Every Day Should Be Soccerday: A trophy for each MLS rivalry

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College football has some insane trophies. As I sat there last Saturday watching a bunch of youths celebrate with a giant axe, I realized that in MLS’ relentless pursuit of rivalship (which, to be fair, is inherently funand good even if it’s overbearing at times), the key ingredient they’d been missing is some insane ass trophies.

Now, some of you have already pointed out to me that a few of these trophies actually exist. Like nerds, like the biggest damn nerds, my god please get out of my mentions. And anyway, those trophies suck and no one knows about them. Except the Trillium Cup. Long live the Trillium Cup.

Here are some suggestions for MLS Rivalry Week trophies.

Atlanta United-Orlando City: The big ole peach flavored vape

The perfect trophies take cues from both team’s cultures and intersects them gracefully.

D.C. United-New York Red Bulls: The flaming subway car that’s definitely ruining someone’s commute, but hey what can you do?

Portland Timbers-Seattle Sounders: The Umbrellaxe

Half umbrella. Half axe. All PNW.

FC Dallas vs. Houston Dynamo: apparently they actually already play for a cannon called El Capitan this is amazing why do they not promote this more

Winner should get to fire the other team’s mascot out of the stadium. Actually, they should probably just do this anyway, Tex Hooper is a nightmare.

Bonus idea: The Flaming Big Tex

Yes, it does seem entirely appropriate that several of my MLS trophy ideas involve things being on fire, I agree.

Bonus to the Bonus Idea: Let the winner of El Capitan fire the other team’s flaming mascot out of El Capitan into Big Tex thereby setting him on fire in a weird Burning Man-Texas State Fair-Viking Funeral-Furry Convention hybrid.

New York City FC vs. New York Red Bulls: The Energy Bird

Lol it’s just like...a pigeon with empty Red Bull cans just scattered at the base and when you press a button the pigeon vibrates uncontrollably.

Atlanta United-Nashville SC: The City of Chattanooga

Winner’s state gets the entire city. And the aquarium. Especially the aquarium actually. Give us the aquarium. We need a second aquarium.

Toronto FC vs. Montreal Impact: PLAY FOR A MOOSE YOU COWARDS

The winning team has to house and care for this moose in a habitat outside their training ground until they lose again. The moose can be traded for GAM but not TAM. You know why.

FC Cincinnati vs. Columbus Crew SC: The Pitchfork

Hell is Real...and so is the pitchfork please be careful when celebrating with it, it is very very dangerous, we already lost Will Trapp.

LAFC vs. LA Galaxy: The El Trafi-Copa

It’s a trophy featuring an image of a shirtless Zlatan, and a bored Carlos Vela stuck in a sea of Prius's on the 405.

LA Galaxy-San Jose: The Donovan

A bust of Landon’s head with an exchangeable hair piece. When San Jose wins his hair line comes forward and when LA wins it recedes.

Atlanta United-Red Bulls

I think they actually played for a trophy once. Not sure what happened.

Hold on, lemme check...

...

Oh ok, yep found it.

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