Clear & Obvious: Everyone you would expect is in this Sacramento welcome video

Quick. Name a famous Sacromentian.

Did your response range from “Oh god I have no idea” to “Wait, Sacramento is a real place?”

Good. You’re just like every normal human that exists. Including the folks behind this video welcoming Sacramento to MLS/The MLS. I, however, know that LeVar Burton was raised in Sacramento. Is LeVar Burton in this video? No.

In fact, I checked the cast list. Did anyone actually associated with Sacramento actually show up in this video? Can we even pretend that they were kind of associated with Sacremento? Is the MLS Cameo (a real thing where you can pay celebrities to say things to you, including Julian Gressel, whose first video is for, I swear to god, our very own Tiotal Football) budget larger than their charter flight budget?

LET’S. FIND. OUT.

OPENING

All very normal things. Bad electronic music. A “drivin’ through the city” shot. Some fans with flags and scarves. And then of course

MICHAEL STRAHAN

Former NY Giant and Regis impersonator and guy being sued for $500k in back payments on child support Michael Strahan is the first to welcome Sacramento. Michael Strahan has absolutely not one time been to Sacramento.

Now on to

TAYLOR TWELLMAN

Ok yeah sure whatever fair enough but he’s no

TOM BRADY

Touchdown Tom! He’s from California! Sure he lived two hours away and had both San Francisco and San Jose right there to go to, but hey, home gets old after a while. Maybe one day he ventured up the road to Sac-town to see.......the California State Railroad Museum. Maybe he also saw fellow railroad enthusiast

TIM HOWARD

Definitely a soccer person who has played soccer.

Soccer Tim Howard has never been to Sacramento on purpose, however there is a Tim Howard who teaches at California State University, a university that exists and is in Sacramento. He has a 3.5 rating on Rate My Professor dot com. He does not go by the syllabus which really hurts him. No idea on his ability to teach soccer but someone who could show Sacramento a thing or two about that is

MIA HAMM

Definitely a soccer person. Owns another team in the state that will probably beat Sacramento by 40 the first few times they play. Definitely more talented than any player Sacramento will ever produce. Definitely has not been to Sacramento.

Unlike

CARLOS VELA

Lol jk can you imagine him going to Sacramento. Take the Mia Hamm paragraph and change “owns” to “plays for” and it’s pretty much the same thing.

Of course one of the best women’s soccer players and the player with the greatest season in MLS history are naturally followed by

STEVE HARVEY

Steve Harvey does not believe in evolution.

STEVE NASH

Hey! Steve Nash! He’s been to Sacramento! There’s a basketball team there! He played basketball! And he likes soccer! He follows it so much he talks about it for a living now! He surely will know not to, wait, nope....yeah, nope he just called it “The MLS”, alrighty then, Go Kings.

Speaking of kings

STEVEN GERRARD

Oh man the best soccer guy so far. He played in MLS once. In California too! He’s never once been to Sacramento. But still! Steven Gerrard! Surely as a soccer guy who played in MLS he would know, wait, nope.....yeah, nope he also just called it “The MLS.”

Was he added to this video just so that they could have three “Steve’s” back to back to back? Almost certainly. Shameless stuff really.

Segues are hard

ERIN ANDREWS

And so is finding people related in any way to Sacramento. Erin grew up in Maine and went to school in Florida and no lives in LA. She has covered the NFL, MLB and college football among other things. All this means that she has not once even thought of Sacramento until literally the moment she was asked to do this video.

Anyway.

Something is about to happen here.

It’s not my fault.

But

JOSEF MARTINEZ

Why. Why did you bring him into it. And how did you do it without him cursing at any point?

The King seems almost amused by the whole thing. It is kind of adorable really to think he would ever be concerned with Sacramento.

ROBBIE KEANE

Soccer guy never been to Sacramento you get it at this point let’s just move on to the next soccer g

MICHAEL STRAHAN

ok nope, back to Michael Strahan.

Welp, can’t get any weirder than

DAVID SPADE

oh god. Let’s stop here before someone gets hurt.