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Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND RAISED $3,000. MY GOD. WE HAVE A NEW GOAL NOW. You can continue help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees
A Merry Happy Contentmas Day #24 to you.
*not all pieces of content will be winners but hey, what can you do?
**This originally ran last Christmas Eve and the Christmas Eve before it but J. Sam threatened us if we didn’t run it again. We agreed but made fun of him for how often the meter isn’t even close to fitting.
***If reading is too hard, the brilliant and talented Kyle Tait (@TaitVoice) has an audiobook version included below. Happy Holidays.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas, soon would be there.
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But he would not soon appear, for a mistake had occurred
The big man in red had been injured at work
A new deer with astigmatism, unable to see
Had flown he and Santa straight into a tree
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A replacement was wanted, and they needed one fast
Before Christmas present, became Christmas past
A name was selected, entirely at random
Perhaps this person and Santa could save Christmas in tandem
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The elves rushed the new Santa straight to the pole
And introduced him to the Santa we’ve all come to know
He said, “I’m Ashley Cole.” “You sure are!” Santa laughed
And began to explain Santa’s numerous tasks
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“I’m Ashley Cole.’ this new Santa decreed
“We’ve established that,” said the old Santa with speed
“I’m Ashley Cole?” the new Santa inquired
Santa looked towards his elves and said simply, “You’re fired.”
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The replacement went home, back to L.A.
While the elves and Santa, pondered and prayed
“We need someone smart, efficient and brave.”
“Someone who performs, well past young age”
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“I know just the man!” Santa cried from his chair
The perfect replacement, he could now declare.
He informed the elves, and they scattered en masse
To set up a flight: ‘North Pole Air’, first class
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They rushed the man there, the new Christmas savior
To ask if he could possibly do them a favor
He stepped off the sleigh, his brain on the fritz
The banner said “Welcome’” to Mr. Jeff Larentowicz
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“Welcome dear Jeff,” Santa said with a smile
“We need you to put on the red suit for a while.”
“Santa’s back has been hurt, I can’t pull my own weight
“It’s not too hard a job, but you do stay up late.”
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Larentowicz paused, still too shocked to answer
He had just flown in on a reindeer named “Dancer”
Just like in stories young Jeff had been read before sleep
Before he’d become the best player in the league
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He considered the offer, perhaps for too long
Santa Claus noticed that something was wrong
“Jeff my dear boy, I thought you’d be ready to play
I can’t think of anyone else that can save Christmas today.”
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“I’m up to the task,” Jeff said. “In fact, I don’t fear it.”
“But I am afraid that I’ve lost all my Christmas spirit.”
Elven heads turned, the workshop came to a halt
The North Pole was used to snow, not salt.
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“I know,” Santa said “And I ask you forgive me.”
“But the gift you asked for did not fit by the tree.”
“As much as we tried, it just didn’t make sense.”
“We couldn’t make your teammates like you, playing perfect defense.”
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Jeff looked at Santa, he was telling the truth
And the request at its core seemed rather uncouth
It was too much to ask, he understood why
If the defense was gifted perfection, then no one would try
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But Jeff still felt unsure, because after all
Time spent in the sleigh was time spent off the ball
The new season was not far away
Jeff didn’t have time to take a free day
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Because how else would he stay the best player in the league
He couldn’t watch tape while drained by Christmas fatigue
He’d be missing sprints, and his fifth practice of the day
He would need more than Santa to convince him to stay
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Santa sensed hesitation, he knew it was dire
He needed someone to motivate and inspire
Time was running low, he didn’t know how long to go on
Santa asked for the secret weapon, Miguel Almiron
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Miguel emerged from a door, just off to the side
Jeff stood and stared, his mouth open wide
Miguel looked back, wearing a customary smile
He knew an explanation might take a while
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“Why are you here?” Jeff asked the Paraguayan
“I know why I’ve come but how do you tie in?”
“They love me here.” Miggy said to Larentowicz
“I’m always happy, I’m always smiling, it just fits.”
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“I hear you’re unsure,” Miguel said to Jeff
“As far as Christmas spirit goes, you’ve got nothing left.”
“But Jeff you must do it, it’s easy to pick.
“Save all of Christmas or be kind of a dick.”
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“These kids, they all need you to show what it’s like
“To have perfect positioning night after night.
“They’ll feel the same way you do, when you make a great clearance
“If Larentowicz-Claus were to make an appearance.”
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Jeff pondered the words of the smiling man
And quickly began to formulate a plan
He would take over as Santa, and deliver with speed
With efficiency like that the world had not seen
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He jumped in the sleigh, a surrogate Santa
And delivered the toys from Istanbul to Atlanta
He made record time, he flew round the world
Passing out toys to the good boys and girls
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He dropped off presents and ignored the cookies and milk
He wouldn’t be like those of the ilk
Who ignored their preplanned offseason meals
And stumbled into the season stomach well over heels
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He delivered each present, some with a Larentowicz twist
Giving practical gifts, such as socks and the number of a good opthamologist
He gave out luggage and batteries and rolls of quarters galore
He gave out the “Larentowicz Difference™” advice book, now available in stores
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Then he returned to the workshop, garnering praise
Santa, Miguel and the Elves asked him to stay for multiple days
But he left to go practice, to do the offseason right
Saying “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night
Except Orlando fans, who can honest to God be kicked into the ocean for all I care. Holy smokes they’re annoying and I’m not sure they know how to read.”