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Your ATLUTD Holiday Shopping Guide

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I am become Kickasserole destroyer of mundane baking

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Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND RAISED $2,000. MY GOD. WE HAVE A NEW GOAL NOW. You can continue help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees

A Merry Happy Contentmas to you.

*not all pieces of content will be winners but hey, what can you do?


Hat.

Do you love Atlanta United? Do you despise the person who sits behind you? Are you an MLS themed Presidential impersonator who portrays Five Stripes Abraham Lincoln? Are you a soccer voodoo practitioner? Are you Slash?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then this hat is for you. If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, please contact me immediately it is my life’s purpose to profile you. If you answered yes to only the last question, please contact me I need to tell you that you make bad art.

Kevin Kratz Wood Jersey - Possibly signed

$199.99 USD

Would you like a wooden representation of the player who made two whole substitute for Atlanta United appearances in 2019? How do you feel about paying more than Kevin Kratz’s entire salary for it? What if I told you someone definitely signed it and that it’s totally plausible it might be Kevin Kratz himself? Who is that you ask? He made two whole substitute appearances for Atlanta United in 2019, that’s who. $200.

Fanatics Branded Atlanta United FC vs. Orlando City SC Women’s Heather Gray MLS

For the person in your life who likes to inform people that they may choose a team to cheer for. Or something.

I’m going to level with y’all this one has broken my brain.

Hahahhahahhaha.........HHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA...........HJAHSDHFAKSDHFAKSDHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHHAHAHAA *dies*

Brek Shea.

You can’t get this collection of pictures anywhere else. How could you possibly? In that order? Situated in those positions? No, this is the kind of quality you get from professional craftsmanship. You want it done good, fast or cheap? You can only pick two. Except in this case. You get all three. It’s only $50. Delivery may not actually be fast.

Atlanta United FC Fanatics Branded Women’s Disney Mickey True Original Seal

Murdearings

Do you love Atlanta United? Do you love...*checking*...having the potential fatal impalement of friends/family members/innocent bystanders/yourself constantly being the only thought your brain will allow to have every time you move your head?

THE FAN CAVVVVVEEEEEE

WELCOME TO THE FANNN CAVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEe, ARE YOU FANNNNNNN ENOUGH? ARE YOU AN ATLANTA UNITED FAN? BECAUSE IF YOU READ THE SIGN YOU’LL SEE THAT IN THE FANNNNNNNNN CAAAAAAVVVVVVEEEEEEE IT IS ONLY ATLANTA UNITED FANS ONLY. AND IF YOU’RE NOT AN ATLANTA UNITED FAN, WELL THEN YOU CAN GET THE HECK OUT OF THE FAN CAVE MY DAD IS A LAWYER AND HE WILL SUE YOU SO HARD FOR DESECRATING THE FAN CAVE OK FINE MY DAD SELLS INSURANCE BUT THE FAN CAAAVVVEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEE IS REAL AND IT IS REAL AND IT IS AN ACTUAL CCCCCCCAAAAAAVVVVVEEEEEE WITH BEARS AND CAVE DRAWINGS AND OK IT IS AN OVERSIZED CLOSET MY WIFE WILL NOT LET ME BUILD AN ACTUAL CAVE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES WE WATCH BATMAN BEGINS TOGETHER OK FINE I DO NOT HAVE A WIFE WELCOME TO THE FAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN CAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE.

$60.00 USD

Atlanta United 2015 Boxing Day Scarf RARE

ok so this one is actually pretty cool. it’s also worth my entire share of the rent. so. idk, someone sell one of these scarves and give it to me to pay my rent.

MATCHDAY Atlanta United FC Inaugural Season Game Program Josef Martinez 9-10-17

Price: $50.00 USD

50. Dollars.

For a program.

I probably have this program stuck under the seat of my car. Go check your car, it’s probably there. I swear if any of y’all actually buy this. Do not buy this. I will send the copy under my car seat to you for free instead. I will come to your house and show you where your copy is hiding under your car seat. Do not buy this. My god. This is somehow the most infuriating one on here. It’s making me break character. I’m hyperventilating. The world is going bla—

Framed (!) Match-used (!) Autographed (!) mikey ambrose (road) jersey

Wait.

Wait for it.

Wait for the prestige.

We’re almost there.

Waaiitt for itttt...

Annnddd....

....

...

...

...

...................

Annnnddddd......

PRESTIGE.

2018 Atlanta United FC MLS Championship Ring

Very real. Anywhere from $229 to $389. Price difference due to quality of alumin—I mean diamonds. Please Venmo all orders to Sam-Jones-91. Very Real.

(Atlanta United) Adidas Parley RARE White Jersey For The Oceans Sz Large EUC

This is it. The one and only Atlanta United Parley Kit. Look at it. It says MLS on it. It says Adidas on it. It even has a tag on the bottom that says parley. That means it’s real. A real parley kit. For Atlanta United. It does not say Atlanta United on it until you get it in the sun. Real Green New Deal stuff. A solar powered jersey. Parley jersey. In the flesh. Wow.

$225.00 USD

Atlanta United FC ZooZatz Women’s Focus Sweatshirt Dress - Heathered Gray

IT IS A HOODIE. DRESS. A HOODRESS. OR UH. A SWEATSKIRT.

I do not wear dresses or skirts. If I did, I would wear them exclusively in sweatskirt form.

Official 2018 Atlanta United FC Major League Soccer MLS Cup Championship Ring

The other ring was far too expensive. This ring is definitely better. And cheaper. Why waste money on the lesser ring?

2018 Atlanta United FC Major League Soccer MLS Cup Championship Ring 8-14Size

OK, lol, screw that other tacky ring. This is the real ring. The other rings? Fake. I know right. Shocking. That someone would stoop so low and try and take people’s hard earned money like that. Unreal. Venmo Sam-Jones-91 if you agree, I will send you the real 2018 Atlanta United FC Major League Soccer MLS Cup Championship Ring, not the fake one, the other ones are fake.

Kickasserole

KICKASSEROLE.

Have you ever wanted to make a casserole AND kick ass AND show your love for Atlanta United? Do all three. Do it. Do all three now.

Sturdy enough for any of your baking/cooking needs. Heavy enough to bludgeon your enemies. The kickasserole is perfect for anyone you know. Anyone. Know you have ever come into contact with would reject this as form of gift or sacrifice or dowry or whatever you’re about. Give them a kickasserole. Get yourself one. Get yourself ten.

And then sell all of this trash for profit and donate to The Fugees.

Except the kickasserole, keep the kickasserole.

Kickasserole.

Actually what if we just gave you a kickasserole? Donate $10 or more and include the word kickasserole in your description of why you donated and we will buy you a kickasserole. I’m not kidding. Ok I’m kind of kidding. We’re going to give away one to a lucky winner.

Merry Happy Contentmas.

Kickasserole.


Anyway, donate to Fugees Family here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees