Clear and Obvious: We couldn’t get an interview with Blue Man Group about playing halftime in Orlando

After their halftime performance at Orlando City’s Exploria Stadium on Wednesday night, Clear and Obvious was lucky enough to sit down with Blue Man Group to talk about their excellent performance with The Wall

C&O: So what was your experience at Exploria Stadium like?

BMG:

C&O: Was it what y’all expected or...?

BMG:

C&O: Are y’all soccer fans?

BMG: [trying to communicate in morse code or some crap]

C&O: ok, I don’t know what that me—

BMG: [More bs stick hitting]

C&O: Look if y’all could be quiet for a second we could get the inter—

BMG: [just a got damn awful racket]

C&O: Ok. I’m going to step out. Get it together while I’m gone.

C&O: [Leaves the interview.]

C&O: [Turns down the hallway. Something catches their eye.]

C&O: [Drawn to the light and warmth emanating from the source of the distraction, they move closer. Any apprehension has dissipated. They feel more...well, it’s hard to describe, but “at home” than ever as they take measured steps toward the distraction. They turn the corner.]

C&O: [It’s...a person. Huddled. They’re wrapped in a Sesame Street blanket. Crocs stick out from under the frayed end of the blanket’s bottom. C&O reaches out to touch the blanketed man. He wheels around wildly.]

C&O: [Recoils]

C&O: I feel like I’m supposed to help you.

Ashley Cole: I’m Ashley Cole.

C&O: Ashley Cole, how can I help you?

Ashley Cole: I’m Ashley Cole.

C&O: I don’t know if I have that in me...

Ashley Cole: I’m Ashley Cole.

C&O: I never thought about it that way.

Ashley Cole: [Motions to follow. He takes off running through a door. Well, it’s kind of a door. It’s more of a portal (?). There’s only light through the entrance. Nothing tangible. Only light.]

C&O: [Follows through the door. They’re enveloped in light. Suddenly there is nothing. Only a vast expanse of white and Ashley Cole. They stand on nothing, yet they still stand. There is no weight pulling either of them down.]

C&O: Why am I here?

Ashley Cole: I’m Ashley Cole.

C&O: Well, I don’t know, I think the secret service agent jumps onto the car and accidentally fires. Why else would his head go back like that? Oswald was hundreds of yards behind him.

Ashley Cole: [Concedes.]

C&O: [Looks up and notices a box now both descending and ascending to where they are. There is no up or down here. The box arrives and slowly unfolds itself, revealing a box set of Dawson’s Creek Season Three DVDs.]

Ashley Cole: [Springs on top of the box set and begins eating them. It’s feeding time.]

C&O: Ashley, how can I finish my interview with Blue Man Group? They don’t articulate things the way you do.

C&O: [Notices that 50 Ashley Coles have suddenly surrounded him. The warmth has lifted and the room feels cold. Unbearably cold.]

C&O: [Surrenders as the certainty of what’s about to happen becomes wholly apparent. It is indeed feeding time.]

Ashley Coles: Pacey. Pacey. Pacey.

C&O: [Realizes his stark resemblance to Joshua Jackson, the actor who expertly performed as Pacey Whitter through 6 remarkable seasons of ups and downs in romance, life and learning how to grow up in a small town during the run of Dawson’s Creek.]

Ashley Coles: [Inch closer]

C&O: [Closes eyes. Screams. Mid-scream, something has changed. Opens eyes. He is screaming at Blue Man Group.]

BMG: You’re ******* weird man.

C&O: But...but Ashley Cole...and Pacey...and.....

BMG: [Leaves interview. As they walk down the hall, something catches their eye...]

Jermaine Jones: Yo, C&O have you ever thought about what it’d be like if the RSL cat was the Zodiac Killer?

C&O: Shut up Jermaine Jones, who has been here literally the whole time. None of this is a cry for help.