Clear & Obvious: Father’s Days - Ranked

Happy belated from your pals at Clear & Obvious. A blessed Father’s Day to you and yours. Here’s a completely inarguable list.

9) 3-3

This may actually be the “best” game in this whole series. But it’s more like a hectic father’s day instead of an enjoyable one. One where you’re scrambling to get to your reservation on time and your Mom is complaining about how late you are while your Dad is annoyed that he’s being dragged out to lunch anyway when all he wanted was to fall asleep in his recliner with a glass of middle shelf whiskey in his hand. Sure, the meal will be good. But is all this effort what you really wanted?

Anyway, Josef scores three times here. The first three times he ever scored against Orlando actually. This is the origin story. The moment of conception even (sorry).

8) 1-0 Atlanta

A game that definitely happened. It’s above the 3-3 game because Atlanta won. Also because of Dom Dwyer. Dwyer, perhaps the most valuable player for Atlanta in this series not named Tito or Josef, went full Dom Dwyer when he just Dwyer’d the hell outta this thing.

Pity also scored, which doesn’t happen much despite his incredible and very real intangibles that definitely exist. Good job Orlando.

7) 2-1 Atlanta

Papa Josef grabs a penalty and a Barco, much like Pity this year, finds a way to score despite...everything about Barco last year. Atlanta hero Justin Meram scores a year early. Will Johnson...

Oh, and Orlando fans get so upset over the (correct) call that instigated the Will Johnson face that they throw trash onto the field because they definitely don’t care at all about beating Atlanta not one bit.

6) 1-0 Josef

The most recent Father’s Day. It’s up this high because we see a fully realized Papa Josef, fresh off “Orlando hahahhahahha”, returning to beat a team that definitely should have won this game, but is legally bound by the universe to fail spectacularly.

5) 1-1 Tito

The closest Orlando has ever come to beating Atlanta. Literally minutes away. God, does that hurt I bet. Being that close. To winning. And then never winning. Thanks to the same dude that beat you the first time. I bet that hurts. A lot. I bet the Orlando City fans who clicked this wanna tweet about it. Go ahead. Tweet through it. It will definitely make everything better. Look I’ll even type it out for you: Rent free. See. Now you don’t even have to type it. Just copy and paste. Tweet through it. It will definitely numb the pain. You’re doing great champ.

4) 2-1 Atlanta

deep breath*

BENDIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Josef breaks the MLS goal record. Josef breaks Joe Bendik’s will to exist. Josef breaks MLS.

3) 2-0 Atlanta

“THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT GAME IN ORLANDO CITY HISTORY”

2) 4-0 Atlanta

Ahem.

1) 1-0 Tito

he first. The original. The tone-setter. The eternal spring of content.

The steakhouse dinner by yourself of Father’s Days. The season tickets and a new set of clubs of Father’s Days. The Big Green Egg, Tiger wins The Masters, the loud neighbors are moving of Father’s Days.

Perfect. Simple. Everlasting. A purely and perfectly distilled middle-shelf whiskey bottle named “Them Five Stripes is hell.”