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Contentmas Day 19: Charlotte’s MLS team needs a name

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Going to Carolina Athletic Sporting FC in my mind. (also does anyone else think James Taylor looks a LOT like Ted Bundy? Like has anyone seen them in the same room together. It is making me very uncomfortable.

Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND RAISED $3,000. MY GOD. WE HAVE A NEW GOAL NOW. You can continue help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees

A Merry Happy Contentmas Day #19 to you.

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Charlotte will be the next city to join this absolute hellscape MLS.

Last week, eight copyrights were filed by the future teams’ owners. They appear to be potential club names.

FIRST a critique of these names. SECOND a suggestion of new names. This is the nature of today’s content. Bless us all. And let us continue forthward.

Their Picks

Charlotte FC

100% a name.

Charlotte Crown FC

Would have been way cooler as Carolina Crown FC, but a Drum and Bugle Corps already snatched the Carolina Crown name up. It’s at least the most intersecting without being repellent on their list in my opinion.

Charlotte Fortune FC

Your badly written romance novel character soccer club name is your grandma’s first name and what you’re lacking in life, mine is Virginia Fulfillment FC.

Charlotte Monarchs FC

Charlotte is named after Queen Charlotte and refers to itself as The Queen City so this kind of makes sense, but it’s doing that weird psuedo-American thing where it has a mascot second name that Seattle Sounders and Portland Timbers FC does and really it just makes me uncomfortable and its why people sometimes call Atlanta “The United” and why are we doing things to hurt ourselves?

Charlotte Athletic FC

No.

Charlotte Town FC

Charlotte is....a city? It’s also a town technically I guess? Just real big Luton fans? Who am I kidding, who isn’t at this point.

Carolina Gliders FC

Clearly a reference to Orville and Wilbur Wright’s attempts and subsequent success at gliding then flying through the skies of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. It’s actually pretty cool to go see where they did it and how they did it. They essentially got on a big ole sand dune and made a guiding track down it. Then they rolled real fast and eventually flew. This is a scientific fact.

I have family that’s spent a lot of time in Kitty Hawk and the Outer Banks area so I can confirm all of this. In a very related note: I threw up in front of my entire family at a wedding in Outer Banks. I will not be answering questions on how recently this happened.

Anyway, name sucks.

All Carolina FC

Ain’t just North Carolina, ain’t just South Carolina, it’s All Carolina. Do you reckon ya get it? We looked at ourselves and said wouldn’t it just be peachy if we made ourselves the Ole Miss of MLS, all folksy like. Speaking of peachy, did you know South Carolina actually produces more peaches than Georgia? You can even go see our monument to peaches if you’re rambling through Gaffney, South Carolina a mupent or two. We have a big ole giant Peach for a water tower. You can look it up on your cellular device and wait why are you laughing, what are you looking at, do you like our peach?

Our Suggestions

Three of Sam’s Grandparent’s died in Charlotte FC

R O Y A L T Y

So first, I think the theme of playing on Charlotte as the Queen City is really solid. There’s got a be a way to recognize this but subtly. With maybe a nod to other soccer-playing cultures. So if we just think of royalty and think of a popular league...Like La Liga in Spain. That will work. It’s in Spain so royal in Spanish is.....Real, so yeah Real Charlotte FC will wor why is everyone looking at me

Slightly taller Bank of America building than Atlanta FC

(it’s not actually though, stop lying to yourself Charlotte.)

Pink Glass FC

Horrific name. Ignore it. It’s all just a lead in to talk about one of the great moments in petty to ever occur stateside. Probably like 20 years ago or something, this real estate developer wanted to build a high rise near downtown Charlotte. The city told the guy that he couldn’t build where he originally wanted. There were some mean words exchanged. The building currently occupying the spot he wanted to build SUSPICIOUSLY BURNED DOWN More mean words were exchanged.

With the building out of the way, the developer finally got the go ahead to build his thing. People in the community told him he couldn’t build the thing as tall as he wanted. More more mean words were exchanged. And instead of picking up his stuff and moving on, you know, like an adult, he decided to take all of it and just dump it all over the heads of the people fighting against it and set it all on fire. Metaphorically speaking. Not like the building he may or may not have burnt down.

Anyway, instead of building just a normal high-rise kind of thing, HE MADE THE BUILDING PINK. OUT OF SPITE.

THIS IS REAL. THIS HAS NOT BEEN ALTERED IN ANY WAY.

The real estate developer guy is clearly traaaaaassshhhhhhhhhhhh but it’s so ugly it’s almost beautiful. This is the best building in Charlotte. Maybe America. It’s so bad. So much had to go wrong. Buildings take forever and they had to watch as a giant wall of pink got progressively taller. Believe in your nightmares.

We Really Hope People Forget Atlanta Exists FC

We Miss The Days When Five People Would Accidentally Miss Atlanta And End Up Living Here Rather Than Take The Time To Go Where They Originally Intended Each Year FC

Look, I have a lot of these. Let’s just all assume I have a lot of these.

FC Bojangles

amiright?

Queens Park Town FC

Combine the best of your dumb “Charlotte Town” Luton ripoff with a dumb Queens Park Rangers ripoff that plays on your royalty roots. QPR is currently nine spots ahead of Luton Town in the Championship btw. If you cared. Hey, just don’t ignore an opportunity to make the name really, really dumb instead of kind of dumb. You’ ll thank me later.

Intimidator FC

CHARLOTTE. DON’T HIDE FROM WHAT WE ALL KNOW YOU REALLY WANT. EVERYONE ON THE TEAM CAN WEAR 3. RED AND BLACK COLOR SCHEME. GOODWRENCH SPONSOR. THIS IS TOO EASY. DO IT YOU COWARDS. DO IT FOR DALE.


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