Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND RAISED $3,000. MY GOD. WE HAVE A NEW GOAL NOW. You can continue help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees

A Merry Happy Contentmas Day #24 to you.

*not all pieces of content will be winners but hey, what can you do?

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**This originally ran last Christmas Eve and the Christmas Eve before it but J. Sam threatened us if we didn’t run it again. We agreed but made fun of him for how often the meter isn’t even close to fitting.

***If reading is too hard, the brilliant and talented Kyle Tait (@TaitVoice) has an audiobook version included below. Happy Holidays.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that St. Nicholas, soon would be there.

-

But he would not soon appear, for a mistake had occurred

The big man in red had been injured at work

A new deer with astigmatism, unable to see

Had flown he and Santa straight into a tree

-

A replacement was wanted, and they needed one fast

Before Christmas present, became Christmas past

A name was selected, entirely at random

Perhaps this person and Santa could save Christmas in tandem

-

The elves rushed the new Santa straight to the pole

And introduced him to the Santa we’ve all come to know

He said, “I’m Ashley Cole.” “You sure are!” Santa laughed

And began to explain Santa’s numerous tasks

-

“I’m Ashley Cole.’ this new Santa decreed

“We’ve established that,” said the old Santa with speed

“I’m Ashley Cole?” the new Santa inquired

Santa looked towards his elves and said simply, “You’re fired.”

-

The replacement went home, back to L.A.

While the elves and Santa, pondered and prayed

“We need someone smart, efficient and brave.”

“Someone who performs, well past young age”

-

“I know just the man!” Santa cried from his chair

The perfect replacement, he could now declare.

He informed the elves, and they scattered en masse

To set up a flight: ‘North Pole Air’, first class

-

They rushed the man there, the new Christmas savior

To ask if he could possibly do them a favor

He stepped off the sleigh, his brain on the fritz

The banner said “Welcome’” to Mr. Jeff Larentowicz

-

“Welcome dear Jeff,” Santa said with a smile

“We need you to put on the red suit for a while.”

“Santa’s back has been hurt, I can’t pull my own weight

“It’s not too hard a job, but you do stay up late.”

-

Larentowicz paused, still too shocked to answer

He had just flown in on a reindeer named “Dancer”

Just like in stories young Jeff had been read before sleep

Before he’d become the best player in the league

-

He considered the offer, perhaps for too long

Santa Claus noticed that something was wrong

“Jeff my dear boy, I thought you’d be ready to play

I can’t think of anyone else that can save Christmas today.”

-

“I’m up to the task,” Jeff said. “In fact, I don’t fear it.”

“But I am afraid that I’ve lost all my Christmas spirit.”

Elven heads turned, the workshop came to a halt

The North Pole was used to snow, not salt.

-

“I know,” Santa said “And I ask you forgive me.”

“But the gift you asked for did not fit by the tree.”

“As much as we tried, it just didn’t make sense.”

“We couldn’t make your teammates like you, playing perfect defense.”

-

Jeff looked at Santa, he was telling the truth

And the request at its core seemed rather uncouth

It was too much to ask, he understood why

If the defense was gifted perfection, then no one would try

-

But Jeff still felt unsure, because after all

Time spent in the sleigh was time spent off the ball

The new season was not far away

Jeff didn’t have time to take a free day

-

Because how else would he stay the best player in the league

He couldn’t watch tape while drained by Christmas fatigue

He’d be missing sprints, and his fifth practice of the day

He would need more than Santa to convince him to stay

-

Santa sensed hesitation, he knew it was dire

He needed someone to motivate and inspire

Time was running low, he didn’t know how long to go on

Santa asked for the secret weapon, Miguel Almiron

-

Miguel emerged from a door, just off to the side

Jeff stood and stared, his mouth open wide

Miguel looked back, wearing a customary smile

He knew an explanation might take a while

-

“Why are you here?” Jeff asked the Paraguayan

“I know why I’ve come but how do you tie in?”

“They love me here.” Miggy said to Larentowicz

“I’m always happy, I’m always smiling, it just fits.”

-

“I hear you’re unsure,” Miguel said to Jeff

“As far as Christmas spirit goes, you’ve got nothing left.”

“But Jeff you must do it, it’s easy to pick.

“Save all of Christmas or be kind of a dick.”

-

“These kids, they all need you to show what it’s like

“To have perfect positioning night after night.

“They’ll feel the same way you do, when you make a great clearance

“If Larentowicz-Claus were to make an appearance.”

-

Jeff pondered the words of the smiling man

And quickly began to formulate a plan

He would take over as Santa, and deliver with speed

With efficiency like that the world had not seen

-

He jumped in the sleigh, a surrogate Santa

And delivered the toys from Istanbul to Atlanta

He made record time, he flew round the world

Passing out toys to the good boys and girls

-

He dropped off presents and ignored the cookies and milk

He wouldn’t be like those of the ilk

Who ignored their preplanned offseason meals

And stumbled into the season stomach well over heels

-

He delivered each present, some with a Larentowicz twist

Giving practical gifts, such as socks and the number of a good opthamologist

He gave out luggage and batteries and rolls of quarters galore

He gave out the “Larentowicz Difference™” advice book, now available in stores

-

Then he returned to the workshop, garnering praise

Santa, Miguel and the Elves asked him to stay for multiple days

But he left to go practice, to do the offseason right

Saying “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

Except Orlando fans, who can honest to God be kicked into the ocean for all I care. Holy smokes they’re annoying and I’m not sure they know how to read.”

THE END