has done left the rest of the league in stunned astonishment by how perfectly it was executed. The primary and secondary jerseys are no different.

If you have eyeballs you can see how obvious it is that this kit is a visual masterpiece that would make Michelangelo pull the frescoes down from the Sistine Chapel and replace them with the Five Stripes home kit if he were still alive.

What’s scary is that as good as the primary kit looks, the secondary jersey is just as stunning.

The secondary kit is inspired by the railroad and is a lifestyle design that is sure to be spotted in all the hottest clubs this spring. I for one couldn’t be happier that the team went with a railroad theme for this look. The Beltline, Marta, the Atlanta Streetcar, Krog St. Market, Chipper Jones’ at bat song, and now Atlanta United are all a part of railroad related things that make the city great.