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Contentmas Day 21: Did Tharg, The Christmas Paladin, steal your favorite player’s soul?

today in self-indulgent anti-nonsense disguised as nonsense...

O̸v̷e̸r̴ ̴t̴h̸e̷ ̵n̵e̷x̶t̴ ̴2̵5̷ ̵d̷a̶y̴s̴,̸ ̵C̴l̶e̸a̴r̴ ̴&̵ ̴O̶b̴v̸i̶o̶u̴s̶ ̶a̶n̷d̷ ̴D̶S̴S̵ ̸a̶r̸e̶ ̵r̵a̵i̵s̵i̶n̷g̷ ̸m̴o̶n̴e̴y̸ ̵f̸o̶r̶ ̸F̴u̸g̷e̴e̴s̶ ̸F̵a̵m̷i̷l̷y̸ ̶t̴h̷r̶o̵u̴g̸h̸ ̷t̴h̴e̸ ̴p̴o̵w̷e̷r̵ ̶o̸f̵ ̴c̷o̵n̷t̸e̴n̶t̶*̷.̴ ̸O̵u̸r̸ ̷g̴o̷a̸l̴ ̶i̶s̶ ̵f̴o̵r̸ ̷t̶h̸e̷ ̴1̵7̶’̷s̵ ̶t̶o̸ ̸r̷a̶i̵s̸e̷ ̵$̸1̸,̶7̶1̴7̵ ̸t̴h̶i̵s̵ ̸h̵o̵l̴i̸d̸a̶y̶ ̵s̷e̵a̶s̴o̴n̷ ̵f̵o̷r̴ ̴o̷n̵e̷ ̶o̵f̸ ̴o̴u̶r̵ ̴f̵a̶v̴o̴r̵i̸t̷e̵ ̵n̸o̵n̸-̷p̶r̶o̶f̸i̵t̶s̴.̴ ̴W̵e̸’̶v̷e̵ ̴A̷L̵R̸E̶A̶D̴Y̸ ̶M̵E̸T̷ ̵O̸U̴R̸ ̸F̷I̴R̴S̸T̵ ̵G̸O̸A̴L̴ ̵A̶N̷D̴ ̶R̵A̶I̷S̵E̷D̵ ̶$̴3̸,̸0̸0̴0̴.̵ ̴M̶Y̷ ̷G̷O̸D̷.̸ ̵W̷E̴ ̵H̴A̷V̶E̶ ̷A̷ ̴N̸E̸W̵ ̸G̸O̸A̶L̸ ̷N̶O̷W̸.̶ ̷Y̴o̴u̷ ̵c̴a̷n̶ ̵c̷o̴n̴t̸i̸n̵u̴e̸ ̶h̵e̸l̶p̶ ̴u̶s̷ ̵a̸n̶d̸ ̶T̴h̸e̵ ̶F̵u̶g̸e̷e̸s̸ ̵o̵u̵t̵ ̵b̷y̶ ̶d̷o̷n̸a̷t̸i̷n̸g̷ ̷o̸r̷ ̶c̸r̷e̶a̴t̵i̶n̶g̸ ̸y̸o̶u̶r̵ ̴o̸w̴n̷ ̷c̶o̴n̶t̸e̵n̵t̴ ̶(̸E̵m̶a̵i̷l̷ ̶u̶s̶!̸ ̵M̶a̶k̵e̵ ̵a̷ ̵f̶a̸n̵p̷o̸s̶t̵!̵ ̵T̶w̷e̴e̵t̶ ̵s̸o̸m̸e̶t̵h̵i̸n̴g̴!̴)̶ ̴t̷o̸ ̶p̵r̵o̸m̶o̸t̸e̸ ̶t̸h̷e̴ ̵G̷o̶F̸u̴n̸d̶M̸e̵.̵ ̶C̴o̴n̴t̴e̶n̷t̵m̵a̴s̶ ̵i̴s̵ ̶f̵o̵r̴ ̷t̶h̶e̶ ̵p̸e̸o̷p̸l̶e̸.̸ ̶Y̶o̴u̵ ̶c̴a̷n̶ ̴d̸o̴n̸a̶t̴e̷ ̵a̴n̵d̵ ̸f̴i̸n̷d̷ ̸o̸u̷t̸ ̸m̵o̵r̷e̶ ̷a̴b̸o̴u̵t̴ ̸F̷u̵g̴e̴e̸s̷ ̵F̸a̸m̵i̵l̷y̴ ̴b̶y̸ ̷g̴o̵i̸n̵g̸ ̸h̴e̴r̵e̴:̸ ̴h̵t̶t̵p̷s̷:̴/̷/̵w̵w̶w̸.̵g̵o̸f̸u̸n̶d̸m̵e̷.̸c̴o̷m̷/̷f̷/̵d̷s̵s̴-̵d̶r̷i̴v̸e̸-̸f̶o̵r̵-̸t̶h̵e̸-̴f̵u̸g̸e̸e̶s̴

A̵ ̵M̵e̵r̵r̵y̷ ̵H̴a̸p̷p̴y̸ ̴C̴o̸n̴t̸e̸n̷t̵m̴a̸s̵ ̶D̵a̴y̶ ̷#̵2̶1̸ ̴t̵o̸ ̷y̷o̵u̴.̴

̷*̶n̴o̴t̸ ̸a̴ļ̸̶͚̈p̶̸̬ḙ̴̵̷̷̴͔̗͔̩̝͐f̶͙̬̻̫̤̞͐̔̔̾̎͝͝ͅń̸̞̬̺̲̆̀͑͝l̾l̳͙͍͉͇͋̈͐̑̎ḭ͑n̷̶̠͂ň͖̹͖̝̀̅̑͐̾t̋ ̴e̶y̷̩͋ḗ͉̾w̩͌̐a̦̽͝͠ĉ̖a̷̴͇͔̠̬̱̓͌̿͊͘ů̐̎o̵̸̚r̴h

https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees


Legitimate chance this has happened. How can you tell? That’s easy.

Brad Guzan

MLS: MLS Cup Conference Finals-Toronto FC at Atlanta United FC John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Our last available picture of Brad. Appears to be full of Christmas spirit. Possibly resentful of holidays in general but understanding of their morale boosting qualities. No real signs of Tharg anywhere in this picture. Going to have say he’s ok.

Tito Villalba

MLS: MLS Cup Conference Finals-Toronto FC at Atlanta United FC Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

Ok, here, notice how Tito’s eyes are pointed upward on the outside. They’re basically making a V shape. His arms are raised slightly above his torso. His hair appears to be pushed back.

None of this has anything to do with Tharg, Tito is probably just concentrating on running with the ball. Going to go ahead and say he’s safe.

Julian Gressel

MLS: MLS Cup Conference Finals-Toronto FC at Atlanta United FC John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

A fascinating posture here. Shoulders slumped. Head down. Sitting down on the turf. All indications of sadness and subconscious worries about fair wages for labor.

Something interesting that happens when Tharg takes your soul is the Scorpius Effect and obviously Julian isn’t showing any signs of that here so, yeah, he’s going to be fine.

Pity Martinez

MLS: San Jose Earthquakes at Atlanta United FC Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

For years we’ve seen Christmanauts try and thwart the worst intentions of Tharg who continuously uses possession to gather the remains of what’s left of others after the winter solstice. The Christmanauts are trained from birth to detect the time path of The Tharged and to make sure that their paths intersect under the parameters set by the human form, often leading to Christmanauts and The Tharged attending the same schools, working in the same offices, playing on the same teams, etc. Once the Christmanauts have earned the trust of the others, they’ll disable the possessed’s ability to spread by giving a simple squeeze on the collarbone when The Tharged are least expecting it.

That’s clearly not what’s happening here, Brandon and Pity are simply teammates and are congratulating each other on a well-earned win in front of the home crowd.

Josef Martinez

MLS: MLS Cup Playoffs-Round One-New England Revolution at ATLANTA United FC John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Oh boy.

Well.

The glowing hair. The pained expression. The clenched fist clearly preparing for inter-dimensional combat. The red stained teeth from the flesh of untamed reindeer that wander the Netherforest beyond the Gumdrop Mountains. The inscription of what I can only assume is the writings of Jack the Winter Prophet stained in ink on his left arm. All of these things are clear signs of a soul irreclaimable from Tharg.

No third arm though, so definitely still ok.