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Contentmas Day 23: A Hater’s Guide to Contentmas

Trash. Trash everywhere. And it’s on fire. And the fire is on fire.

Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND OUR SECOND GOAL AND HAVE RAISED $3,500. MY GOD. You can continue to help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees

A Merry Happy Contentmas Day #22 to you.

*not all pieces of content will be winners but hey, what can you do?


For the last 23 days we’ve averaged 1.02 pieces of Contentmas content per day. Naturally, some problems came from this. Here are all of those problems

IN UNRANKED LIST FORM:

  1. Too many of these things were lists
  2. Too many of these things were just the “Blank: Ranked” bit that Deadspin did better
  3. Posting a thing of weird stuff each day just means people become numb to the weirdness and stop finding it interesting
  4. Jon Bois did the video game bit wayyyyyyyy better.
  5. Drew Magary did the Hater’s Guide bit wayyyyyyyy better.
  6. There was that banana thing
  7. There were things that tried to be timely and pop culture relevant and failed. Like that banana thing.
  8. No one knew any of these albums because they have lives.
  9. Oh god the Hamilton thing...
  10. Like three people got the Hamilton thing because they have lives and maybe don’t know the Ten Duel Commandments from the musical Hamilton and maybe don’t understand the Atlanta United deep lore of Frank de Boer saying “Doo-els” a bunch because why would they?
  11. The Hamilton thing that wasn’t nearly as good as the non-contentmas Les Mis thing but desperately wanted to be.
  12. The banana thing actually lost money
  13. Yeah, no, we actually LOST $25 that day.
  14. For a fundraiser.
  15. That makes it the worst content of all time.
  16. Three college football things?
  17. Two of those on the same day?
  18. And the third one is THREE PARTS?
  19. There were like 7,000 words of that. 7,000. The author could have added 7,000 words to that novel he’ll never finish, but nope. Did that.
  20. Ok, the Coach O bit was admittedly pretty good.
  21. The photoshops were all very bad
  22. Probably because the creator can’t afford actual photoshop and used a website that emulates photoshop
  23. And is also bad at photoshop.
  24. We promised to give away a kickasserole and then the day we went to actually buy the thing off Etsy, the Etsy shop had closed down because of overordering and now the person who donated and won the kickasserole has to wait at least another month to get his kickasserole and will have to spend the entirety of his holidays baking with some completely drab and boring piece of cookware.
  25. We started by talking about God which is probably the worst place to start on a first date
  26. And that triggered that Ted guy who is very annoying about pro/rel which is an even worse place to start than God.
  27. See

28. We looked back through this guys tweets instead of searching for it thinking it would be quicker but no, my gosh, it took 15 minutes to get back to December 1st. It was an extremely dark time.

29. We ran out of ideas after day 12.

30. That’s how we ended up with Christmas Armas.

31. Too much Jeff Larentowicz.

32. Seriously, like how were 1/5 of these things about Jeff Larentowicz.

33. What are you gonna do, just shut the website down when you don’t have Jeff Larentowicz retires?

34. No no, it’s cool, you’ve only been doing that bit for over two years now. Keep doing Jeff Larentowicz stuff.

35. Jeff Larentowicz.

36. Kickasserole.

37. Mission Crepe.

38. The Christmas Carol thing made no sense structurally.

39. On top of that, you have to understand a previous bit about Mike Petke to really even get all of it.

40. Not everyone is going to understand the reference to Mike Petke screaming terrible things at a referee and then losing his job over those terrible things because most people don’t even know that Salt Lake has a soccer team, let alone the exploits of Mike Petke.

41. It was also too long.

42. My god, the banana thing, yikes.

43. The MLS Cup one was pretty ok actually.

44. Kind of...normcore though...

45. Like if you had a bot read 1,000 sports blogs it would come up with that particular article.

46. No one cares about who Haris Kruskic would lose to in a fight

47. Was this maybe supposed to spark a larger discussion about which Atlanta United players would win in a battle royale therefore leading to a groundswell of covert advertising for Contentmas? Yes. Did it work? No.

48. Too many rhetorical questions.

49. Ohmygod I just remembered another piece of college football based content.

50. How often are you going to go back to that Burning Big Tex photo?

51. The banana thing lost $25.

52. $25

53. For charity.

54. The Nashville Guide actually got traction and people read it and stuff so that was good actually

55. But the banana thing.

56. We got in a rush and didn’t want to wait for the other pieces to post when we wrote this so we didn’t link those

57. The Roundtable was good, glad Parker invoked that.

58. Half the things weren’t even actual cheats though.

59. The Charlotte piece was just an excuse for the author to tell the Pink Building story and it wasn’t nearly as interesting as he thought it was.

60. The MLS Combine thing just being American Gladiators is a great example of finding a mediocre idea and really sticking with it.

61. The author of this piece is running out of ideas to get the end of this just like they did with actual Contentmas.

62. They’re probably just going to repost The Night Before Larentowiczmas tomorrow. Again.

63. Too many things on this list are in-jokes that no one will find funny except two people and one of those is the author

64. Tharg.

65. Tharg? Seriously?

66. The author did not acknowledge that Tharg, despite being unknown to him, was actually a real british comic book character so...there are no original ideas.

67. The weird Tharg bit was basically just Gorchul the Dark Sorcerer of Time but with different paint.

68. One of the posts posted at 4:20 A.M. because the author thought that was funny

69. Neat.

70. The author thinks that bit is still funny.

71. The tense on this thing has been wild. Is it “we” is it “you” is it “the author.” Who is even being addressed here? And by who?

72. The author fails to realize that we just let him write things despite you knowing that no one is paying attention at this point.

73. All of these pieces were words and stuff and there was no video or anything actually interesting

74. The

75. Author

76. Is

77. Clearly

78. and

79. Arbitrarily

80. Putting

81. These

82. Numbers

83. In

84. Front

85. Of

86. Things

87. In

88. An

89. Attempt

90. To

91. Get

92. To

93. One-hundred

94. Things

95. On

96. This

97. List

98. ...

99. Dammit.