Over the next 25 days, Clear & Obvious and DSS are raising money for Fugees Family through the power of content*. Our goal is for the 17’s to raise $1,717 this holiday season for one of our favorite non-profits. We’ve ALREADY MET OUR FIRST GOAL AND RAISED $2,800. MY GOD. WE HAVE A NEW GOAL NOW. You can continue help us and The Fugees out by donating or creating your own content (Email us! Make a fanpost! Tweet something!) to promote the GoFundMe. Contentmas is for the people. You can donate and find out more about Fugees Family by going here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees
A Merry Happy Contentmas Day #9 to you.
*not all pieces of content will be winners but hey, what can you do?
A conversation the boys of Dirty South Soccer dot com semi-regularly have, and one you may often have with your friends, is “Which Atlanta United players we could beat in a fight?” These conversations go about how you would expect. Most everyone concedes that they would in fact get destroyed by the professional athletes in question, however a few of us posture and throw out high school athletic achievements and weight classes and try and convince an extremely skeptical audience that we could maintain the coordination and stamina and punching power to beat up an extremely in-shape human. Not that we want to. It’s just to say that we could. Everything about this is totally normal and not in any way problematic and a larger indication of the societal norms holding humanity back.
Anyway, I’d like to present today’s challenger: Haris Kruskic. Haris keeps saying he’s going to write this article every time the conversation comes up. Haris will never ever write this article. So I’m going to do it for him.
Let’s do this by tiers of our assumptions of Atlanta United player fighting prowess (based on no real understanding of fighting—None of use have probably ever been in an actual fight—but mostly just height and visible muscle.).
First though, the tale of the tape on Haris.
Height: 6’ 1”
Reach: Unknown, but probably a little above average
Tier One: Josef Martinez, Jeff Larentowicz and Brad Guzan
There are two people you absolutely do not want to fight under any circumstances. You will not win. They are:
- The craziest guy in the room
- Your Dad.
There is one person you absolutely do not want to even be in the remote vicinity of a fight involving them due to fear of collateral damage:
- A combination of the two who doesn’t even know what a “carb” is at this point and doesn’t want to find out because it might throw off his current bulk cycle.
Sorry Haris, no chance here bud.
Tier Two: Miles Robinson, Leandro Gonzalez-Pirez and Alec Kann
Miles is tier two because he’s definitely one of the biggest and strongest guys on the team, but he’s also probably the nicest. Like Haris is still definitely getting his arm torn from his socket, but Miles will definitely apologize for it while he’s doing it. Miles might even show mercy.
Leandro is here because he’s pretty big in his own right (6’ 2”, 193), is also very nice, but has a certain hidden anger that could easily come out in a fight. No chance Haris wins a fight if the other combatant has blacked out from rage and won’t even remember how the person with his leg snapped in half ended up in front of him.
Alec is also all of these things. Big, nice, kind of quiet, would take Haris by the foot and beat Haris with his own foot.
Sorry Haris, don’t think we can give you a chance here either.
Tier Three: Tito Villalba, Julian Gressel and Franco Escobar
There’s clearly a theme here and it’s that we’re gradually moving down in size and Dad-strength. Weight classes exist for a reason y’all. We’ve reached the tier where everyone involve isn’t massive, but is still definitely going to wail on Haris.
Tito could squat a small sedan and would kick Haris into the moon. Franco is far to handsome to even consider hitting and therefore Haris would have to withhold any punches out of respect. And then he would get kicked into the moon. And then there’s Julian who has clearly added muscle each year since the team began and one time bodied Jozy Altidore to hell and back. So yeah. Haris getting bodied into the moon here.
0 for 3 here Haris, sorrrrry.
Tier Four: Brooks Lennon, Mo Adams and Luiz Fernando
We’re starting to get into guys that Haris definitely has a size advantage over. Thing is though, everyone involved feels pretty athletic. I mean we haven’t seen a lot of them yet but we gotta assume they’re at least more athletic than Haris. Haris also jinxed the hell out of Liverpool in the 2018 Champions League final by showing up to a Liverpool bar as a City fan and I gotta think Brooks Lennon wants revenge for that. Most likely Haris gets tackled immediately and punched in the face repeatedly by either of these guys.
Going to have to give the edge to everyone but Haris.
Tier Five: Brendan Moore
Not entirely sure who this is. Haris is getting thumped.
Tier Six: Emerson Hyndman, Dion Perreira and Eric Remedi
These are probably the smallest guys on the team who aren’t in our final tier. Haris is definitely much bigger. However, this one time Haris won a contest to kick a 20-yard field goal at halftime of a football game. If he made it, he won Chick-fil-a for life. He didn’t make it but the crowd thought he did so they cheered Haris for missing a chip shot. None of these guys are missing this field goal so I gotta think they’re breaking Haris in half like Bane did to Batman.
Tier Seven: George Bello and Andrew Carleton
Look these folks are in our final tier because they’re teenagers and they’re on the smaller side. Bello has been bulking for sure but still, he’s like 17. You just don’t even remotely have the dad-strength you need to win fights. Haris has a huge size advantage on both of them. He’s got age on his side. And he’s very determined. I once watched him eat like 30 wings in a sitting. He follows MMA and wrestling pretty closely so there’s a good chance he understands some pretty intricate nuances of fighting and how to win should things go to the ground like most fights do.
But he spells y’all like “ya’ll” so, going to have to say Bello and Carleton take his pinky fingers off and then throw him into the nearest river.
Anyway, donate to Fugees Family here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dss-drive-for-the-fugees