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A Contentmas Guide to Nashville SC

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This is like hot chicken just try to enjoy it and not spend the majority of your time crying.

Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND RAISED $3,000. MY GOD. WE HAVE A NEW GOAL NOW. You can continue help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees

A Merry Happy Contentmas Day #13 to you.

*not all pieces of content will be winners but hey, what can you do?


Look, the Hater’s Guides are dead. There’s only so much time to hate. It is Contentmas after all. And honestly Nashville isn’t an enemy here. Believing in the success of soccer in southern cultures is a large part of the ethos being an Atlanta United fan. Especially because Atlanta will forever and always be the first team to do it right and every MLS team with a southern identity afterward will simply be good for nothing copycats staring up at the league’s crown jewel. And that’s ok. Let me be the first to tell you that this is ok Nashville.

It’s not that we don’t care for you. We like y’all. Really. Sure you may get on our nerves sometimes but that’s ok. We know that you’re just learning how this all works. It will be fun to watch y’all grow up before our eyes knowing that you won’t really, truly be a part of all this until you have your supporters section throw urine at each other for the first time win your first trophy. There’s a learning curve for all of us. Atlanta’s just happened to be very short. Very short. Very very short. But, despite your shortcomings, we want to welcome you into the family with warmth and grace and candor. We know that, bless your heart, the first few years or decades might be hard, but we’re sure we’ll never see a team lose so regularly with such elegance again. In fact, since you’re part of our family now, think of us as an older figure showing you the righteous path. Sometimes we’ll have to beat on you a little bit to get the message through, but our intentions are pure, we promise. Really, you can just think of us as your big brother. Isn’t that nice? You being the little brother and all. You’ll grow up big and tall and strong one day and we’re happy to help as we can. But mostly, stay out of our way, won’t ya?

Let’s learn about our new friends to the north. Most of these things are true.

History

Nashville SC was born when Garth Brooks made sweet sweet love to a giant, sentient soccer ball in the winter of 2013. At least that’s how the legend goes.

Before it became Nashville SC, it operated as Nashville FC, a major difference. The original club played in the NPSL as a fan-owned organization. They played their games in Vanderbilt Stadium, signaling an instant desire to make a bowl once every decade. The club crest, designed to look like a spinning record, kind of looked like a spinning record if you turned your head and closed your eyes and imagined a spinning record.

In 2016, the club started listening to a lot of Elliot Smith and really starting to like, understand itself on a deeper level, and like, just kind of getting it, you know. Directly against Garth and the giant, sentient soccer ball’s wishes, the club announced at breakfast one day that it would now like to be known as Nashville SC not Nashville FC, and that it was also enlisting in the USL. Garth and the giant, sentient soccer ball were initially upset, but the group has since reconciled.

After taking two years off to backpack through Europe and returning with a hot new European boyfriend named Ian Ayre, the club played its first game on Feb. 10, 2018 against Atlanta United. In a downpour that they’d like you to know is no way indicative or symbolic of anything, Nashville SC lost 3-1. However, not all was lost. The club’s backpacking paid off, and after an excellent ayahuasca trip with their new friend Don, they kept in touch and were eventually awarded a spot in Major League Soccer.

They will enter MLS in 2020 after finishing second in the eastern conference. Of USL. They averaged 6,999 in attendance last year. This will go great.

Crest

Now instead of it kind of looking like a spinning record it looks like...A yellow stop si.....it looks like one of those weights were you can click it into a certain position and it changes how heavy it is? Or....a yellow stop sign.....Is the “N” that’s hard to read wearing headphones? Is that the bit? Jeez man, it’s so bad it’s hard to make fun of.

Hold on let me look at the marketing copy.........

HAHAHAHA WAIT HOLD ON. THEY ANNOUNCED THE HASHTAG FOR THEIR FIRST MLS SEASON AT THE SAME TIME AS THE LOGO.

IT’S...

are you ready?

IT’S “#BandTogether” HAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAA

Anyway, the logo is supposed to be like “sound waves” or some dumb thing which I guess it kind of looks like if you tilt your head and close your eyes and imagine someone drew sound waves on the new Nasvhille SC crest.

Anyway, the actual hashtag for this season is #GrandOleSoccery.

Front Office

Leading the charge for Nashville SC is CEO Ian Ayre, a man who definitely worked for Liverpool once. He left in 2017. Did Liverpool subsequently go to two straight champions league finals? Why yes, yes they did.

Ayre is most famous in Liverpool circles for the time he tried to increase ticket prices leading to a massive fan walkout where fans sang “Enough is enough, Enough is enoughhhh, You greedy bastards, Enough is enough,” and for the time he flew to Ukraine to close the signing a player and came back with...nothing, the player didn’t sign and never played for Liverpool.

Ayre then went to Germany’s TSV 1860 Munich. He took over as managing director in February of 2017. By May of 2017, Ayre had left the position and 1860 Munich had been relegated.

Anyway, the actual hashtag for this season is #ICanFeelItComingInTheAyreTonight.

Oh, also the owners also own the Minnesota Vikings. This will go great.

Players

David Accam

Hahahahahhahahahaaahahhahhaaahhahahhaa

HHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAA

**Choking**

HHAHAHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAA

......

Also, it looks like Dax McCarty is there too or whatever with some other castoffs.

And there’s also....

[checking Wikipedia]

HOLY SMOKES MITT ROMNEY’S THIRD COUSIN TWICE REMOVED. DAVID ROMNEY. THE DAVID ROMNEY.

Deep breath. Everyone together now. Anddddddddd...

Binders full of soccer players.

Good work team.

Anyway, the actual hashtag for this season is #IThinkAccamIThinkAccam Anyway, the actual hashtag for this season is #DaxOnDeck Anyway, the actual hashtag for this season is #PierreDelectgoal

Manager

Gary Smith. And don’t you forget i—What’s that you’ve already forgotten his name? Oh, well, it’s Jerry Smith. And don’t you forget i-What’s that you’ve already forgotten his name? Oh, well, it’s Kenny Chesney.

Anyway the actual hashtag for this season is #SmithAndInTheWest,Son.”

Nashvillllleee

One good street.

One good street.

One good street.

[chanting grows louder]

ONE GOOD STREET.

ONE GOOD STREET.

[The entirety of everyone not from Nashville]

ONE GOOD STREET!

ONE GOOD STREET!

ONE GOOD STREET!

And then we all come together to make the same joke about Bachelorette parties and how country music made in Nashville hasn’t been good in decades and the stuff now is the most pandering, horrific pop music ever made and is entirely devoid of artistic value except for like three people named Kacey, Jason and Sturgill who are actually trying.

End scene.

Anyway the actual hashtag for this season is #SorryForParty(Bike)Rocking

Actual club crest

Fans

This will go great.

Anyway the actual hashtag for this season is #GunStuffIsExpensive.


Annnnyyyyway, donate to Fugees Family here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees