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Clear & Obvious: (Universal) Expansion Draft

“so am i seriously not allowed to draft montana?”

MLS: MLS Press Conference Andy Marlin-USA TODAY Sports

So there’s an expansion draft today or tomorrow or yesterday or whenever we post this. We figured that these drafts are inherently for total losers because these drafts are self contained to MLS, a league for total losers, and meanwhile the universe is expanding at a stunningly fast rate unlike MLS’ loser shit where they only add like a team from Bismark once every two years. Like losers.

We at C&O recognize that the Friedmann-Lemaître-Robertson-Walker metric is real, unlike the total Losermen Supreme at MLS who doesn’t even get the mother freakin Lamda-CDM model and its relation to dark energy. Like real dark energy. Not what Sacha Kljestan calls his inner-self while he’s listening to Mayday Parade.

Amazing that we can look around at the world and have to listen Lose McSuck tell us when and what we can expand on in our drafts while he dives into his pit of gold coins with his three nephews Losey, More Losey, and Dewey Lose Now or Later?.

So we’re having our own expansion draft. Of anything we want. Because the universe is expanding and the heat death of that universe is coming soon and because we were bored.

It will be a two round snake draft. The order was determined thusly:

ROUND ONE

JSam: Caddyshack is Trash

There’s not a single good joke. Not one. I believe this movie is intended to be a comedy. There’s this weird thing that happened though where they forgot to put in jokes and just added Rodney Dangerfield (also trash) mugging to camera about HIS WIFE. Rodney Dangerfield hates his wife. That’s because every middle aged human in 1980 still got married at 19 to bypass the laws of their parents and then coped with the depression of marrying someone terrible by making jokes and using all that lack of student debt to buy tickets to see Rodney Dangerfield complain about his terrible wife instead of paying for therapy. Rodney Dangerfield in a way was their therapy.

“That man hates his wife,” they would think to themselves. “This pleases me,” they’d say to themselves as they thought about how much they hated their wife. “Does Rodney Dangerfield hate my wife though?” they thought. “No,” they reasoned. “He hates nothing but HIS wife. And for that I am happy. I will now go play golf to get away from my wife. Whom I hate.”

And so they made the pilgrimage to the golf course to forget about their wife for a few hours. And then one day, a brave man realized that if you combined golf and Rodney Dangerfield, you would have an entire piece of cinema dedicated to the joy of seeing someone who does not like their wife. And so Caddyshack was born and quoted and beloved by people who hated their wife but loved sports and domestic beer and middleshelf whiskey. And no one dared ask the question: Should I perhaps, love my wife?

“No,” They respond to the question. “Because then I would not be able to quote Caddyshack. The movie I love.”

Joe: Capri Sun (Pacific Cooler)

Joe’s war room is flustered and sent scrambling after the top pick in the draft. “But loved sports and domestic beer and middleshelf whiskey” along with the Caddyshack slander has him spilling his coffee as he shakes.

Pacific Cooler Capri Sun is the second pick in the draft. The ideal blood-sugar spike, fully encapsulated like space food in a foil pouch. And better yet you stick a little straw in like a hummingbird into a perfectly pollinated flower. It’s like a little IV bag of sugar. You mainline it, it tastes great, and it reminds me of recess.

Parker: The United States Men’s National Team

If there’s one thing that America excels at, it is plowing money and resources into an idea that sounds really good like a magic box that tells you what diseases you have or a Blink 182 concert or office space or 12,000 original movies that nobody watches because all anyone actually wants is to see The Office 100 times and builds an entire venture around it where the same 50 billionaires just exchange the same $100 million with each other until all that is left are statements about mistakes being made and some poor sap being hauled off to federal prison. Everyone is always surprised about this because it all looks successful. There are grand proclamations about processes and innovation and Ja Rule, but it’s all just a lie in the end. The inevitable result is that what seemed like something that was being developed thanks to a meritocracy was actually just someone’s brother hiring him after keeping the job open for a year while all the other better qualified candidates found other jobs.

These stories are sad but entertaining tales of people with tremendous self belief, but who are ultimately incapable of honesty, self-awareness, or knowing what they are doing until they are found out in the end as massive frauds. It is as if they’ve left a gallon of milk in their fridge for a year but refuse to acknowledge that it’s gone bad. We should throw out the milk now and never buy milk again, there’s no good reason why we should let these cycles continue when the result is already known. That is why I am drafting the United States Men’s National Team... and immediately disbanding it. The USA will no longer participate in men’s soccer, any players with dual nationalities will be allowed to join the national team of that country and those who are just regular boring Americans will be taught how to play lacrosse.

Tiotal Football: Transitions

In 1979, Sony and Philips set up a joint task force of engineers to design a new audio digital disc, and the Red Book CD-DA standard was published in 1980. The Sony CDP-101, released in 1982, was the world’s first commercially released compact disc player.

In 1983, Amy Grant released A Christmas Album under the Myrrh label, and the original ‘83 compact disc pressing was manufactured with a flaw that created a modest but noticeable skip during the transition between track 3 “Preiset Dem Konig! (Praise the King!)” and track 4 “Emmanuel.” This is a shame because “Emmanuel,” the record’s only single, opens with a frisky but subdued throbbing synthesizer that predates the similarly iconic “Top Gun Anthem” of 1986. But, if the transition between tracks 3 and 4 is all fucky, then all is about to be forgiven because ladies and gentlemen, I don’t care what month it is, when you get to the moment when all 2 minutes and 53 seconds of “Emmanuel” transition seamlessly into track 5 “Little Town,” you will nut.

With my first pick, I’m drafting 80’s holiday music being OK to listen to in November.

Back to you, Parker!

Joe: TF, this is a snake draft.

Tiotal Football: With my second pick, I have a Love Actually Take

Sam: parker save him.

Parker: Original ideas

I get it, I do. If studios want to spend money they want to get a good return on it. They can do this by offering stories and characters that audiences are familiar with to reduce the risk of a big flop and a big loss. Waterworld was very expensive and it lost a lot of money or didn’t make enough or something. But it was also a masterpiece along with the other incredible 90s action movies that were big, dumb fun entertaining movies that didn’t make any sense but that didn’t include an insufferable logic debate with the Wizard and the Billionaire arguing about which PLAN is better for the non-CGI parts of the movie. Speed, Demolition Man, True Lies, Con Air, FaceOff, the Rock (BRING BACK PRE-WICKER MAN NIC CAGE) - these were great dumb, original movies that didn’t take themselves seriously that you could watch and enjoy without having to endure another 20 hours of backstory and universe building to get to the point.

If you need 50 comic book movies or 20 Star Wars movies that look like Star Wars but are devoid of the original way of telling essentially a fairy tale - good, please have that. All I’m saying is that there have been like four incarnations of Superman, three of Spider Man, two of Batman, two of The Joker, a bunch of new Jurassic Parks, and several Die Hards and Indiana Joneses in the last 20 years and most of it I trudged through thinking “WHY IS ALL OF THIS THE SAME, WHY CAN’T THEY JUST MAKE CLIFFHANGER OR SOMETHING? ACTION MOVIES ARE JUST RECYCLED NOW AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT’S ANY GOOD IS JUST OBVIOUSLY THIRSTY FOR AN OSCAR.” So I’m drafting original ideas so that someone comes up with something as awesome and perfect as Independence Day and then STOPS MAKING THE SAME THING A YEAR LATER.

Joe: “DEEEENEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The greatest spectacle in soccer history happened when Troy Deeney sent Watford to the playoff final that they lost to Crystal Palace. Football innit.

Sam: These sweaty, sweaty boys

god look how sweaty they all are. all that sweat just dripping off them. you go to shake their hand and it’s like just reaching into a pool. god they’re sweaty. good thing there’s carpe. and now that they have the lotion they can actually open doors instead of their hand slipping off the handle. finally they can drive without gloves and not have their hands fly off the wheel and the car fly into an arby’s. and these people all have to thank these very, very sweaty boys.

look at how sweaty Dave and Dave II are. That shirt was actually a regular collar before Dave sweated so much the collar sunk into a deep, moist v. Dave II is probably really good at science and got talked into a business proposition by MBA student Dave when they both got rejected as Book of Mormon extras for being too got damn sweaty. how are you supposed to dance if the stage is like the Sierra Nevadas after a snow-melting heat flash. my god can you imagine the hajahauhahhhhhhhhahhahdhahshdhahdhfad

sorry. my keyboard got stuck from all the sweat on my hands.

Dave and Dave II please send me my sweat lotion.