Clear & Obvious: Welcome to MLS, St. Louis! (Now fix your sins unto God)

“Clear & Obvious” is a new kind of sort of vertical/brand/excuse for us to make fun of the deeply strange and wonderful world of MLS. Please take it very seriously.

Hi St. Louis. Congrats on the MLS team. We hope you’ll enjoy learning the names of Stanford graduates who have suddenly appeared on your roster as centerbacks despite you being almost positive they weren’t there the day before just as much as we do.

But first, why?

And secondly, why?

Why, what? Why this you monsters.

You thought people were going to forget about this? No. Clear and Obvious remembers. The news cycle just didn’t move fast enough for you to escape this. We hope you lose every game by 40. We hope that you get to MLS Cup every year and lose in the sixth minute of stoppage time. We hope you’re forced to sign Will Johnson AND Felipe. We hope each game has the aesthetic appeal of the laziest US Open Cup game. We hope you make the playoffs before Orlando does because honestly that would just be funny. We hope that Cardinals fans protest outside every game because of the communist sport your city is now beholden too. But mostly, we hope you get your stuff together. Because we want to like you. And we believe in change. Except with bagels. You’re all monsters.

Welcome to MLS, heathens.